Things I'm Grateful for, Positive About or Proud of

Been a bit for an official proclamation of thanksgiving, so here goes:

1. My parents. All four of them. Regardless of everything, they're ALWAYS there for me.
2. Getting everything packed up for my move Friday.
3. Learning to enjoy time alone happily.
4. Getting back on track with working out and tracking my nutrition after a short holiday derailment and not beating myself up for it.
5. Grace.
6. Old friends. Spent time with friends that I haven't seen in a while this past weekend and looking forward to doing the same next weekend.
7. A plethora of positive direction in my life.
8. LOTS of double time at work tonight, tomorrow and tomorrow night. :)
9. My lack of attachment to stuff. Packing today made me very proud of being truly happy with a very small amount of possessions. Lots of clothes, a space heater and a great deal of shoes. Who needs more then that? :P
10. My ability to slow down and not fill my time with mind numbing activities, but rather seek time reflecting in thought and prayer.

Rescued Heart

It's been a week since I last had overwhelming feelings of sadness. There's been high points and times of sadness, but nothing where it felt like my spirit was breaking. Nothing that this tough bia couldn't handle. ;) So today while I was driving, listening to some T Swift (an instant smile producer in my book), and tears started rolling down my cheeks, I instantly thought "Huh?"

Until I realized...these were different tears. Tears of hope and gratitude. Tears of realization that God is nothing short of completely amazing and confidence that He will use ALL things for good and seeing that play out in my life. It's incredible that it really is through our hardest times, that the best is to come as long as we rely on Him and be willing to do the HARD work it takes, being honest with ourselves about what's truly good for us, even if it hurts like hell. There's no shame or guilt in Him when we're honest with Him about our shortcomings and ask Him to change our hearts.

This is somewhat what the sermon was about Sunday at church. How our sin, which Tim defined as a self focused tendency to act, think and behave in ways apart from God, will not result in a rich life. And a rich life is NOT ABOUT US. It's not about stuff and things either. It's truly only acquired when we get outside ourselves. I'm far from that, but I can DEFINITELY feel that changing. I am ready for the word of God to change my heart and make me nothing but a blessing in the lives of others.

Some interesting things about our self focused tendencies...when you engage in that behavior...it's not just harmful to those around you...that behavior is first and foremost offensive to God. Puts things into perspective. You're hurting not only those you're in relationship with, yourself, but also God. Makes my desire to be who He created me to be more of an importance. I'm no longer willing to allow self focused tendencies to kill the love of those around me. The result of destroying everything that is important to me is too much for me to bear. The good news is that in relationship with Him, we're free from guilt and shame. He says "I am for you! I do not judge you. I don't wanna watch you break anymore, so please stop, but I love you. Deeply." I am ready to live by His power, not my efforts.

As I mentioned earlier...I can feel my heart changing and regaining pieces of me that I allowed to be covered up because I put others needs before my own. One of those things is something that makes up the very foundation of who Brooke is...healthy, loving, support of those in crisis. I felt God saying Sunday..."I gave you the desire to help those in crisis Brooke, that's who I created you to be. It is not bad when you use it in the right context." What's that supposed to mean? I know exactly what that means. I've been here before, I remember sitting in church right after Hurricane Katrina and God said to me, "You will go." I thought "Oh? I will?" Six trips later, and a gutting of my heart more then anything accomplished, He was right. Sunday He again said "You will go." Where am I going? New York...Hurricane Sandy relief. I learned last time that if God says you will go, it's best to just get on board and not hesitate cause it will happen. He's not so much one to let that stuff go. Therefore I'm gonna trust, go without reservation and eagerly anticipate what He'll have in store for me. It's never been anything other then breath taking. Hard as hell and taking insane amounts of trust and courage, yes. Worth every scary step.

As a woman I GREATLY admire recently said, I want God to "Spend me like change in His pocket." Seeing what her life is like makes me insanely scared to say that, but if it creates the beauty in me that I see in her, God I'm ready. I'm done running this show. It gets me nowhere. I am yours.

Relationship Rights

From now on, these are the things I will hold as important in my relationships and the way I will strive to treat others:

The right to good will from the other.

The right to emotional support.

The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.

The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.

The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

The right to receive a sincere apology.

The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.

The right to live free from accusation and blame.

The right to live free from criticism and judgment.

The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.

The right to encouragement.

The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.

The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.

The right to be called by no name that devalues you.

The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

There's always room for more...what ones would you add?

The right to make mistakes?

The right to state your needs and have them reasonably fulfilled?

Continuing to Change

Why is it that I seem to need to learn the same lesson multiple times? I understand learning the hard way is often best, but it seems as though I need to learn multiple times before I really believe that's the way it is. I just like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and it likes to bite me in the ass.

As I've practiced more assertive communication lately, with identification of my true feelings and requests for my needs to be met, and accepting love from others, I've noticed it can hurt. Genuine love, free of expectations, criticism, and games can be overwhelming. For me...it's a harsh reality of the times I felt less then loved or cared for.

Today I feel hopeful. I feel unsure of my future and completely at peace with that. I know that God has a plan for me and it is good, good, good. The sermon at church was good today and Id like to write more about it, but that will have to wait for another post. I'm making some much needed changes in my life and feeling excited. As some doors close in my life, others are flying open and I am amazed at Gods unending love and grace for me.

