Blarg! Augh!! My chest is so heavy it's making breathing difficult, and the pit in my stomach feels never ending. While I've had two completely amazing days in Disney, laughing, feeling carefree at times and genuinely happy and grateful for the beauty and friendships in my life...I've also been completely overwhelmed the last 12 hours with some of the worst anxiety and sadness I've experienced in a REALLY long time!!!!
I've been off depression medications for about a month and that decision feels good and right, however anxiety is another story I'm continually learning about and figuring out my best plans of attack. Right now it's extremely situational...although I LOVE my girls, I desperately want to be home with my family!!! While my brain understands that at 5:20am I will be, my heart still feels like that's four lifetimes away. Figuring out how life is supposed to look and carrying on when someone you love very much and has been a part of your life for as long as you can remember has been given a time frame for life...turns out to be a confusing emotional effing roller coaster!!!
I thought and prayed about leaving for a long time and thought it was ok and right, but right now I just want to hear the comfort of Lynn's O2 machine humming along and the oddly reassuring chaos of my family around me. And I don't think how I feel right now is necessarily even about being in Vegas versus Lakeville right now...I THINK it's just a hot mess of my emotions that when I'm at home, in the moment, able to placate. Take me out of that where it's just me, my emotions, and my thoughts and it's turning out to feel insanely raw. My first "vacation" where tears quietly fell down my cheeks as I drifted in and out of sleep last night and fall like huge raindrops this morning.
Cancer is horrific. It changes everything, and feels brutally unfair. Life is not even sorta fair, but it still feels maddening. Anger washes over me sometimes at levels I've never experienced before. I'm not an angry girl. Actually...yelling and the expression of anger frightens me to my core. It shakes my soul and makes me scared of everything around me. However, cancer brings it out of me. The unfairness of it digs out deep anger where I find myself doing things out of the expression of anger I had never understood when others did in the past. Punching my steering wheel, begging God "WHY?" Throwing my phone against the passenger side window in my car, cause potentially shattering a window and my phone could somehow make the news on the screen be different. It's still unfair no matter how you dress it up in positivity. I want my Dad and Lynn to be grandparents, together...for a really long time. I want Kelli to know what it feels like to have a momma at her wedding, and know that there's not a soul in the room more proud of you and happy in that moment than her. I want my dad to know what it's like to "grow old" with someone, and I want Lynn to be able to see her boys as men someday. I feel guilt knowing I've had moments with her that her own kids may never have. Guilt, lined with memories that I'd not give up for a million dollars.
So while it feels like I'm going on hour 13 of one hell of an anxiety attack...I fear this is just normal emotion of knowing your days with your loved one are numbered and as much as you can manipulate, control and change most things in your life...this is not one of those things. And if I hear "we're all dying," and "everyone's days are numbered," one more time, you might be the unfortunate one where my "screw yourself," just might take that jump from my mind to my lips. Although that's rationally true, nothing about this process feels rational, and suppressing the irrationality and putting on a frosting of "it'll be ok in the end," when you're just not feeling it in the moment doesn't seem beneficial. Today...cancer effing sucks, and anxiety is a bitch.
For most my adult life I have worried little about money. I have a good job that pays well and have for the most part just did what I wanted when I wanted without thinking of the financial consequences. That mildly worked for me. I was able to own a home, make my payments on various bills, ect., and lead a fruitful life. However, I got to the point where every year I got my taxes done they would say "You made $xx,xxx this year, is that accurate?" and it would blow my mind! I would think I made how much!? Where the hell did all that money go? It even got to the point where it was "You made $xxx,xxx and owe $x,xxx," and I'll tell you that first x was not a 1. You know you're a big kid when you're no longer getting fat return checks anymore like the days of your 20's. I remember when I was a kid, I thought people who made 6 figures were millionaires. Turns out I was making said number and there were times where I had not a penny to my name just prior to pay day. Over the last couple years it has been weighing on me more and more that I need to get my act together and not frivolously spend my money on whatever sounded good at that second.
I had a friend Becky who a couple years ago, she started breaking out her cash system and I would occasionally hear "That's not in the budget," from her when I'd ask her to do things. As everyone does when your own self-deprecating behavior is slapped in your face by someone who chooses to make responsible, healthy life changes, I thought "Wow, she's weird!" But she wasn't. She was smart, she was responsible and she's nearly debt free today, including her mortgage (in progress), in her early 30's.
In the early summer I decided that was it, I was going to do something about my problem of almost literally burning my money and learn how to be responsible with my money, so that I could live like I made the amount of money that I do! I looked up when the next Dave Ramsey - Financial Peace University (FPU) class was in the metro area and signed up! The class is roughly $100.00 dollars for the 10 week class, all the materials and a lifetime membership where you can come back for a refresher at any time. Get this irony, I over drafted on my FPU purchase! If that wasn't an indication I needed some direction, I don't know what was!
In early September I started FPU at a church in Apple Valley. I wasn't even going to wait until Hosanna! offered it or someone I knew was leading it. This was a no more excuses goal for me and I was taking it the first opportunity I had and was going to give it everything I had. I had reservations about it as I wondered if it was just some get rich quick deal or something crazy like that. However, I made the commitment that I was going to give it everything I had for the 10 weeks and if it was a fail, nothing lost really, except the $135 I ended up paying for the materials. I have been going to FPU now for only 5 weeks, and I cannot tell you how much it's changed my life!! I was so very skeptical, but I am working on "baby step number two" already, pay off all your debt, and after next month, I'll be down to only owing on student loans. That's roughly $6,000 dollars in credit card, line of credit and medical bills paid off in 5 weeks, as well as $1,000 in the bank as an emergency fund!! My truck is paid off (including the $1,700 loan for the transmission last year), and I feel so crazy free and in control it's hard to explain. I am using the cash system and only paying for all purchases besides bills that are automatically withdrawn with cash. I have a budget for everything that I need AND want, and allocate that money accordingly every 2 weeks and take out all the cash I'll need for the 2 weeks for those things. When the cash is gone, you're done spending. I KNOW! Crazy phenomenon.
