Don't Get on My Nerves!

So, I have very few flaws, obviously!  JOKES, JOKES!!  I have HUNDREDS.  However, one that actually bothers me a lot about myself is that I am quite easily bothered by a lot of really stupid crap!  I let things go extremely quick and am often more irritated with myself for being irritated with others, yet none the less... I still struggle with not wanting to choke someone out on a regular basis for doing things that I find incredibly annoying. 

So what are these ridiculous things that annoy the living crap out me you ask?  You ready for this list of ridiculousness? 

• Loud chewing in a quite room or when I am trying to do something, i.e. type.  Although chewing with your mouth open is probably at the very top of my list, even chewing with your mouth closed if it's loud, could possibly send me into a homicidal rage.  Dumb!  I understand that you cannot change that an apple is really loud when you eat it, however that doesn't change my irrational rage when you're sitting next to me chopping away while I am trying to work. 
• This one's really dumb... people asking me what I am doing.  DRIVES ME NUTS!  I am 29 years old and think that I have a pretty good handle on my schedule and my ability to manage my life and time.  When people ask me what I am doing just for the sake of being nosy and no other purpose, I want to say "Don't worry about it... you take of you and I'll worry about me."  I realize this is dumb because usually the person means no malice by asking, just trying to be nice even.  However, what I hear is "I'm nosy, nosy, nosy and have nothing better to do then worry about what you're doing."  I also hate it when people ask me if I am going to take care of something... how long have you know me?  Have I ever let something important slip through the cracks for you?  Have I not always pulled all strings possible to make things work out for the good of damn near everyone involved?  Trust that I will continue to do so unless I give you indication otherwise.  Wow...I'm a bitch!
• People touching my stuff without asking, unless you're someone who I am close with and then my stuff is your stuff.  Otherwise, this is a good way to get your hand chopped off.  I have things set up in my life the way they work well for me, if it is my stuff, I see nothing wrong with that.  I know when things should run out based on how much/often I use them and if I have to replace things sooner then I should based on my own use, I find that rude.  Why should I have to pay for you to use my crap?  I find that fairly presumptuous of you to assume that you are so awesome that you can just use my stuff without asking or offering to replace what you have used. 
• People not just saying what they are thinking/feeling.  I am a busy person and don't have time to decipher the real coded meaning of your message.  If you have something to communicate to me, please do it in a direct fashion, passive aggressiveness or you trying to get me to identify that you have feelings that you are not sharing with me and pull them out of you, DRIVES ME B-A-N-A-N-A-S!  ::Please read previous statement to the tune of hit Gwen Stefanni song, 'cause that's what I did when I wrote it:: ;-)  I know passive aggressiveness like a damn hawk, before I became more confident in who I am and started to care more about the value/genuineness of a relationship vs being liked, it used to be my damn near only tool in my communication tool box, so you can't fool a skilled tradesmen at her own game.  I think that if we value our relationship enough to have communication, let's not waste each other's time and be cryptic about it.  Even if  it's going to hurt, let's be real.  We'll come out a head in the end.  However, if you still feel the desire to make me play a guessing game as to your true feelings and want to play the passive aggressive... I'm likely just not going to engage, just an FYI.  I have not enough energy to try to pull that crap out of you.  As an side, girls, GUYS hate this... the very worst thing that you could ever say when someone asks you "What's wrong?" is to say "Nothing."  They're not stupid, well... yes they are.  ;-)  However, they know, you know, don't play games, get to talking.  If for no other reason then to make a better name for us girls...
• People being so hell bent on protecting their "rights," being treated "right," and things being "fair."  Put your big girl panties on and get over yourself.  Some things I say are going to offend you, you aren't always going to get your way and life's tough and it aint fair.  The fair thing is what bothers me most, when people are concerned about everyone getting the same amount of something, or having to give/sacrifice the same as everyone else.  It aint going to be fair and just because it isn't, doesn't give some kind of hidden meaning to those that may get more/less then you.  Let's all just stop being a one man protector of our rights and what we "should" have or not have to do, and start thinking of others and being a little self sacrificing.  It feels really good to put other's needs, wants and desires a head of your own sometimes.  Try it. 
• People commenting on what I am eating.  It blows me away that some people have so little tact, that they think that they need to make any comments on what I am eating.  Yes, I eat 1-2 frozen dinners a day, yup I am aware that they contain a lot of sodium.  Yup, I do enjoy diet soda, totally aware that it's going to give me cancer, what doesn't?  Yup, I do try to be really really careful in my food choices, and yes sometimes I am going to decline to have bread because it has butter on it and other times I am going to eat half a pizza and enjoy every bite.  I get that doesn't make a lot of sense to you, but it's my body, it's my food choices and I guess I don't see why you should concern yourself with it.  I'll take care of what I am eating and you, you can worry about so many other things if you're not concerning yourself with my food choices.  I have lost 130+ lbs, almost entirely on my own, with the support and love of my friends and family.  Trust that even when I am struggling, I can take care of it.  Even if I can't and I do need support/encouragement, "You're eating ________?!"  Isn't exactly the encouragement I was looking for. 