Today...God said: "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on Her. Put a ring on her finger and sandals on her feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this daughter of mine was dead and is alive again; she was lost and is found," and we celebrated. <3

Time to Heal

I've been hiding from my self by getting lost and now it's time to take some time to put my life back into perspective, to heal from the past, and to do some deep inner reflection.  As scary as that is, I need to learn to rely on myself, to like my own company and break the tendency to be so dependent on others.  Truth is, I'm nobody until I love me.  I have lost myself in my attempts to please others because I was trying to be what I thought that they wanted.  It's time to get back Brooke.  Each time I've denied my own feelings, I've denied myself.  In order to do this, I need to define myself. 

What do I like about myself? 
I like that I don't give up.  I won't give up on myself and I don't give up on others.  Obviously this can be done to a fault, but I'm working on that.  I know I have said in the past "I wish I didn't care about people so much and I could just write people off that hurt me," to which the person I was talking to who knows me so very well stated "You wouldn't be you then!"  This is true.  I want to learn how to keep this trait in a healthy form.  I like that I am loyal.  I like that I am emotional, sensitive and love deeply!  I like that I am softhearted on the inside, but can be strong as shit as well.  ;)  I like my sometimes crass sense of humor and my desire to laugh often.  I like my free and adventurous spirit.  I like my analytical mind and desire to be careful with my words and actions until I am positive that is what I want to convey. 

What do I like best/least about myself?
Best = my ability to be both soft and strong. 
Least = my sometimes critical mind, both for myself and others. 

How do I feel about my body?
I wouldn't say I am thrilled, but I am learning to love it more, and accept that it's a process.  As I am now roughly -25 lbs lighter then my heaviest weight of 2012, and over 100 lbs lighter then my all time highest weight of my life, there are imperfections, things not as tight as those that have never struggled with their weight.  As I was getting into the shower the other day, I thought "Who cares...it's a reminder that you've worked your ass off and at least those areas that aren't so tight anymore, aren't filled with fat.  It's a daily reminder of the hard work that you've done! 

How do I like to spend my leisure time?
I love doing nearly anything with those that I love.  I'm sure no one's shocked that baseball is a number one fave for me.  ;)  But really sports in general make this girl happy.  I also love concerts.  But the things that I enjoy most in life are adventures.  I LOVE trying new things!  I love allowing myself to be childish and silly and laughing til my tummy hurts with those that I love.  Being outdoors is my solace.  Walks around the lake, hiking around a park, running, sitting at a park, riding my bike, sitting around a camp fire... those are the times I adore.  Playing board games with my loves, watching silly documentaries, or action movies all sound like a wonderful time to me.  I CRAVE undivided attention time with people who are really important to me.  I could sit at Caribou with someone I love for HOURS, no TV, no phone, no distractions, just time to listen to each other, speak your mind, feel heard, and take time to really look at that person and appreciate their presence in your life.  I have kidnapped mother and Jenni this past month and did this with them and oh how my heart soared.  Jenni even asked me "What would you like to do?"  My response "Just be with you."  :)

What kinds of people do you prefer to be around?
POSITIVE people.  Funny people.  Graceful, non-judging people.  Someone who wants to be open with me, and share their heart, but also asks me about mine, and genuinely listens, draws out more and shows interest.  Affectionate people.  Honest people, someone who will tell me their thoughts and feelings (in a constructive way), even if it will hurt.  Someone who will walk through struggles with me and be ok with my need for reminders of safety until I can affirm myself. 

I am done living myself life based on what others want me to do, or what I think I SHOULD do.  Doing what I think I should do next has gotten me to a place of feeling like I did every step simply because that's what you do, not always because that's what Brooke wanted to do or what I thought would make me genuinely happy. 

I will be responsible for myself.  The price that I have paid for not always shouldering my own burdens is that over time I have lost the strength to do so.  When you're not willing to trust yourself, other people will determine the direction of your life.  I will follow my passion, listen to my heart, and trust myself, even if it means giving up what is secure and familiar (this will take a lot of work).  It's time to be true to myself, even if it means losing the approval of others.  I am willing to give up what I think that I should feel, in exchange for being who I really am. 

Self-discovery means realizing who you are not just as much as it does realizing who you are: 

Write down all the negative messages you have received about yourself:
-  I am fat
-  I think I know everything
-  I am dramatic
-  I am disposable
-  I am replaceable
-  I am crazy
-  I don't understand the "real world"
-  I'm not good at my job
-  I am a bad influence
-  I am responsible for the choices others have made to hurt me, because of my behavior
-  I am annoying
-  I am conceited
-  I am a bitch
-  I think I am perfect
-  I am defensive

Of the messages on the list that you believe are still true today, which are really negative? 
In my opinion it's just being defensive and bitchy.  Annoying... yeah, I can be.  Oh well, there's worse things in life then to be annoying.  I definitely can be a bitch as protection.  If you know the real me, you know it's just a front and a result of my insecurities.  It's also part of my honest personality at times as well as I think that lifes too short to be less then honest with each other.  I'm blunt at times and people may see that as bitchy.  The insecure bitchiness, yes I should change...honest, blunt Brooke... it's me and I don't mind it.  Defensive...yeah...that's gotta change.  Only in a safe environment will this heal though.  Why drop my defenses if they're needed?  In time, I will find that healing. 

Beyond a shadow of a doubt my biggest priority is raising my self-esteem and stop being so critical of myself.  From being criticized, I have developed a lifelong pattern of being self-critical, which in turn has constantly reinforced my low self-esteem.  I have taken the voice of others, and made it my own.  It's funny that I am so forgiving of others and understanding of others faults and willing to love them despite of them, but can't do that for myself. 