People think that living on a budget means that you don't get anything fun anymore, and that's so very far from the truth! It means that you're free to spend your money how you have budgeted without guilt or fear, because you actually have the money to spend. I know mathematically I have not started making any more money in the last 5 weeks, but I feel like I got a massive raise since as I am now deciding where my money goes versus wondering where the hell it all went. I have money set aside every week for going out to dinner, for entertainment, and get this I even have a clothes budget, so I am definitely not living the beans and rice life living on a budget that people think you do. A huge way that people get themselves into trouble with money, particularly those of us who have plenty coming in, is that we are not emotional about our money (well, until it's all gone). Money barely exists in our world when we use plastic for everything. That's how it was for me. It was so easy to spend money on something that I wouldn't give two shits about in a couple weeks when it was just a quick swipe of the card. However, now that I have a budget and buying something means having the cash in my hands and giving it to someone else, I really think "Is this worth it?" I LOVE IT! I am totally a nerd, so I know that doesn't sound exciting to some people, but to be in control and not feel impulsive is an amazing feeling! I now have an emotional connection to my money and really evaluate where and how I want to spend it.
As a result I am able to put money every single paycheck into savings, I am able to pay all my bills (and more than just my minimal payment), I am able to do the fun things that I love doing, and best of all, I am able to give over 15% of my income! As a Christian I have always wanted to be able to give freely with my money. There are so very very very many people who are not blessed like I am, and I feel because of that it isn't nice to give, it's my duty to give! However, before, I would get the the end of paying bills and living expenses, and I a) wouldn't have anything for savings and b) I surely didn't have 10% left over to give to myself, let alone to my church or other areas where I would like to give! One of the most impactful things that Dave said in one of his talks about that very topic was that "That's because your budget is upside down!" Well duh! You give first. I have heard that said many of times before that you give off the top, ect., ect., ect., and always thought "Well yeah, that's all good and fine, but I need to pay my bills." Well hello yee of little faith! I have seen with my own eyes God take care of me on way grander scales than with my money, why did I think that I needed to see it all make sense logically in this instance before I would trust Him!? So... I took the leap of faith and shockingly... it not only works, but it works way better then when Brooke was in control! Duh...how many times a day does that need to be proven to me? Imagine what this world would be like if everyone was able to live in financial peace and give freely? I think that would be pretty dang awesome! Broke people can't feed the homeless, and I have no doubt in my mind that it is our duty to take care of those less fortunate than us. A foolish man devours all he has. I was done being foolish. It wasn't a math problem, it was a me problem! I was done being the victim and I was ready to start making choices that would affect my future!
FPU is NOT by any means complicated. Dave talks about the 7 baby steps, but it's even easier then that! You get $1,000 dollars in the bank for emergencies, set a budget, and pay off all your debt using the "debt snowball," putting all your payments from the previous debt into the next debt until you're paying way over the minimum payment on your bills. For example, I am to the point now where I am paying $350ish dollars a month on a $67 dollar student loan bill. No wonder I felt like I was going to be paying on my degrees well past the age where I would even be using them! I was paying $67 dollars a month on a bill well into the thousands. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that's dumb! But hey, the loan companies we willing to give me that payment, why wouldn't I want to take advantage of that!? Well, because who wants to be a slave to a lender for the rest of their damn life? Not this girl! It was actually quite funny, when I called to cancel all my credit cards, one of the guy said "But ma'am this card is connected to your checking account to protect you in the event of an overdraft, what will you do now?" I said "Not overdraft." That was a foreign concept to him.
One of my favorite things that Dave always says is that we have to live like no one else, so that later on in life we can live and give like no one else! It reminds me of my Grandma Kelly. My Grandpa Kelly was incredibly financially smart throughout his entire life. I know that my step-mom and my uncles didn't live an extravagant life growing up, but they also always had everything that they needed. Now, as a retired man, my grandpa is very much living like no one else! Every year my grandpa is able to take our entire family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grand kids, great grand kids, girlfriends, boyfriends, ect., and he is able to pay for an entire family vacation for an entire week for everyone! Because my grandpa made sacrifices and didn't give into his every financial whim, he is able to leave a legacy for his family and create memories for himself and our family that couldn't be traded for all the money in the world. THAT right there is a life that I want. Especially if all it takes is just making a plan and sticking to it.
So before you start reading, I hope you have watched that video. Only because I think in order to understand where I am going, you have to know where I've been. That video, those words speak to my soul so deeply about how I feel, that EVERY time it comes on, the tears just stream down my face like a fire hydrant. Not because I feel sorry for myself or I grieve for where I've been, but out of extreme amazement in where He's brought me over the last 6 months and the almost still disbelief in what HE can do with a broken girl like me! If He can do it in me, someone who fights him tooth and nail against my better judgment, every dang day...He can do great works in anyone!!
I've been pretty candid in my struggle over the last couple years. Depression, anxiety, self doubt, self hatred at times, self sabotage, is there a theme here...? So, I think most people who read my blog or are in my life in any capacity really, pretty much know the battle I have fought over the last couple years, with, well myself, cause this girl...she's her own biggest issue! The two years that I feel like I spent in darkness, I never actually gave up my faith, because I always knew He was real, and He was there, but I just didn't feel like He was in MY life. That was until towards the end of those two years, he gave me a vision (really, I am sane, I promise, but He did and there's no less crazier way to say that). Basically in desperation one day I cried out to Him, "GOD!!! Why?!? When does the sadness end?" and what I saw and heard was this: "Baby girl, you're standing in a dark room, and you're choosing that darkness. And that's ok, I'm not mad at you for that, but that world and I cannot coexist." At this point I could see myself standing in this dark room, and there was a hallway outside, and the lights were on, and it was very bright in the hallway. He said "When you're ready, I'm out here. You're welcome to come be with me when YOU are ready, out here, in the light." Cue light bulb moment for Brooke. Not life changing mind you, because I am thee most stubborn person in the whole world, and I don't even do what's good for me when I know what's good for me, and I've been told by God what to do! Oh no, I just keep presenting to Him what I want, what my flesh wants and I just keep begging Him to bless that plan. Thankfully He didn't. But I've been everywhere this song talks about! I've been the one! I've been the one to shake with fear, to wonder if He was even there, to doubt His love, and to believe He wasn't enough. I was the one. I was the one to say that I'd overcome my own shame, to fall apart and question who He was. I was the one. I was the one held down by chains of my own shame, and to believe where I was, He couldn't reach.
That was, until with trembling knees, I took a step towards Him. Brooke's way wasn't working for me and I had spent years and years as a strong Christian, so I knew the way, it was just getting back to that, that was almost unbearably scary. I thought He'd be mad at me, I thought my peers would judge me, and I didn't think I was worthy of that life anymore. Boy was I wrong. He wasn't mad at me, He missed me! Through amazing friends who have stood by me when I was almost unbearable, a church family that continually welcomes me with open arms, a God ordained ministry (HEART) to get me outside myself, a family that beats the best cheer squad around, and my surrender to Him, I can say that today I am happier, and in a better place than I have ever been in my life. I wouldn't wish what I went through on another soul, but I wouldn't trade where I am today for it either.