I could probably go on and on with this list, but I don't need to put too much of my craziness out there for the world to see in one day!  Like I said, I am not by any means proud that I give so much power to this crap.  I actually pray that I could have more patience and acceptance so that I wouldn't secretly violently shake inside every time someone eats chips in my vicinity.  :-P 

Look Mom, You Get Your Own Entry!

So, mainly because it will not allow me respond to my mom's loving comments regarding my choice to donate my eggs, she gets a whole entry devoted explicitly to her! 

My momma's concerns:

Alright Little lady, To stay with both your blogs and the Mom you have been able to, for the most part, been able to count on, I must look at this from the other side and be the true friend you mentioned in your later blog. You are an awesome daughter that is both selfless and selfish. Waiting to have children is not selfish it is just plain smart, I have watched you enjoy all areas of your life, and I pray that you continue to walk this walk with the Lord. You have been open to all of His guidance and followed even when you are scared to death. You have made it so easy to be proud of you, and not just a mom to be proud of but many others around you.

Now to the point, my fear is this; is who is watching the eggs? How do we make sure your eggs do not cross with your other eggs, or the eggs(sperm included) of your siblings? Not that it should matter, but those eggs are my grandchildren. The reason I say it should not matter is 1)they are your eggs 2)I support what you are doing, because you are right these couples do deserve to enjoy all there is to being a parent 3)it is still in God's hands 4)It makes you happy. I do realize that there will not be dozens of these little Brooke eggs running around the world, but the chance is still there. To your comment that it is only 50% you...that is all we get in all conceptions. When I take this one step(maybe 100) further and the child would like to meet the biological family is there answers to that? It may be cellular to you, maybe not to the egg. Just some thoughts since you brought me up, bottom line I support all you do. I know you have looked at it from all angles and most importantly you have talked with God about it and He has blessed it. I love you and all you bring to the table.

You are the joy of my life!

I am so very proud of how you support me and the loved ones around you! Love you!

In Christ,
Mom

My response:

Oh Momma, you're such a good momma and I highly appreciate and take to heart your concerns. 

To answer some of your questions, this is a HIGHLY regulated process.  I have had to have DNA screening, blood testing, saliva testing, medical profiles, psych exams and everything else under the sun, continuously since November.  The eggs that I give are kept track of by number which is associated with me, but never publicised.  There are national and international registries to make sure that my eggs are not "crossing."  Also, another reason why I am totally open and honest about what I am doing, so if my siblings so choose, they know that is something that I have done.  I have been doing some research on consanguineous reproduction (the technical term for what you are referring to) and it is extremely unlikely.  The rates go down the more open and honest everyone is with the process.  But I will ask my nurse about this more explicitly when I have my next appointment (to learn about my shots, eeek), now that you bring this up. 

Which brings me to another one of your questions.  What if one of my eggs would someday want to contact me?  At this time in the state of MN they would need a court order and a very convincing reason why they needed to know.  However, if I CHOSE to, I could register my number with an international donor registry and could provide information about me, my medical and familial history and any other information for any potential eggs that hatch later in life.  ;-)  That is completely 100% my choice.  I completely understand that my hatched eggs could contact me someday and am totally ok with this.  I don't see it as anything but a total miracle and gift that I would proudly be able to say yes, you were once a cellular part of me, but I gave that gift to someone who needed and wanted it more then me at the time.  When my own kids are old enough to understand, it is definitely something that I would never hide. 

I get that the eggs are 50% of my DNA and yes my own children will also someday be 50% of me as well.  What I don't agree with is that they will be my "kids" or your "grandkids."  When they leave my body, they are unfertilized eggs and if I so choose, I may never even know if they ever become more then that.  As a side note, I actually am interested in finding out if they result in a pregnancy or not.  But I digress...this is going to sound like I am trying to be a smart ass or don't get the magnitude of what I am doing, but I assure you that is not the case (well kind of, I am always a little on the smart ass side).  However, I do not see them as my kids any more then I see each egg I menstruate each month my children.  Same thing.  I mourn none of the 145 eggs that I have wasted throughout my life by getting a period each month, just like I will not feel as though I am giving up my own children during this process.  However, if you'd like to mourn the loss of your grandkids each time I get my period, Bob said there will now be a monthly vigil.  JOKES...JOKES!