I need to stop taking everything so personally.  Because of criticism, I am so hypersensitive to the judgement of others.  I assume that even small comments mean that there is something massively wrong with me and I am comepletely worthless, which leads in to my need to defend myself against said nonexistant attacks.  I am so convinced that I am so flawed that I assume others see me that way too. 

I am done allowing others define me.  Not only do I allow negative responses ruin my day, I allow positive responses to make my day.  This gives other people way too much control over how I feel about me, and makes me vulnerable to flattery and manipulation. 

"Write your inner child a love letter.  Tell her that you love her and why, listing all the wonderful characteristics she has that make her so lovable to you."  Eeeek... that one will take time and is for another day.  I struggle with thinking that one is silly, but know that it is probably good for me.

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain

Take Care of Your Rock! The Rest is Just Sand.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.  The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

So What Next?

I'm standing up for myself. No longer can anyone take away my reality, by me letting you make me doubt my perceptions, nor will I believe lies that you don't even believe about me yourself.

I'm taking care of myself. I will stop putting the needs of others so far ahead of my own. This may make me sound selfish, but it will actually make me more genuinely caring and giving.

I'm done rescuing people of their responsibilities. I'm setting myself up and it's not an act of love. I will no longer settle for being needed when loved is what I want. I will no longer rob others of their own opportunities for growth. I'm done moving my boundaries. 
I will learn to say no. It's ok for me not to want to do something, simply because I don't want to.  I may at times choose to do so anyways out of genuine love, but there will also be times I simply will say no. 

I will start to recognize my anger. Even though I'm not aware of my anger, I have no doubt those around me do. Once recognized, I can start to express it directly vs indirectly as I have in the past. Most anger is trigger by unmet needs. I will figure out my needs and ask for them to be met. If someone cannot do that, I'll need to figure out how to take care of myself.

I will differentiate between the past and the present and no longer allow my buttons to be pushed. There's one liners that crush my soul and will not be tolerated in my life. "You're a liar, crazy, don't know what you're taking about, stupid, unreliable, untrustworthy, fat or stupid," are off limits in my relationships.

I will learn how to handle disrespect. I am already hard enough on myself. I do not need anyone else telling me what is so wrong with me, and damaging my already low self-esteem. If someone has something they want to tell me, it can be done without insults.

Understanding Myself

I feel hurt, angry, fearful, confused and stupid. I'm extremely sensitive to what others think of me, and hypersensitive to even constructive criticism, critical of myself and critical of others. However recognizing these things has become liberating! I'm learning to trust my judgement, and raising my self-esteem. I need to work through my fears of betrayal, abandonment and suffocation.

I'm so used to repressing my feelings and emotions or minimizing my pain, that it bursts out when I least expect it. It's my survival mode during times of chaos. I know that working through this will undoubtedly help me let go, forgive myself and others and give me the courage to change. :)

Understanding my Destructive Patterns

Depression, confusion, difficulty concentrating, low self-esteem, feelings of failure, worthlessness, hopelessness, self-blame and self-destructiveness. That's how I got on this path to a better me. But how did I get there? Domination, verbal assaults, unpredictable responses, criticism, character assassination, and chaos. That's how. As hard as I tried, I couldn't help but take in the words. Because of this...

I am a self-less woman at times, with an extraordinary sensitivity to real or even imagined rejection. I can be clingy and possessive or rejecting depending on the wind. I both crave and fear intimacy, scared of being abandoned and smothered. No matter what others do, I'm a never ending well of forgiveness. If I make a mistake, I'm all bad. I try to anticipate what others want, and struggle with change.

I am a pleaser. I want everyone to be happy at any price. Ill show you I'm worth having around is my motto. I struggle with feeling valued, appreciated or loved, because of course...I count only when I'm making you happy and doing everything perfectly. In order to keep the peace, I'll even apologize for perfectly appropriate behavior.

I'm dependent. I want to anticipate your needs, and I'm not sure why you can't do the same for me. Ill do things for you that you're fully capable of doing yourself and feel angry, unappreciated and used again when you don't do the same. I'm clearly not worthy of your friendship or love just because of who I am, so I shall again, prove I'm good enough. I'm never angry and I'm afraid of yours. If I stay busy enough, reality of my feelings will stay at bay, and we can pretend things aren't as bad as they seem. I feel safest giving to others and a little insecure if you're gonna give to me. I'm constantly afraid you'll decide to leave cause you've seen the real me.

Thing is...I can't change others...I can only change me, and I think that's exactly what I shall do, because this...it's not working.

Don't Doubt Your Effect on Someone Else

After some recent criticism of my blog and it's lack of comments, I was starting to doubt my choice to be candid about my struggles, transparent with my faults and my fight for a better Brooke to be so open.  I started to wonder if a few people's opinion of me was a reflection of the masses, as I often do.  Then... I got these: 

"Brooke, I love your blog so much...thanks for sharing all this stuff...you really make me want to be a better person! You are so motivating, inspiring, and funny! I just find you so fascinating...in a totally non-creepy way." 

"I honestly find this SO therapeutic!! I find it amazingly brave that you put yourself out there like that. It's like a living breathing journal that you are willing to share with others and I think that is awesome. I enjoy reading it so much...it honestly makes me feel good!! I find it so honest and refreshing that you can openly admit that sometimes you have struggles and talk them out and I really believe that you help others by doing that!!"