It turns out that God didn't not want for me what I wanted...He wanted way better. I was just too dang stubborn to realize that. I was just way too busy focusing on what I thought would make me feel better now, that I couldn't see the glorious plan He had waiting for me. I was living in bondage to my strongholds. Fear, pride, insecurity, guilt, shame, control, anger, perfectionism, idolatry, you name it. I was judging my whole life, on a brief season of failure. What I learned was that if we don't seek freedom from our strongholds, we'll shelter them, and boy was I sheltering them. They weren't working for me, but they were mine, and they were comfortable. I was scared. Until I realized that nothing I was holding on to was worth what I was giving up. I finally let go and I begged God "Get in my business and set me free!" Thank God he was willing to dethrone me from myself! Unfortunately because I am stubborn, like I have mentioned in a previous post, He had to do a lot of dethroning. He had to take a lot of things out of my life because I couldn't on my own put them in their rightful place. Thank God He did. God simply wanted me to ask for His help the whole time, yet time and time again I would look to the aid of other things to fill what could only be filled by Him. More pride I am sure. I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, and I wasn't sure God was going to show up for me anymore. God had no choice but to be more drastic as he knew my own behavior would have destroyed me.
Part of me was always in disbelief. "How did I get here?" I would ask myself. Over and over. I think that sometimes satan attacks the weak and wandering because he can, but sometimes I think that he attacks the fully surrendered for the possibility of the domino effect it could have. Don't hear me wrong, I don't believe I was made to choose a path that wasn't of God, I just think that satan created quite the scenic route to entice me. In the end, Brooke made the choices (did you know that our hearts can want what's desperately wrong for us - Jeremiah 17:9). As I took that first step, I immediately knew, with Pastor Shea on my left and my dear friend Becky on my right that all He wanted all along was for me to cry out to Him! Faith is not the absence of being scared, as my favorite person ever, Beth Moore says "faith is choosing to believe God even when your heart is melting with fear. Our faith is tested by what we do with fear, not whether or not we have it." I realized He wasn't going to change me while I was sleeping. I had to get engaged. And with that, God said "Daughter, your faith has healed you!" This time around I needed to start seeking acceptance in Him, not in the approval of others. I started to realize that sometimes, God allows wounding in our lives to heal us.
Through the Breaking Free, Beth Moore study that without a doubt God placed in my life at just the right time, He's been taking out everything that hinders me from experiencing His plan for me. Anxiety has always been my biggest issue. Even before two years ago, I was always highly anxious, however, I am happier, more peaceful and less anxious living a life that glorifies Him. It's like He was asking me "Why do you waste your time working so hard on things that are never enough, can never fill you up, and are endlessly insufficient?" Huh...good question God! It wasn't until I stopped trying to figure out all the why's, that unexpected peace washed over me. Now, I am learning that trusting my feelings is silly. Feelings are not facts. I may not feel like giving my circumstances over to Him, but when I do it because He has told me to, He always rewards me with solutions even this oh so knowledgeable girl never thought of. ;) Ponder this, God is incapable of making mistakes in our lives. Can I say the same for myself? Huh, nope. Does this mean that when you give your circumstances to God, that everything's all good and life aint hard? Nadda, I wish! It's still hard. However, like He says in Matthew 14:25-32, "Don't worry! I am right here! I know the winds are raging and the waves are deep, but I am God over both!" Had someone told me even 6 months ago that I'd learn to enjoy life even when it wasn't particularly enjoyable, I'd think you were banana crackers (thank you Patsy for that awesome word).
Like I had previously mentioned pride was my killer. But get this, this blew my mind, pride at times can sometimes not look like pride, it disguises it self real well. I had thought that I was too far gone. Too evil, too sinful, too you name it. I believed that my problem was bigger than my God. Pride covered my heart, it blinded me from looking back, it didn't allow Him to tell me what to do, it didn't think there was a problem, and I definitely wasn't about to admit I was weak. Take if from a girl who had to be humbled, you might want to humble yourself before He's forced to do so. I also mentioned idolatry. Most people think idolatry!? That's a thing today? Most definitely. Setting our sights on finding 100% fulfillment on anything other than Him will always end in a "something's missing" feeling. My idol? People, and their acceptance of me and making them happy. I realized I was putting people and my relationships in places where only God belonged. How silly to exalt a person, how my deluded heart mislead me. With all that, what would I do? Anything but pray. Why would you pray? I had to DO something to fix it. What bondage the enemy had over me when he convinced me that I was even beyond prayer! Beth Moore says it best, "Our human nature is much too self-destructive to automatically choose what is best for us in our weakest moments." That was surely true in my life.
At this point in my life, my only goal is to get across that finish line, a sinful woman, set free! I want to be obedient to him because as I've come to find out, anytime you play with temptation or what you know isn't good for you, it will always always always cost you more than you were willing to pay! I don't plan to stop until His freedom is my sweet victory! There's times during this journey that I've taken steps backwards, particularly when I got scared and wanted to revert to what was comfortable. I realized that as long as a small piece of me still loved, I was going to go back. He had to bring me to a place where I hated the stronghold in my life so much that I said "Come get it!" Just like Miss Beth says, I had a messed up want to! I was wrongly associating benefit with something that brought me harm. I gave those wrong things everything I could, until I was destroyed. Thank God my confession allowed me to start talking to God. Despite what I was telling myself, He forgave me and has since been working with me day by day change my responses.
One of the biggest things I had to and still work on is forgiveness. I had so much anger in me. I thought if I let this go, then that means everything is ok God? That's actually not how it works. God sees every bit of our injustices. He does, and what I didn't realize was that He can far better represent me in justice and uphold my cause than I can! Mind blown! I had to get to the point in my life where I felt sorrier for those that had hurt me, and who they were, than I felt for myself. I had to once again turn to God and stop trusting my feelings. Turns out my heart is no one's responsibility but mine and Christ's. "But God!" I would say, "They knew that would hurt me, and their premeditation revealed that they decided that was ok, that it was worth it. Am I that worthless?" Nope, not at all it turns out, turns out that if God was willing to allow something that difficult, He plans to use it in mighty ways! Turns out it was now my choice. Was I going to let Christ bind up my hurt, or was I just going to go around hemorrhaging at the heart? Sometimes God has got to get bold with me cause I am just that stubborn and dense. He said "I died a criminals death, so you could get well!" Ohhhhh, yeah...I suppose it's about time He got what He paid for in this girl, huh?