The number of times that you can donate is limited to 6 for one of your concerns that the system would not be abused and 1,000's of my kids would be wandering the streets (is that really half bad, think of how AMAZING this world would be) ;-)  No, but for real, I can only donate 6 times in my life by the time I am 32.  I am  THINKING that I will donate 2-3 times this year, max.  MAYBE 3-4 more times after I have kids, we'll see.  Each time you you donate, they take 10-15 eggs (that would have been released and disposed of by your body during that cycle anyway).  However, out of those 10-15 eggs that you donate, it usually results in only 1-2 pregnancies.  So realistically, at max it would result in 6-12 pregnancies throughout my entire life IF I donated 6 times. 

However, like you mentioned, the biggest thing that gives me peace and assurance that this is the right thing is the counsel I have sought in the Lord.  The center is actually run by a great deal of Christian women, including my nurse.  I have prayed about it at length and just like the sermon last Sunday said, I know that I cannot open doors that God closes and cannot close doors that God opens.  So far he has opened every door that I knocked on and I will continue to walk in faith in Him as long as the doors are open.  If for some reason, doors start to close, or I don't feel 100% at peace with what I am doing, I can assure you that I will listen. 

I love you for so many reasons, but even more for caring about me enough to raise concerns and trusting that I will hear you with understanding and love!

PS - Thank you for recognizing that I have followed Him even when my flesh was telling me "NO NO NO!" and I was scared to death.  His ways are always better then mine, even when mine are good.  His are better.

If anyone else has any other concerns/questions, I am open to a RESPECTFUL discussion.  I am however, not interested in this becoming a political or religious rhetorical conversation.

Wasting My Fertility?

**WARNING, THIS POST JUMPS ALL OVER THE PLACE...and also mentions my vagina**

When my husband and I got married in 2004, we said that we were going to start trying to have kids in 3-4 years.  2008 came and went and we were childless and really had no desire to have any at that time, so we said we'd keep waiting.  I have always heard from everyone that things aren't about you any more when you have kids and your own wants and desires get put to the side.  I am a very selfish person to begin with, with a lot of goals and desires to do different things in my life, so naturally, knowing that information, it has made me shy away from having kids too soon.  We had roughly talked about starting to try to have kids during the summer of 2010, but different opportunities came up that didn't work with having mini-me's, so naturally as I always have in the past, I decided that the kid thing could wait.  A major one being that I wanted to run a marathon in December 2010 and doing that 6-7 months pregnant just doesn't sound like a great idea.  Yeah, I may be a horrible person for putting marathon running before starting a family, but I figured why not get as many things that I want to do for me done before having kids?  I don't want to be one of those people that resents their kids for making them give up their child free years too early. 

So back up in time to 2003... I had seen an add for egg donation and had called because at the time I was a poor college student and it seemed like a harmless way to make some extra cash.  Well, I talked to the lady and she said that I didn't qualify because my BMI was too high.  Plan diverted, idea lost, never thought of it again for quite some time. 

Now we're back to 2010... when I am thinking that it's going to be another 1-2 years before I have kids.  I have a couple friends that are DESPERATELY trying to have kids to no avail.  One day, in the caverns of my thoughts, I was thinking "How sad that there are women who are ready and very much so desire to have kids and here I am... sitting on thousands of fertile eggs of my own because I am too selfish to give up my current lifestyle."  Insert:  LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!  I asked myself "Are you wasting your fertility?  Is there a way that you could be helping someone achieve their GREATEST desire in life?"  For most that know me, the BMI problem is no longer an issue.  I am not a poor college student and the money isn't really an incentive anymore.  The incentive is watching the heartache my dear friend Katie experiences each month when she gets her period and finds out that she is at least 1 more month away from having a child and knowing that I could be the difference between a woman achieving that dream. 

So, I contact The Center for Reproductive Medicine, conveniently located 1 block from my work and see what the process is to become an egg donor.  That was sometime around November 2010ish... I have jumped through a lot of hoops, filled out extensive medical and psychological history and have taken the MMPI.  Tomorrow, I finish the last step before I am either given the official "we want your eggs," or the "no thank you."  Tomorrow I have a 1 hour meeting with a psychologist to go over my MMPI and then will be giving what I hear is an LARGE amount of blood for genetic testing.  If everything is a go, then my profile will be given to potential parents and I wait until one of them chooses me! :)  I was told that they recently had a lot of brown hair/brown eyed donors retire, so my kind is of high demand.  For once. ;-)  The nurse also told me that my height will also be a huge selling point.  Apparently people want tall babies. 

The process of egg donation is not easy.  Once chosen, I will have to go on birth control and my cycle will have to be matched with the recipients cycle.  Once synced up (3-5 weeks), then I will go on some 20ish days of 1-2 times daily injections of hormones to get my eggs ready for extraction.  Once I am ready **STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON'T CARE TO HEAR ABOUT MY VAGINA** they will then give me VERY short acting anesthesia, and a large needle will be inserted into my vagina to extract 10-15 eggs.  **END VAGINA TALK**  Once the eggs are extracted, they will be fertilized and placed into my recipient! :)  You have to go into the clinic for labs, blood draws, ultra sounds, on a 1-3 times weekly basis while you are going through the process as well, which is probably what makes egg donation really hard for most women.  Luckily for me, my work schedule is somewhat flexible and it's 1 block away. 