I have had more then one comment that it's difficult for you guys to comment for some reason, which is why I usually get comments on FB rather then here.  Who knows... the funny thing is my technologically stunted mother has somehow figured it out.  :P 

NBD (That's "no big deal," I know that one confuses you at times mother) ;) though...comments are not why I do this.  I do this 100% for me to process through my own stuff, and share it because I know it has helped me in the past know that I am not alone in this silly thing called life, so if I can help someone else feel like "Well shit...look at here!  Brooke's a little wacky sometimes too...I am not alone," then that makes me happy.  :)  I have also gotten great feedback from others at times and good insight to see myself differently or look at situations through another's point of view.  I also believe that some of my relationships are changing for the better due to my openness in my writing.  Out of fear in the past I have been one big gigantic great wall of China when it comes to letting others in emotionally... however I don't struggle with my words when I'm writing for some reason, so it has helped some people see that I'm not a cold hearted bitch, and actually a really broken girl in need of softness.  I am getting that from places that I haven't always gotten it, and I think it has to do with a better understanding of where I am at. 

Moral of the story... don't doubt the effect your words may have on another.  Especially positive ones.  I have no doubt as I draw closer to God with my feelings and in prayer lately that he used these people to speak to me...saying "You are good baby girl, you are good."  Because of this, and because it has always been rather important to me... I am going to try harder to tell people when their actions have impacted me positively.  I think we all think nice things about the people around us 200 times a day, but say nothing because we don't want to seem like a creeper, or we think they know.  I can promise you this, THEY DO NOT KNOW.  Tell them...a simple word of encouragement or a "I really liked when you ______," can go miles in a doubtful heart. 

You Can't Force Me to Believe God Doesn't Love Me

Soooooooo love this. Spoke to me very much and brought tears to my eyes.

I know with certainty that God WILL use my life!  :)

Things I'm Grateful for, Positive About or Proud of

1. My mom and her never ending understanding of me, her loving and accepting approach, and willingness to walk through my mess with me without an ounce of judgement. She's always there for me with abounding softness that I need, even if its at 31yo, to lay my head on her lap and she rub my face as I fall asleep as she did last night.
2. A lifetime warranty on my silly tires that seem to desire to stay less then filled and the 1.5 hour wait I now have to get them fixed, which will provide me with quiet time to write and read.
3. The book that I am reading that continues to heal my mind and give me immense amounts of strength, focus and understanding of myself and others.
4. My job that allows me to take time for me to take care of myself physically and mentally.
5. My ability to evaluate who I am as a person and strive in every single way available to me to better myself.
6. My increasing recognition of my need to take care of myself so that I can be a healthy and positive addition to the lives of others.
7. Sushi dates with wonderful company to give me something to look forward to!!
8. God's favor on my life and constant patient presence, even when I'm distant, along with His relentless reminder of love for me. He's never surprised by my choices and always has a graceful solution if I chose to come home.
9. My connection with all types of music lyrically to speak to feelings I'm yet fully cognizant of or to inspire stillness in my spirit.
11. Honesty that allows me freedom from uncertainty and anxiety, even if its hard to hear, I'm fully capable of handling it and welcome the opportunity to grow.
10. There only being 96 days until MLB Opening Day!!! ;)

Tough Times Breed a Better Us

Somewhere in the last two years I allowed life's circumstances steal my joy and positivity. It was recently brought to my attention by someone who couldn't know me better, whom I greatly value their opinion of me, that I'm not the positive girl they once knew. They're right. I don't really know when it happened, but it wasn't one thing specifically. Just a series of events that aren't special to me by any means, that I wasn't equipped to handle and instead gave away my positive attitude and joy. Instead I let a spirit of fear set foot and allowed my behavior to be less then stellar. It's not who I am. I have WAY too much good in my life to be afraid or negative.

I have more then your average joe to be grateful and positive for and starting today I am going to be. I apologize to those I've hurt with my negativity and grateful for those that have put up with me unconditionally.

Things I'm positive about today:
1. My health. I am physically strong and capable of nearly anything I set my mind to. I have had opportunities to learn a great deal about taking care of my self and improve my health and look forward to continuing this journey.
2. My mind. I'm smart and appreciate my emotional intelligence and ability to relate to others.
3. My family. I have a huge family that I adore. My siblings are nothing short of amazing and I am beyond blessed to be the oldest of the 6 of us. They each have hilarious, unique personalities and make me smile constantly. I am proud of them more then I have words to describe.
4. I have parents that no matter what are there for me. I am thankful for the work ethic that my parents instilled in me and gave me a drive to become a successful adult.
5. I have an incredible amount of friends. More then I deserve or am worthy of. I have friends that I can sit quietly with and they understand me 300%. I have friends that encourage me and are constant streams of supportive words. I have friends that when we're together...we're non-stop laughter and fun, and I have a multitude of friends that I have no doubt would take a bullet for me.
6. I have two jobs that I am good at. Although at times I'm not thrilled about them, I have a job and I don't hate them. I am paid well and appreciated for the work that I do.
7. I have known love beyond what some people experience in a lifetime.
8. Baseball is just over 3 months away. :P

Off to enjoy an evening with my loved ones!! <3

Stillness

I am welcoming what seems to be some stillness, quietness and maybe a little peace in my heart the last couple days. I have no clue what my future holds, but more and more I am coming to peace with that and letting go of my need to know and control that. I really don't know what brought it on...if it was time away with Lindsey, a long conversation had with mom at 0600 in the morning (in the driveway cause thats where we work out life's toughest issues), a fantastic talk with Jen on my birthday, the amazing amount of people that took time to wish me a happy birthday and show they cared, or this second book I am starting...either way, it feels good.