I recently saw a picture of myself during my time in darkness, and I felt like my outward appearance echoed the darkness in my soul. As cheesy as it sounds, there are times now where I feel like I have a brightness in my soul that shines through my face! :) Girls!!! YOU ARE LOVED!! Lately I have gone from this self proclaimed girl hater, to a girl who just loves girl world! I feel like I have this new love for hurting women. Last week in Beth Moore she said something profound that has actually been something I have used this week to combat old negative self tapes. Did you know, that it says in Isaiah 61:10 that He has clothed YOU in garments of salvation, and a robe of righteousness, and He adores you like His bride? That's how Christ sees you. However, here's the mind blowing piece, that is also how the enemy sees you!! That's how the ultimate enemy sees you and that's how your enemies see you! Their job is to deceive us to believe that we are much less than we are because we'll then act like we're who we think we are. So my dear sister, know that no matter what has happened, what you have done, or where you have been, YOU are LOVED LOVED LOVED, and worth so much more!!! God says about you "Isn't she gorgeous?"
I don't think that God called me out of darkness because I am a great woman of character. I suspect He called me because I am just as sinful as the next. Who better to speak hope into the people than one who has sinned and turned to God? Today, I am more in love with Jesus than when I started. It's not easy, actually, it will feel hard, and then it will feel harder, it's only then if you keep going and trust in Him, that it starts to get easier, and right on the other side of that, there's freedom! Just wait to see what it's like when God brings you through what you thought would kill you! It says in Deuteronomy 21:17 that you will be compensated a double portion for what they enemy took from you.
God's changes are never easy or convenient, and you'll never feel brave until you're halfway through or on the other side completely, take it from a girl who's barely halfway through. My assurance didn't come from having the right circumstances. It came from knowing my reality of who I am in Christ. As Lisa Bevere said "God's dream for you is the enemies nightmare."
It’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, And my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, My constant need to feel loved and appreciated, My overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, And my tendency to jump to conclusions. You fall in love with my troubled past, My unrealistic hopes and dreams, And the fact that I seriously believe they could come true. You fall in love with my wild temper, My illogical thought process, And how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart, despite my feminist views. If you fall in love with me, You fall in love with my self-hate, all my imperfections, And my perception that nobody could ever love me. You fall in love with the history that has caused me to think this way.
But you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, The way I’ll text you in the mornings just to tell you I hope you have a great day, And at night, to wish you sweet dreams. You’re falling in love with the occasionally thought-provoking things I say, And the silly things I do in an attempt to see you smile. You are falling in love with the way I blush when people ask me about you, And how I’ll hold your hand, even if we’re fighting. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, Despite my thinking that it is impossible.
After a really hard, emotional day yesterday, I lay in bed last night, processing everything, trying to figure out what it was that I gained from my struggle and what growth I could take away from the day. Even though yesterday was a day that I don't particularly want to relive, I cannot cannot cannot express how amazing it feels to be able to navigate my way through it and still feel peace and hope at the end of the day. In the past, a hard day would set me back, making me just feel crummy and depressed, for days. Yesterday I was able to have my hard moment (crying in the parking lot of Walmart, cause I'm awesome), then take some time to reflect, take some time to take care of myself with a nap, and wake up with new perspective and be able to still feel hopeful. I was driving to the HEART (Hosanna! Emergency Action Response Team) meeting, and it was gorgeous out. The sun was shinning, and I had the windows down, blaring music, my new fave sunglasses, feeling the warmth in a tank...I just felt at peace and hope full. I felt like God was saying "Baby girl...it's all good. I got you!" It sounds silly but I was proud of myself, that I was able to feel sad, but I got through it and was still able to enjoy something simple like sunshine at the end of the day.
I haven't talked about HEART too much, because things haven't been real firm for a bit, but things are coming together, and I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED. One time I heard a saying a long time ago, somewhere at Hosanna that said to "Find what breaks your heart, and feed it." Meaning if you find what just shatters your heart, that's where you will be most effective in giving of your time/talents. As all know, natural disaster response/recovery has been my PASSION since my first Hurricane Katrina trip in 2006. I remember watching every detail on TV and knew in the deepest part of my soul that I needed to be involved in the lives of the people there. 5+ trips to New Orleans later, that city won my heart and changed my life. Since then I have led trips to Houston after Hurricane Ike, Cedar Rapids, IA after the flooding there, helping in Rushford, MN and Owatonna, MN after their flooding, and now Stanten Island, NY after Hurricane Sandy. This is EXACTLY what they meant by finding what breaks your heart. When I am doing this work, I feel like I am doing what I was made for. Sounds cheesy, over the top, whatever, but that's truly how I feel.
Anyways, John the man behind the HEART ministry at Hosanna asked me to join HEART as an Incident Coordinator when we were in NY!!!! :) I have mentioned in a couple blogs that God is opening up some incredible doors of opportunity for me, and this is one of the major ones that I was referring to! :) :) :) :) As Incident Coordinator, we work with the teams to coordinate deployment to various natural disaster sites. I couldn't be more excited or feel like I am exactly where He wants me to be. We have had a couple meetings so far since I joined the team (one being a meeting to start planning a response to OK), but had our leadership meeting last night. It's funny how God knows exactly what we need, when. He was working on preparing my heart on the way there, but solidified everything with that meeting. Just reminding me what HIS plan is for me and to trust HIM because it's bigger and better then what I have settled for my life being on my own. I have no doubt in my mind that God is using HEART to refocus my heart and mind.
Last night while I was laying in bed, I read a day ahead in my Jesus Calling devotional, and hot damn, it spoke to exactly how I was feeling about my day:
I HAVE LOVED YOU with an everlasting love. Before time began, I knew you. For years you swam around in a sea of meaninglessness, searching for Love, hoping for hope. All that time I was pursuing you, aching to embrace you in My compassionate arms.
When time was right, I revealed myself to you. I lifted you out of that sea of despair and set you down on a firm foundation. Sometimes you felt naked – exposed to the revealing Light of My Presence. I wrapped an ermine robe around you: My robe of righteousness. I sang you a Love song, whose beginning and end are veiled in eternity. I infused meaning into your mind and harmony into your heart. Join Me in singing my song. Together we will draw others out of darkness into My marvelous Light.
Holy Moses, did that speak to me exactly where I was yesterday. For years, I did walk in darkness, and I knew with all my heart he was pursuing me the whole time, and only when the time was right, did He lift me up and give me a firm foundation, and because of that, I feel like it's not only my duty, but I cannot wait to help others out of darkness!