The center that I am going through is completely anonymous and I will never know who gets my eggs and they will never know me, nor will they ever see a picture of me.  I know some people have a lot of concerns/objections to me doing this, but I ASSURE you that I have done my research!  This does not in any way decrease my ability to have my own kids.  Actually, if nothing else, through the genetic testing, I will find out of any concerns there could be with my own fertility.  There is very little risk and the particular clinic that I am going to has never had any major issues.  They had one donor who got pregnant with 5 babies, but that was because she did not follow the strict abstinence clause while on the fertility drugs.  For her it was really bad because she was already a single mother, unable to care for her now 5 newborns.  I have spoken with people that have done this and read extensive literature.  Of particular value and what sold me on everything was a girl who I went to high school with who is doing it for the second time.  She kept a journal of her entire experience and after reading all 32 pages... I was sold.  I was actually EXCITED!  This is something incredibly beautiful that I am not using, a miracle gift that I could give to another woman who so desperately wants it.  Thinking of that, makes me tear up. 

I know my mom's biggest concern when I had mentioned it to her back in 2003 was "You will have a whole bunch of your kids out there!"  Love you mom, but I disagree.  I feel as though I am donating DNA, not babies.  Yes, someday a kid will hopefully come of it and yes, it will be half my DNA, but will have matured and become a life inside another woman.  She and her husband will have made the decision to go through with this and will go through all the normal "baby growing inside me" lovey dovey crap together... I will have in no way contributed to that in any other way then at a cellular level.  That's something that I am ok with.

So yeah... that's that.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be told that I have some awesome, fertile, ready to get sucked out of my body eggs! ;-)  I am excited to be able to help someone else achieve the miracle of life, while I continue to be selfish and decide that I still need more time in this wonderful child free life that I live.  :)  No more wasting my fertility for this girl!

Belles What?

Why Brooke's Belles Lettres I am sure you're asking.  My guess is the only person I know who will get it is my BFF, Jen.  She's good with French words.  My husband was already like "WTF?"  Well, if you continue to follow my posts, you'll find out that I have some serious OCD.  I like symmetry and alliteration, to the point that odd numbers make me anxious, yeah, I am a freak.  I needed a word that started with B, you know to follow my first name, but I didn't want it to be boring or over used, ect.  I am not French, so it has nothing to do with that.  Simply put, it's a fun B word that has the meaning of exactly what I was looking for.  So what the heck does it mean?

belles-let·tres  (bl-ltr)

pl.n. (used with a sing. verb)

1. Literature regarded for its aesthetic value rather than its didactic or informative content.

2. Light, stylish writings, usually on literary or intellectual subjects.

Belles-lettres or belles lettres is a term that is used to describe a category of writing. A writer of belles-lettres is a belletrist. However, the boundaries of that category vary in different usages.
Literally, belles-lettres is a French phrase meaning "beautiful" or "fine" writing. In this sense, therefore, it includes all literary works — especially fiction, poetry, drama, or essays — valued for their aesthetic qualities and originality of style and tone (usually with regard to the language used, but sometimes even in terms of the visual typography employed), rather than for written as a means to informative, moral or some other end. The term thus can be used to refer to literature generally.

"So does that mean that you think that you have 'beautiful' writing Brooke?"  Are you kidding me?  NO!  I am not a writer, I am not artistic, and I definitely do not fall into the "fine" category.  Again... it was just a pretty sounding B word, it works with my craziness.  That is all. 

Hello! :)

Off and on throughout my life I have had online journals/blogs/posted on Facebook notes...whatever you want to call it.  I have had blogs to keep track of my weight loss... and other various aspects of my life.  However, I have never just had a general blog, where I can put down my 100's of random thoughts, ideas, musings, opinions, ect.  I have felt like I wanted to do this for quite some time, more for me then anyone who is reading it and now that my life is about to dramatically slow down... I thought what better time? 

What will this blog be about?  Nothing specific... more just a place for me to get out all the stuff I think about it.  Do I think my thoughts are so damn important that they deserve to be published?  Hell no!  However, I have a tendency to think about 300 things at once and if I don't make some kind of sense of them and get them out in a semi-formal way... they tend to be just passing thoughts.  Sometimes good ideas for my life, that I fully intended on following up on, but let go because there's only so much room in my head.  Like I said, this is for me and it just so happens that it being public helps with a semblance of accountability for me.   

So here it is... my very anti-climactic first blog post.  Follow me, comment, don't, whatever.