For months now I've had to take each day as it comes and just get through that day. Today was no different, but the last few have come with less struggle, more confidence and hope and times of smiles and laughter. Today working out I felt a feeling of strength and focus that I haven't felt in ages. I made some difficult phone calls today and started facing things I have been putting off. I might just rock this life thing after all. ;)

This new book I am reading is incredible. I feel like someone wrote a story about my life while I wasn't looking. To know that my feelings aren't abnormal and pretty text book is a huge relief. Gives me answers to why I think, feel and behave the way that I do in certain situations, and it's not because I suck (which is what I was chalking it up to).

Certain things have slowly eaten away at my self-esteem so much, that I've had difficulty judging situations realistically, and have doubted my own perceptions. This has resulted in a lot of fear and anxiety, with the inability to not take in as truth, things that have been spoken over me. No matter my accomplishments, intelligence, or how attractive I have felt, I a lot of times still feel "less than," and realizing why that is, has given me an immense amount of freedom, but also empowerment to feel like I can do something about it.

I'm far from where I want to be, but I'm closer then I was yesterday and feel confident that tomorrow ill be even closer. With that I'm off to finish this bath (yes I'm naked right now) :P and crawl into bed for some reading. Goodnight loves. <3

Heeeey Gurl! ;)

Heeeey...who's this girl I found as of late? Reading a new book that's giving me some AMAZING perspective and has helped me see some things that I've been really blind to. Helping me see things more clearly and feeling WAY more confident about my feelings. Feeling strong physically and stronger mentally...feeling hopeful today.

I am officially at my lowest weight of 2012 and mother effer, I am proud of me! With that...I leave you with some awesome quotes that resonate with my soul as of late. :)

Smiles, hugs and love to you!! <3

What Kind of Love Would Hang On That Long?

Disney BFF's ;)

As most of you know...I've been in Disneyland since Thurs. my amazing friend Lindsey brought me here for my birthday (12/16). It's been completely incredible. I've had sooo much fun and felt such a renewing of my spirit. Have spent so much time laughing til my stomach hurt. I have TONS of pics which I've posted on Instagram, Facebook (mostly all the same as Instagram) and you can also check out our official Disney pics at disneyphotopass.com. My login is my email I believe: brooke.leclaire@hotmail.com and the password is: Lindsey. There's lots of options to buy our pics, so feel free to do that for me too. :P I'd really just like the full CD of all of them, and my address is on there to send them to. Thanks in advance. ;)

Anyways...off to Downtown Disney for more fun!!! Love to you all!! <3 :)

I Just Want Peace...

Last night might have been the worst sleep I've ever gotten.  :(  When I was sleeping, I was dreaming of people yelling at me non-stop and just crying and crying and crying.  Life is good. Oy vey. 

Stirring My Heart?

As I mentioned last evening, I feel strongly that God implanted so much more talent, skills, and drive into my heart then what I am currently living out.  Wondering what that was and just trusting that He would show me when I was ready.  Well... I was walking into work this morning and the word Iron Man popped into my head.  Thinking, "God, are you for real?"  I have always looked at a friend of a friend who I'd say is of average athletic ability who has completed an Iron Man Triathlon and thought "Gosh I'd love to do that!"  But shit son, 2.4-mile (3.86 km) swim, a 112-mile (180.25 km) bicycle ride and a marathon 26.2-mile (42.2 km) run, raced in that order and without a break sounds impossible.  Most Iron Man events have a strict time limit of 17 hours to complete the race.  The Iron Man race starts at 7:00 AM, the mandatory swim cut off for the 2.4-mile (3.9 km) swim is 2 hours 20 minutes, the bike cut off time is 5:30 PM, and all finishers must complete their marathon by midnight.  Hmmm... I REALLY would love to do it just once.  However, I wasn't the hugest fan of a marathon there ever was.  Could I really do another marathon IN ADDITION to all that other stuff?  And I'd have to get a road bike as the trusty hybrid isn't going to cut it.  Hmmm... it's something to think about.  I also know though that if it's in God's plan, it's in His power and He won't let it go from my heart.  I can already see my sweet tattoo of my little red Iron Man on my thigh, right under my 26.2... shit this desire isn't gonna go away until I do it, huh?

I figure I need to stay on my current plan and I will be at my goal weight in roughly 4 months.  I am thinking that I'd like to start training for an Olympic triathlon come May 1st, which would be 1.5 kilometres (0.93 mi) swim, 40 kilometres (25 mi) bike, and a 10 kilometres (6.2 mi) run.  I have done a couple sprint triathlons, so I think an Olympic is the next logical step.  Which...of course as one would have it...the Lakeville Triathlon is August 19, 2013...olympic distance and all.  Hate it when plans I'd like to avoid line up like the stars.  :P  We'll see how it plays out...but I know I'm pretty committed to the point of the Olympic tri.  We'll see where I stand on my desire to do an Iron Man after that.  However... those Iron Man's... they're in some pretty nice places...Cozumel, Lake Tahoe, France, Brazil, Los Cabos...that's a fairly large incentive.  I've always said I wanted to take a tropical vacation (yes, I have truly never been outside the US on vacation).  What better way to justify a Cabos vacation then 140.6 miles of athletic torture.  ;)

I'm excited.  I have always LOVED racing, not for speed, cause dayum I'm slow, but to push my body to see what it can do.  I'm ready to start pushing again.

