What do I like about myself?
I like that I don't give up. I won't give up on myself and I don't give up on others. Obviously this can be done to a fault, but I'm working on that. I know I have said in the past "I wish I didn't care about people so much and I could just write people off that hurt me," to which the person I was talking to who knows me so very well stated "You wouldn't be you then!" This is true. I want to learn how to keep this trait in a healthy form. I like that I am loyal. I like that I am emotional, sensitive and love deeply! I like that I am softhearted on the inside, but can be strong as shit as well. ;) I like my sometimes crass sense of humor and my desire to laugh often. I like my free and adventurous spirit. I like my analytical mind and desire to be careful with my words and actions until I am positive that is what I want to convey.
What do I like best/least about myself?
Best = my ability to be both soft and strong.
Least = my sometimes critical mind, both for myself and others.
How do I feel about my body?
I wouldn't say I am thrilled, but I am learning to love it more, and accept that it's a process. As I am now roughly -25 lbs lighter then my heaviest weight of 2012, and over 100 lbs lighter then my all time highest weight of my life, there are imperfections, things not as tight as those that have never struggled with their weight. As I was getting into the shower the other day, I thought "Who cares...it's a reminder that you've worked your ass off and at least those areas that aren't so tight anymore, aren't filled with fat. It's a daily reminder of the hard work that you've done!
How do I like to spend my leisure time?
I love doing nearly anything with those that I love. I'm sure no one's shocked that baseball is a number one fave for me. ;) But really sports in general make this girl happy. I also love concerts. But the things that I enjoy most in life are adventures. I LOVE trying new things! I love allowing myself to be childish and silly and laughing til my tummy hurts with those that I love. Being outdoors is my solace. Walks around the lake, hiking around a park, running, sitting at a park, riding my bike, sitting around a camp fire... those are the times I adore. Playing board games with my loves, watching silly documentaries, or action movies all sound like a wonderful time to me. I CRAVE undivided attention time with people who are really important to me. I could sit at Caribou with someone I love for HOURS, no TV, no phone, no distractions, just time to listen to each other, speak your mind, feel heard, and take time to really look at that person and appreciate their presence in your life. I have kidnapped mother and Jenni this past month and did this with them and oh how my heart soared. Jenni even asked me "What would you like to do?" My response "Just be with you." :)
What kinds of people do you prefer to be around?
POSITIVE people. Funny people. Graceful, non-judging people. Someone who wants to be open with me, and share their heart, but also asks me about mine, and genuinely listens, draws out more and shows interest. Affectionate people. Honest people, someone who will tell me their thoughts and feelings (in a constructive way), even if it will hurt. Someone who will walk through struggles with me and be ok with my need for reminders of safety until I can affirm myself.
I am done living myself life based on what others want me to do, or what I think I SHOULD do. Doing what I think I should do next has gotten me to a place of feeling like I did every step simply because that's what you do, not always because that's what Brooke wanted to do or what I thought would make me genuinely happy.
I will be responsible for myself. The price that I have paid for not always shouldering my own burdens is that over time I have lost the strength to do so. When you're not willing to trust yourself, other people will determine the direction of your life. I will follow my passion, listen to my heart, and trust myself, even if it means giving up what is secure and familiar (this will take a lot of work). It's time to be true to myself, even if it means losing the approval of others. I am willing to give up what I think that I should feel, in exchange for being who I really am.
Self-discovery means realizing who you are not just as much as it does realizing who you are:
Write down all the negative messages you have received about yourself:
- I am annoying
- I am a bitch
- I am defensive
Of the messages on the list that you believe are still true today, which are really negative?
In my opinion it's just being defensive and bitchy. Annoying... yeah, I can be. Oh well, there's worse things in life then to be annoying. I definitely can be a bitch as protection. If you know the real me, you know it's just a front and a result of my insecurities. It's also part of my honest personality at times as well as I think that lifes too short to be less then honest with each other. I'm blunt at times and people may see that as bitchy. The insecure bitchiness, yes I should change...honest, blunt Brooke... it's me and I don't mind it. Defensive...yeah...that's gotta change. Only in a safe environment will this heal though. Why drop my defenses if they're needed? In time, I will find that healing.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt my biggest priority is raising my self-esteem and stop being so critical of myself. From being criticized, I have developed a lifelong pattern of being self-critical, which in turn has constantly reinforced my low self-esteem. I have taken the voice of others, and made it my own. It's funny that I am so forgiving of others and understanding of others faults and willing to love them despite of them, but can't do that for myself.
I need to stop taking everything so personally. Because of criticism, I am so hypersensitive to the judgement of others. I assume that even small comments mean that there is something massively wrong with me and I am comepletely worthless, which leads in to my need to defend myself against said nonexistant attacks. I am so convinced that I am so flawed that I assume others see me that way too.
I am done allowing others define me. Not only do I allow negative responses ruin my day, I allow positive responses to make my day. This gives other people way too much control over how I feel about me, and makes me vulnerable to flattery and manipulation.
"Write your inner child a love letter. Tell her that you love her and why, listing all the wonderful characteristics she has that make her so lovable to you." Eeeek... that one will take time and is for another day. I struggle with thinking that one is silly, but know that it is probably good for me.
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