I like the kids version, because often times I feel like God uses His most gentle kid gloves to speak to me:
I have always loved you – always. Before the beginning of time, I knew you and I loved you. In your mother’s tummy, I knew you and loved you. From the moment you were born, I knew you and loved you. And I have been right here with you every moment since then, knowing everything about you and loving you – mistakes and all.
I will never leave you or stop loving you. You are My chosen one – wearing clothes of salvation and wrapped up in My Love. I will sing to you, and I will teach you how to sing with Me. And together we will tell others about My Love, which never ends.
Always when I feel like God is speaking to me, it's just like how my mom talks to me. Gentle and unconditionally loving. As of late, I know that he is trying to tell me "Baby girl, you're with me now. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you!" I have had literally now 5 people (who have not spoke to each other) in 2 days say to me:
"You know you're a real sweetheart under your tough exterior."
"You're so tender when you're not trying to come off as a bitch."
"You're more soft like your mom then you'd like to admit. You come off as hard, but you're actually very soft hearted."
"You're not a bitch as much as you'd like people to think you are."
Hmmm...ok, what are you trying to tell me God? Coincidentally they were all guys except one (who I typically have a harder time trusting, and a greater sense of needing to protect myself from). I feel like I'm being told that He made me sensitive...like SUPER sensitive, and that's ok. And while I likely will always carry myself with a "Don't screw with me" attitude...maybe, just maybe, sometimes it's ok to be soft again.
Mom said something last night that really hit me. She said "You give so much of yourself away, it's hard to gather it all back." *sigh* So very true mom. However, I think I (with the help of God) am on my way to picking up the pieces and making something pretty awesome out of them. <3
Forgive me if this post is all over, it's sorta been writing itself in my head, different paragraphs here and there for over a week, and I haven't written any of it down, so it's all likely going to come up like a jumbled mess of word salad. Such is life. Anyways...
The other day at the Joyful Noise music festival that I went to, the singer of 10th Ave North said something that struck me as along the exact same lines as said blog that has been whirling around in my head and recent conversations, er, stubborn arguments with God as of late. Mike (the lead singer) said "Don't make good things the ultimate thing...because, you will lose sight of the fact that if you lose those things, you will still be ok." This stung pretty deep because I have been sorting through the last 2.5 years of my life recently and trying to find purpose in this beautiful mess I have found myself in, and have been feeling (even before this concert) like I had fallen trap to putting stuff and things and people before my relationship with God. I was starting to look back on my life over the last 2.5 years and started to wonder if He was just going to slowly take everything that I had placed all this importance on, away from me, until I put Him in the right priority in my life. As a side note, for any non-Christians out there reading my blog, please don't think "What a shittastic God she believes in to do something like that!" In the end... it's what I needed, and I truly believe will put me in a mind set that will make me happier then I ever would have been, had I got to keep everything that was so damn important to me.
But everything...everything that I thought that I "needed" to be happy, is gone. First it was my "dream career" as a police officer. Hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, but the best, worst thing that I've done. I know with all my heart that department was not right for me, and I would not have been happy there. Because of the tornado that went whipping through my life after leaving there, I have yet to return to law enforcement (my head and heart aren't there yet). That's for another post, that again has already started writing itself as well, but I am at peace with where I am at right now in my career. Then, it was my marriage, and then my house, and then relationships, and then another move, and more relationships, oh another move, then my faith, then my goals, then my friendships, then my drive, the death of my grandma, then my sanity oh and another relationship. Until I felt like I was standing naked and alone, wondering "HOW THE FLYING FUCK DID I GET HERE?"
That was until I realized that at this point I had no where to go but up, and the ability to turn to some angels standing around me, who have never left my side, despite me pushing them away day in and day out, who were just patiently waiting for me to come to my senses and were happy to help me take steps in the right direction only when I was ready. *Yup, there's the tears starting now.* It took circumstances to fall into places where it was clear that I had absolutely no control anymore, for me to let go and and do somethings I swore I'd never do, but I knew were for my best interest. It's funny how sometimes the things that we want most in life, are the very things that we need to let go of in order to be truly happy. Things that we thought that if we lost, we'd never be happy again. Oh the hurt.
But, as my favorite 10th Ave North song goes...this is where the healing begins...all those walls I built up, were just glass on the outside. I was ready to stop trying to save myself because I was worse off then I thought, and it was time to remember the fact that I was so deeply loved that someone died for me. It's been 27 days since I started on anti-depressants, another one of those hardest decisions of my life I've had to swallow my pride over, but I regret not an ounce of it. 6+ months since I decided that He was in complete control of my life and I was done trying to run the show. The results? Again, oh the hurt, but oh the growth, and instances of pure joy that I haven't experienced in a long time. Feelings of peace and hope, new friends, opportunities I would have never dreamed of and a rebuilding of a life that looks like it could turn out better then the one I was busy building myself.
As I mentioned a blog or two back, I'm finding peace in forgiveness. I always knew that hurting people, hurt people, but more so now learning that forgiven people, forgive people. The realization that grace/mercy is not forgiveness when the other other person is ready to be sorry or apologize has been setting me free of anger and bitterness, but I still have a long way to go on that one. I remind myself daily that looking down on someone else has no place in the kingdom of grace and feel like God's been asking me to give up my right to hold a grudge.
Mike from 10th Ave North also talked about how Good Friday was actually the worst Friday due to the obvious Jesus being killed and all that jazz, but that Easter was soon to come. He said "Are you in the middle of your worst Friday? Hold on, because the Easter sun is about to rise in your life!" That's where I feel like I am at in my life right now. The worst Friday may have happened, but I can see the Easter sun rising, and it's the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen. It's funny how He takes our mess and weaves it into something more beautiful then we could have ever imagined.
I'm thankful for God's unanswered prayers and contradicting my pleads to give me what I wanted. If you believe in a God that doesn't contradict you, you might want to re-evaluate things...my guess is you believe in yourself more then you believe in God. I only know, cause I've been there. 1 John 3:18 talks about how all this Christianity stuff must not just be talk though. It also must be in our actions. If all we do is talk about God's love and not demonstrate God's love, then we've completely missed the boat. If there's no response from the blessings that He is continually pouring into our lives, then you didn't understand His word. And it's not out of duty that I feel those things need to be done, but out of my heart's desire to want to love others. If we're doing this Christian walk thing correctly, it's like we should be walking around asking God "Lord, please just give me someone to love!" I've always had this huge heart for the hurting in crisis, and because I've been more open to where He wants to use me and my life is more in line with Him, He's using me in the most awesome ways that I couldn't be more excited about.