Surprised by Promise, Optimism and Anticipation

After wiping away tears at boot camp tonight, I knew I needed to be good to me and search for what would carry me through the night. I was excited this morning to find out that I have successfully completed 2 weeks of Insanity and tracked every single thing that has gone into my mouth diligently. I have made damn good decisions food wise and its paying off, because...drum roll please...I have lost 7 lbs in two weeks! Go me! So... I didn't see a problem with going to Jimmy Johns to get a delicious turkey sandwich and allowing myself to relax. After consuming said yummyness, I was still cold (damn you Reynolds Syndrome) so I decided to take a bath and continue said relaxation time. Despite how warm and surprisingly relaxed I was, even with the pride of my hard work paying off...I could feel a grey cloud of sadness still looming over me, threatening to provide me with another sleepless night. However...I gave one more attempt at salvaging my mood before I gave into crabbiness under the covers.

And in the most unforeseen way...I feel hopeful, protected and excited! As you know I've been reading this book Crave. And it's been AWESOME so far, challenging me in great ways to become a better me. I will be going through this book with my small group of wonderful ladies that I meet with every two weeks soon, so I also bought the DVD and participation guide. Because I'm sort of really enjoying the book and its EXACTLY what I need right now I have been working ahead, and decided to start on the participation guide tonight. I thought I'd look around it a bit, think about the questions a little and just be ready to explain it to my ladies tomorrow a bit. Twoish hours later...eeek! All 20 pages are done. Yes, I completed two weeks of study in 2 hours.

I just felt God really speaking to me through the study and healing some really raw, open wounds. I felt feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that have been in my heart for ages, start to be slowly chipped at and glimmers of light to shine where only darkness was before. God spoke very clearly to me tonight...giving me hope, and sight of battles won. He made me realize that He's equipped me for this battle and this time it's not a losing one. He's shown me that He's with me and blessed my plan and I will overcome. More then anything though, I felt like I was told tonight "Brooke...this is so much more then you winning the battle over food...I will set you free, your life is blessed and I will not let you fall. I will be your protector." My life is so much bigger then what I'm currently living. I welcome this freedom...I have bigger things to accomplish in life then this.

Tonight God told me "I will surround you with MY shield of love. It is a full bodied shield. The kind that covers head to toe. Whatever fears and hurts you carry about your struggles, know that you are surrounded this day, and every day, with a shield of my love that no enemy can penetrate. I have you covered, head to toe."

And with that surprising peaceful find...this girl is off to sleep. <3

1. Incorrectly understood or interpreted. 2. Not appreciated or given sympathetic understanding

mis·un·der·stood

/ˌmɪs ʌn dərˈstʊd/ Show Spelled [mis-uhn-der-stoo d] Show IPA

adjective

1.

improperly understood or interpreted.

2.

unappreciated.

If you think I'm short and distant, you're probably wrong.  I'm scared and self-preserving. 

If you think I'm pretentious, you're probably wrong.  No one is more critical of me then me. 

If you think I'm angry, you're probably wrong.  I've been angry no more then 3-4x in my life.

If you think I'm mad, you're probably wrong.  I'm sad and breaking inside. 

If you think I'm a quitter, you're probably wrong.  I'll never quit. 

If you think I'm conceited, you're probably wrong.  I'm assertive and stick up for myself. 

If you think I'm crazy, you're probably wrong.  I'm more self aware then most. 

If you think I'm a know it all, you're probably wrong.  I have so very much to learn. 

If you think I think I'm perfect, you're probably wrong.  No one needs more work then I. 

If you think I'm abrupt, you're probably wrong.  I'm just quick to go into protection mode. 

If you think I am defensive, you're probably wrong.  I'm safeguarding my heart. 

If you think I'm compassionate, you've noticed my heart breaks for those hurting. 

If you think that I am loyal, you've noticed If you need me, I'll drop anything for you. 

If you think that I'm loving, you've noticed I'll go to great lengths to show that you're loved. 

If you think that I am strong, you've noticed that despite my hurts, you see me with a smile. 

If you think that I'm expressive, you've noticed that I love to tell you you're special. 

If you think that I'm dedicated, you've noticed I'm authentically devoted. 

If you think that I'm funny, you've noticed I love to make you smile. 

If you think that I'm sensitive, you've noticed my empathy is abounding.

If you think that I'm inquisitive, you've noticed my care is deep and genuine. 

If you think that I am helpful, you've noticed I want to help carry your burden. 

If you think that protective, you've noticed I won't let anyone hurt you. 

I am what you choose to see. 

Made To Crave: "Getting a Plan."

"For years I've looked at other people's flowers and secretly wished for my own lush display. However, the glimpse of this man with his hands digging deep into the Earth brought a new realization. He has a garden because he invests time and energy to make it. He didn't wish it into being. He didn't hope it into being. He didn't just wake up one day and find that garden of glorious blooms had miraculously popped up from the dirt." Nope, he worked for it, made sacrifices for it. With so many things in life, we want results, but we're not super interested in putting in the work required to get the results.

For me, food has become something like a drug, and you know for a good Christian woman, it's a good drug of choice. You know with its lack of hustling, shooting up and pawning my shit that entails with this drug. One would think that it has less negative consequences as well, but I don't know if that's accurate. While although I'm not selling my body for some Doritos, poor choices with food will rat me out every time.