Again, I'm not saying these things because I am a know it all, and have all the answers. I'm saying it from the heart of just one lost beggar, telling another beggar where to find food. I needed a miracle, and He showed up.
I seriously adore my sisters. Driving home from dropping Kelli Girl off at home tonight, I was just thinking about what amazing little girls they are. They'll always be little girls to me, even if they are 15 and 16 respectively. They're probably close to thee most important things in life to me. I mean I love all my siblings like crazy, but those two girls hold quite the special place in my heart.
They teach me so much about love, laughter and gratitude on a daily basis. It amazes me that the three of us can hang out and completely get each other on a level that only sisters can, and the two of them have nothing in common except for me, and that's enough to form an unbreakable bond. Two girls, who have neither a father or mother in common, brought together by a "broken family," to form my most treasured relationships. They blow me away, the way that two teenage girls can look past the fact that "My father was married to your mother, before either of us were a thought," and just be loving, sweet, silly girls, who form a union in my world that is priceless.
Beyond their ability to look past family "dysfunction," more then most adults I know, is their ability to be silly and make me constantly laugh. I'd say I have a somewhat rare personality/sense of humor...one that's very innocently bold and particularly inappropriate most of the time, and those two are my perfect match. As we sat in my room tonight, sharing stories of us being virgin sluts and laughing ridiculously...I thought "Only my girls...how I wouldn't change them for the world." I love that they're both fierce, strong willed, determined, beautiful young women, who care very little about who the world would like them to be and very much about being true to themselves.
As I stood in the parking lot tonight after we got done laughing our way through bootcamp (only getting the "shut up girls" stare from our trainer umpteen times), they jumped into my truck. I wish I could freeze frame the picture I saw as I walked to my truck and somehow connect how my heart felt. After bonding over inside jokes and making fun of each other, my heart was already full, but to see them laughing, just the two of them, ganging up to pick on me, in a way they could not have possibly learned from me, knowing I had an entire night ahead of me to revel in their love, my heart overflowed.
Forest Lou and Kelli Girl, I hope you know how deeply loved you are. Beyond words and beyond measure, you two are my everything. Your beauty is astounding and you teach me about what's truly important in life. Thank you for being thee most amazing little girls a big sister could ask for.
The sermon on Sunday was about the Lord's Prayer, talking about how it is a pattern for prayer. Which I have heard before, and seen laid out, so that was nothing new. However, there were some key points to the sermon that stood out to me, and an ending that hit home and sat in my stomach about as comfortably as rotten milk, and it's been churning in my stomach ever since. The sermon was laid out in the fashion that the Lord's Prayer is a pattern for prayer in the sense that we need to:
1. Recognize God for who He is. That our God is both "large and in charge," and intimately interested in our lives at the same time. That He is our father, both challenging and comforting, and that we need to surrender and go from MY will be done, to THY will be done, and until we are there, there's really no point in going on in our Christian walk, because it's not about MY kingdom and MY will. Those are actually pretty strong words, but like I talked about last time, it's truth. Which leads into number two...
2. Surrender your will. As I have found out the hard way in my life (you know the way that I do EVERYTHING in life), that presenting our plan to God isn't how He works, and really just causes a lot of pain. So...really, what's the point, unless you're at that point, since it's not about convincing God of our will, but more about conforming to His. I think most people think that they'd prefer a God that's at their beck and call, but like Pastor Ryan talked about, would you really want a God that small? I don't want a God that can only think within the confines of my small mind, that's for dang sure!
3. Trust Him with provision, pardon and protection. Meaning that we will trust that He will give us exactly what we need for each day, and we need to give thanks for that, even if we don't think it's enough. Note previous mention of it not being about OUR will. ;) We need to go forward, trusting that we have been forgiven with confidence, and that He will protect us from temptation.
All good stuff. However, nothing Earth shattering I thought at the time...until I just couldn't get something out of my head later in the week that Pastor Ryan said... "Getting forgiveness and giving forgiveness are inseparable." Huh... God sorta takes that giving forgiveness stuff seriously apparently. And yeah, I agree... yup it's important, and I am pretty good at giving superficial forgiveness out like candy, but I am starting to think that He wants more then that from me. Not for the other people that I need to forgive, because I know that it's not for them that He wants it for, but rather for me...for my peace, my healing and my joy, because unforgiveness, unfortunately pulses through our veins like poison to our soul and only hurts us!
That kind of deep forgiveness, of letting go of deep pain that has been caused by a few people in my life is REALLY hard for me. Especially when there's times that you're still hurt/mad, and ESPECIALLY when those that I need to forgive...are not sorry, and if allowed back in my life, would continue the same behavior. I'M SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE THAT?! I guess so. Shoot, this is going to take some work, and beyond what I'm capable of within my own power. However, after some prayer this morning and kinda thinking about things for a while, it seemed more clear, that it would be easier, if I remembered what forgiveness actually isn't.
Forgiveness is not forgetting, or pretending that it didn't happen. It did happen, and I need to retain that it did, to grow from the lesson that it taught me. However, I need to somehow do that, without holding onto the pain. Forgiveness is also not excusing behavior. We excuse people who are not to blame. We forgive because a wrong was committed. Forgiveness is also not giving permission to continue to hurt me, nor is it condoning the behavior in the past or for the future. Last, forgiveness isn't reconciliation. We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving, or whether we need to maintain our distance.
I think that once I put forgiveness into a more realistic box like that, then it's easier for me to say "Ok, yup God I am ok with this forgiveness thing...again it's more then I am capable of truly doing on a deep level to let go of the hurt/anger surrounding the issue, but if you want to free me from that, then I am ready to let go of it." For me personally, reconciliation is not an option at this point in my life because that's not healthy for me, but forgiveness, I'm definitely ready for. I don't like carrying around hate, anger, resentment, hurt and sadness all the time. I am ready for freedom, joy, peace and a rich life, full of love! I'm also ready to forgive myself for allowing that in my life.
I really like both of these songs about exactly that:
My blogging is always #1, for me to process impactful things for me. Which means reflecting on sermons that spoke to me greatly. The sermon at Hosanna! was given by Pastor Shea last week and was nothing short of amazing. Really, service in general was awesome! I think I ran into every single one of my super sweet peeps from my NY trip...except for Rod. So it was great to see everyone, cause even though it had only been two days, I already missed you freaks! ;) But yeah...the sermon. We're doing a sermon series on prayer and to be honest it hasn't been insanely impactful so far (probably more to do with where I've been in the past, vs the content of the sermon). However, last week was fan-freaking-tastic. I LOVE sermons that make you feel a little uncomfortable in conviction, I am always open for improvement and love the challenge.