The plan I choose to take to overcome this for me I know cannot be too restrictive. I'll be able to maintain that for only a short while before the quick results no longer outweigh the nice feeling of getting what I desire. I need something that allows for mistakes and is daily life friendly. For me this has always been Weight Watchers. I can choose to eat however I like with this program. There's days where I can throw in the towel so to speak and not stray too far, which allows me to stay on track for the most part and generally make quite good choices. It's something that is easily a lifestyle and rarely feels like a diet. I have returned to points tracking and for this girl, it makes me feel good and in control. It is my food plan for now.

1. What thoughts, images, or emotions do you associate with the word plan? Are you the kind of person who says, "I love it when a plan comes together!" or are you more likely to say, "Plan schman, can't we all just go with the flow?"

I MUST have a plan. Without one I feel out of control in all areas and quickly slide into self destruction.

3. What is the relationship between food and secrets? What secrets do you think your body reveals?

I work out hard, frequently. So CLEARLY food is the issue. Because based on how I workout, I should be where I want to be. I'm done gaining and losing the same 15 lbs over and over and over. I've lost these 15 lbs so many times, I could be well beyond my goal of -42 ten times over. My body will always keep an accurate record of what I'm putting inside.

Made to Crave: "Replacing My Cravings."

Chapter 2:  Replacing My Cravings
What a vicious cycle those of us who struggle with food face.  It's similar to anyone with any addiction I would suppose, but I think with food there's a different aspect to it because I can't just say I don't allow food in my house now, or I no longer associate with those who chose to eat.  I have to learn to not cope with it and consume it in a healthy manner.  But when you're in the early stages of deciding to take control and then attempting to procure said control, it can be a cycle of many "This is my last day to eat what I want, I better live it up, another donut please!"  I had prior to 2-3 weeks ago been in a perpetual circle of this followed by a couple days of healthy eating, followed by throwing in the towel when it was just too hard.  I am a very black and white person (which I am trying to work on and doing quite well I'd say) but what results from this in regards to my eating is that if I made one bad decision, then I decide that all good decisions are pointless from here on out.  Ridiculous, I know.  So I go throughout the day, making more excuses, rationalizations, and promises for better tomorrows.  This feels like such a lonesome battle as who talks about their struggles with food and gosh if I admit that I am out on control, how weak am I?  How can I talk to anyone about this, and if I did, then they might try to hold me accountable!  And what if at times that's great, but what if there's other times (oh and there will be with me) that I am just not in the mood for your accountability.  Food struggles for me are less about the scale or what clothing size I am... honestly because I am almost sort of at a point where I am ok with where I am right now... I don't HATE the way I look.  I am not in love with it and feel confident beyond measure, but I've been in way worse places.  This is more about a battle that rages in my heart about treating me well...taking care of my health and doing what I know is going to make my body feel right and well. 

I have mentioned before in my journaling this book, that it is entirely possible that I rely on food more then I rely on God.  I crave food more then I crave God.  It my comfort, my reward, it brings joyful moments with friends and loved ones, it's there for me in times of stress, when I am lonely, when I am sad, and even when I am happy and in celebration.  I feel ridiculous admitting that, but it's true.  I obviously get that God is way bigger then food and I value and love Him WAY more then food, but when you actually look at what do I turn to daily more often, food or God... all day long it's food.  And when you evaluate all the things that God desires of our hearts, do you really think that he gives a damn about my struggles with food?  To me, the answer is YES!  He cares about anything that we care about and put more effort into on a daily basis more then we invest in Him!  God doesn't want us to want anything more then Him, or for us to invest more time on then we do building our faith. 

A great example of this was the Israelites.  They never reached the promise land and wandered for FORTY YEARS.  I don't know about you, but I don't want to wander about in this world, the desert, unable to enter an abundant life of "milk and honey," because I willfully put God "to the test," over food.  You can insert lots of things in replace of food here.  I think there's lots of things that people engage in that in moderation ARE GOOD, and God wants for us, but if they are taking over our lives, and it's all we focus on and spend way more time on that then God, we're in a dangerous place. 

From now on...when I crave something that I know isn't beneficial for me, I'm going to try to turn to prayer.  Not in some corny "God help my craving go away," sort of way, although I am sure He will, can and is happy to, but in a building more time with Him way. 

Personal Reflections:
1.  Skipped...answer was too basic and non thought provoking. 

2.  There are many reasons we have for wanting to eat differently - losing weight, fitting into a favorite pair of jeans, looking good for an important event.  What reasons motivate  your desire to eat healthier?  Do these reasons give your struggles with food a purpose strong enough to help you resist unhealthy eating?  How do you respond to Lysa's statement, "I had to see the purpose of my struggle as something more then wearing smaller sizes and getting compliments from others...It had to be about something more then just me"? 

For me I know that vanity is not enough for me, I have some pictures of myself at my goal weight that I absolutely just LOVE!  I remember the feelings that I had when I was there and how I felt about myself then.  I felt ON TOP OF THE WORLD.  I felt in control and happy.  However, no matter how good I think I looked, it just doesn't seem to be enough to sustain me.  I am too in the moment and junk food is so good for the in the moment satisfaction.  I am still yet to find what does sustain me.  I have a pair of jeans that make me feel AMAZING and I want to wear so bad, that I know I am about 25 lbs away from, but has that been enough for me?  Nope!  Just keep spinning my wheels, working out and gaining and losing the same ridiculous 15 lbs over the last year... over and over and over.  As I come to the bottom of those 15 lbs right now... I am desperately seeking that answer.  WHAT WILL BE ENOUGH TO KEEP ME GOING?  I think that all the work I am currently doing with my emotional well being is going to take me through, but only time will tell. 