Anyways, Shea talked about how prayer is "A conversation that never ends." Just like our relationships in life, without communication, the relationship will die. I know that this is true for me in my relationship with God. The times that I have fallen the farthest or felt like He wasn't there for me, in all reality, it was me who wasn't reaching out in communication. Communication in my relationships is the number one important thing to me in life. If you haven't noticed I sort of like to talk and don't much care for superficial conversation. There's not a more meaningful gift that someone I love can give me then their undivided attention to just talk/listen. I think that God feels the same way about us when we set aside time to talk/listen!
Now for the uncomfortable part. Shea talked about Luke 18:9-14, which is the story of the Pharisee vs the tax collector.
The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector
9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable:10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector.12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ 13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ 14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” I have read this before, but it wasn't until Shea rephrased the "pharisee vs the tax collector" piece of things. He stated that in that day in age, that would have been the equivalency of the pope and a pimp going to God, the pope being the one who stated "thank God I'm not like..." and the pimp being the one who was humble and exclaimed "I am a sinner!" Prayer is honesty. We need to get rid of our pretty Christian masks and show people who we really are, and what's really going on, on the inside, because every single one of us are missing the mark. Why do we try to pretend that all is good anyways? God is smarter then that! I liked that Shea said "You can't show off to God with your good behavior." He knows us better then that! He sees right through that superficial crap. In order to be healed, we have to be honest about our true identity. We have to humble ourselves, because it's not about good behavior on the outside. It's about becoming honest about who we really are. Why would you want "whitewashed tombs with rotting mans bones inside?" When we're honest, God continually washes us clean, as if it never happened. Being more concerned that you look like a good fancy Christian on the outside comes from not being convinced of the Father's love. Just like when we're not convinced that we have the love/acceptance of our Earthly parents, we're driven to preform to gain acceptance. God's not impressed by our performance, he knows our hearts. If we cracked open your heart, what would we find? Until we're honest, God can't do much with us, however when we're honest, God says "Absolutely!" For this girl honesty hasn't always been easy. I am a people pleaser and I'd rather sacrifice my true feelings and have things be "all good," then be up front and honest about how I really feel. However, I've been working on that, and think that I've been given more opportunities to practice being honest, even when the honesty might not feel so hot. I just HATE hurting people, just kills me, so sacrificing myself seems like the more logical option...until I've sacrificed myself so much that I've lost myself. I also have a hard time hearing honesty in the form of criticism. Because of my lack of confidence in myself at times, even when the message isn't "You're all bad," that's what I hear. Again, something that I am working on. :) Anyways...prayer. It's honesty that gets God's attention. Have a beautiful Saturday my loves!
That was my take away from my recent trip to Stanten Island, NY to do Hurricane Sandy relief work. Not only was this obvious in the lives of the people of Stanten Island, it was confirmed in my own life as well as the lives of the others that I was on the trip with. I have a bit of writer's block when it comes to writing about my trip...seems like there's just way too much and it's way too deep to be confined to words on a screen. I don't know where to start really. I keep thinking that I want to write about it, but when I think about it, it doesn't write itself in my head like most of my writing does. So I am just going to stick to some highlights that stick out in my head and go from there.
First was God preparing my heart for the trip. Seriously, nothing short of a miracle. More then I want to go into here, but let's just say that God is 100% good and knows what's best for us. He knew my heart and knew what was needed and where it needed to be in order for me to be in alignment with Him and despite my best efforts to run my own show, He won out, and always will. He rescued me from myself in the most gentle, loving way. With no condemnation for having to drag me, kicking my feet. Someday, I'll learn to just walk in trust. Until then He seems to be ok with giving me a plethora of "Duh!" moments to remind me that He is fully in control.
Next was the sermon Get Up and Go by Pastor Steven Martino, which I have already written about. It's a 55 min sermon, but I'd HIGHLY encourage everyone to listen to it. It's well worth it! Pastor Martino is real, honest and a gifted speaker!
Forgive me because as I write this I am realizing how all over the place this is going to be, because I have little organization in my head about the countless amazing things about my trip that I want to talk about...I feel like I could just say "Wow!" over and over and that about sums it up. ;) However, the next thing that sticks out to me was how anxious and almost sad I was to leave. I am insanely independent and incredibly in need of being around people I feel safe with at the same time. I have a hard time leaving to go anywhere really, and leaving my loved ones behind. I quickly warm up to people and like meeting new people, but my first reaction is fear. As I sat on my mom's front entry way Friday morning, waiting for Shari to pick me up, a woman I had met twice, I had a pit in my stomach. I think I even told my mom that I just wanted to stay home and not do anything for a week (cue lingering feelings of depression obviously). However, from the second I got in Shari's car, I felt at ease. She was sweet and had genuine interest in my life. She asked me questions all the way to the airport. My feelings of anxiety about being with 9 strangers for a week QUICKLY changed to feeling like I had the most amazing 9 new family members I could have ever asked for. Each one, playing a different role of positivity, encouragement, acceptance and love in my life. I felt like I could be real, I could be 100% me. The same feeling I have when I am with my friends whom I've been friends with since I was little. Amazing.