3.  Already talked about that question above...recall times in which you turn to food...Ummm, is 24/7 an option? 

4.  How do you respond to the idea of using your cravings as a prompt to pray?  How has prayer helped or failed to help in your previous food battles. 

It sounds silly to pray for, but I'll do it.  Cause I know God cares about the condition of my heart and this is something that burns within.  I have never used it before, so we'll see. 

This is one of those pictures:

My Safety Net is Small

After a conversation with my best friend, Miss Jennifer last night, I was thinking.  As we talked, I determined that as much as I seem like a massive extrovert, I may be an introvert, and I have a rather small capacity for how many I allow inside to see all the beautiful craziness that knits me together.  I say beautiful because I have come to truly believe there's nothing wrong with me...I am me based on the circumstances I have gone through and they have left imprints on my soul.  I know this doesn't seem like the truth as I am very intimate in my writing and let quite a few view inside, however that's different.  I have control over just how much you get, and I don't have to sit across from you, broken and vulnerable.  I don't have to see the disappointment I imagine I have left on your face.  As I did just that last night, my thoughts sort of spiraled all over and continued into today... to the thought of my safety net.  Who is inside the net of people that when needed, I can turn to and say "I am not good...I need you," and I know that they will be there for me, supporting me, allowing me to be me without judgement. 

When I woke yesterday I knew that sadness was going to flow throughout the day and I was ready to do battle.  Time to break out a tool in my proactive coping skills box.  I know that I will need to be in the presence of someone safe tonight.  Call #1...mother.  Strike, she's closing, aka works until bar close.  #2...Jen.  She's the busiest person I know at work ever, so I didn't hear from her.  #3...Adam.  He's old and his exciting Friday entailed thrilling plans of sleep.  #4...Sara.  She's spending the night with the hubster.  #5...Forest.  She had plans.  WTF, my 16 y.o. sister is able to find friends to hang out with sooner then me?  I suck!  #6...Tammy.  She would have been sooner, but I didn't want to taint her beautiful little family with my sad.  At this point it was 8pm and I was in tears in the Target parking lot.  Swan dive into the pitty pool.  As hard as I tried to prevent it, I took the leap.  If you didn't get a call at this point, don't be offended...there were others on my list that were going to be next...Kelli, Stacy, ect., but I was succumbing to my sad too fast at this point.  The negative thoughts were whirling around me and I was only able to take captive 1-2 out of the 5-10 that were coming at me at any given time.  Just as I started to think "It's 8pm Friday, you're alone, can't find someone to sit with you and you're crying at Target...way to go loser," my phone vibrates.  It's Jen, and just as best friends do, she came running with a life raft, encouraging me to come over, ignoring my protests of interrupting her plans and luring me with wine.  Just after I agree to stop by, Tammy also comes in as backup with sweet words, an invitation and encouragement as always.  Jen says "Matt will probably make you laugh," and just that he did.  I don't know how Jen keeps a straight face ever in a relationship with that man... the shit that comes out of his mouth, you'd think his thoughts are continually on some kind of psychedelic.  As a side note, THANK YOU Matt, Jen and Nola for entertaining me and being there for me last night!  It meant the world to me and was EXACTLY what I needed. 

Back to the thought at hand... as an introvert, it's REALLY hard for me to say "I am sad, I need you."  If I have got to that point with you, handle me with kid gloves, I'm likely insanely fragile at this point.  It takes A LOT for me to reach out, my pride is overflowing and I don't like to admit to myself, let alone another that I'm not as strong as I profess to be.  I don't need a lot, just someone to sit with me and remind me that all is good, to remind me why you love me and that you always will.  Jen of course did just that and so much more.  She gets me.  But this net of people that I feel safe falling into is small, and because of that, if someone who was once inside decides to leave, or worse yet, betrays the safety I've given as a gift, IT HURTS LIKE HELL.  Because my net is shallow... the tears feel bigger, my insides wretch in pain and the breath in my chest doesn't come easy.

I guess I don't have some ground breaking realization to share based on all these thoughts... it was just something that seemed liked an important realization that I had this afternoon, and needed to write it out to make it more clear in my mind. 

This Girl...

Know what helps me combat my self deprecating thoughts?  Looking at a picture like this one: 

Where I was surrounded by people who loved and believed in me and bring me up at all times, felt good about who I was at the moment, and have joyful memories.  There's a little girl behind that smile who loves people, had dreams for herself, believed in herself and always looked for the good in everyone around her.  She was positive, kind, loving, giving and proud of herself.  I am fighting for that girl and I won't stop.  No matter who or what road blocks I face, I will not give up and I will not let others dictate who I know I am.  Depression, anxiety, manipulation, abuse, hurtful words, and lies will not stick here.   

Post Secret

I love Post Secret posts. Seriously. I spent over an hour last night just going through hundreds of these. I don't know if I love them because some I can 300% relate to and it feels like someone wrote my heart's deepest words, before I was even 100% cognizant of them, or if its because I feel so deeply for hurts that I can't imagine. Sometimes I read them and think "Ohhhh...I hope that sweet thing had someone who will sit with them in their pain, cause Id really like to hug them right now!" Some are unbelievably funny and I cannot believe someone did that, and some bring tears of happiness of experiences I can't wait to go through.

What is your favorite post secret? If you could write a post secret, what would it be?