Another incident that stuck out to me was meeting Pastor Joseph. I didn't know if we could be friends from second one as our first meeting he showed up decked to the nines in Yankees wear...hat, shirt, you name it, this man was clearly mislead. ;) However, after he opened his mouth and that thick NY accent came out, I couldn't help but love him. The way he looked into your eyes when he spoke to you and called me sister, and conveyed love, is a rare find. Maybe even he could be delivered from the dark Yankee side. On work day one, I knew that I was going to be moving, putting up and holding sheet rock most of the day, so I had grabbed a pair of gloves from the office, and put them in my work belt. I was sitting there, waiting for to ok to get going for the day when Pastor Joseph walked into the tiny little office. He walked past a number of people as if he had already planned that it was I that he was walking towards, intentionally. Pastor Joseph and I had not shared one iota of personal information about each other at this point. Pastor Joseph walked up to me and handed me a package of gloves. I took them, rather confused because I wasn't really sure why he thought I needed another pair of gloves or an entire package for that matter. But, I took them as to not seem rude. Back story, that everyone is aware of, is that my step-mom has stage 4 ovarian cancer that has metastasized all over her body. Right before I left she was having a lot of side effects of the chemo, and her tumor markers were rapidly rising. I knew that going on the trip was right, and that's where I needed to be, but there was a part of me that felt guilty/sad for leaving when she was struggling so much. Again, I knew I was supposed to go, but there was a part of me that wanted to be in two places at one time. Anyways...back to the unneeded gloves. So, I take Pastor Joseph's gloves to the job site and throw them on the dryer of the house we were at and get to work. Well, a couple hours later, as Brooke normally does, I misplaced my original gloves, and thought "Oh yeah, I have those ones Joseph gave me." So I ripped into those and immediately had a "Hot damn, you are funny God!" moment!! My step-mom's theme while she's had cancer this whole time has been "HOPE." We have hope t-shirts and hope signs and hope wine and hope...you name it. Well...as I open the gloves, there's a bracelet inside the package, that says "Work for Hope." Ha! Talk about God confirming that I was right where I was supposed to be, sharing Lynn's story on the east coast and making new friends to join us in prayer. :) The next morning I told Pastor Joseph about the gloves, and we were pretty much BFF's from there on out. When we left and were saying our goodbyes, Joseph said that he would never forget us, and then pointed to me, and said "But I'll especially never forget that one!" That man was a shining example of a man of God the entire time we were there, and not your fakey, I'm a good Christian man, look at me kinda guy, a hammer swinging for Jesus kinda man. A man that stops his vehicle to help people on the side of the street, and a man who will tell it how it is and ain't afraid to call you out on your BS if it ain't in alignment with God. My kinda man! :)
I can't talk about NY without mentioning the homeowners. We worked on three homes, which were owned by Paul and his wife, Stella, and Mike and Nancy. I worked on Stella's house the entire time. Stella's house was initially a challenge for the group as Stella's daughter lived with her and let's just say she was a little less then appreciative for the free work that was being done for her. Every day that we left the job, the same question was presented, "Are you done yet?" which gets to be a little trying on your heart when you've worked a hard day and gave everything you had. Naturally a thank you is fairly welcome at that point. I think the entire team struggled with this at first, and there was some feelings of wanting to say "Peace out!" However, we really had a great discussion about it and I think that it was a really good opportunity for us all to be reminded that we work as if we're working for God, because we are, not for the recognition of man. The next morning I was in charge of doing devotions and the Jesus Calling devotional for that day was so fitting (duh). It said "Don't let the impact of the world shatter your thinking or draw you away from focusing on me. The ultimate challenge is to keep fixing your eyes on me, no matter what is going on around you. When I am central in your thinking, you are able to view circumstances from my perspective." This is something that I am very passionate about (obviously with my career choices in life), loving those that aren't super lovable. I think it's important to not pass judgment and love and care for those that can't, for whatever reason, bring anything to the table, but themselves, broken. It is in those opportunities that we can as the body of Christ just love them, as Christ would have, and that in my opinion is when hearts are won over the most. One of my most beloved men in this life who is now no longer with us, Mr. Peter Erickson, always said "Preach the word of Christ, and only use words if necessary." Most of the time, people don't care what we know, until they know that we care. As Christians we've given ourselves a bad rap and have some making up to do with our behaviors before anyone cares what we have to say.
I have a whole bunch more I'd love to write about, but for now, I'll leave it at that. God is good, and He's continually confirming for me that He has an awesome plan for me. He is swinging some super exciting doors of opportunity open for me right now and for once, I'm not going to walk through dragging my feet, but with excitement for what He has in store! :)
As anyone who has followed my blog, or caught up on it recently knows, I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a while now. Call the presses, that's a huge shocker, I'm sure Anderson Cooper will be blown away with that nugget of information. Pretty sure that anyone who's spent any amount of time with me over the course of the last 2.5 years, or known me prior to 2.5 years ago would tell ya "Duh!" I have my ideas of how and why this started and blah, blah, blah, but it's really irrelevant to me. All I really care/cared about was getting better. Yeah, I have and will continue to address those issues in counseling, and have come a LONG way, over the course of the last year. However... I have been trying to do it on my own, meaning without God. Not because I didn't want Him, thought that He couldn't help me, or that He had given up on me, more just because I was in such a dark place that I couldn't get there. I felt guilty going to church because it had been so long since I had been, and there was a false voice in my head telling me that I didn't belong, that, that...was no longer my family anymore. I had fallen too far. I now realize that I was presenting my plan for my life to God and asking Him to bless it. As well intentioned as my plan was, with a very pure, loving heart, I was still telling God "Here God, this is what I want, can you make this happen?" Funny story... He doesn't work that way. Thankfully!!
When things were really crashing down around me in my life, as wacko Christian as this may sound, God gave me a vision. I was in a dark room, and there was a hallway outside the room that I was in, with the light on. I felt like God was continually telling me, "I have so many blessings for you, if you'd just come out here! I can't come inside there, that's not part of my plan, so I can't bless your works in there, but if you come out here, and look what I have for you, I think you'll find that I have everything that you want in there, PLUS MORE that you've yet to even imagine!" But...I'm stubborn...really stubborn, so I continued to say "I can probably scrape together this life that I want on my own, I know that God will never really leave me." No, He didn't leave me, but he is 100% good and can't coexist with things that He knows aren't healthy for me. Again, Thank God! As cliche as it sounds, thank God for unanswered prayers.
I've been pushing the idea around in my head for months, to go talk to my doctor about medications again (see failed previous attempt: Other Side of the Table... Doesn't Feel so Hot! ) a year ago. About 4 weeks ago now, I broke. I was frustrated with myself that I felt like I had lost ground on my life. I look at who I was 2.5 years ago and I feel like I am not only not a better person then I was then, I feel like I am weaker, have less faith, and have reverted to old habits. 2.5 years ago I was strong in my faith, I was positive, I was a damn marathon runner, my health, fitness and physical activity were my favorite things to do! I didn't have to put every ounce of effort I had just to work out 2-3x a week, I LOVED it and I felt awesome about my body and who I was as a woman. It was easy for me to eat healthy and I hadn't turned to junk food to fulfill some emotional need in ages! I was so angry with myself! WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET HERE?!? Why did I let other people dictate who I was and how I viewed myself? Being angry with myself wasn't healthy, however, it was my rock bottom, and it was what I needed to say "That's it! I AM DONE SPINNING MY WHEELS!!! I need help and I need God, for real. Not just superficially!" So, unashamedly, 12 days ago, I walked into my doctor's office and had a real, in depth, honest conversation with my AMAZING new doctor about where I was. She was nothing short of an angel. She listened to me, heard my worries, gave me a voice and asked ME what I wanted and what I thought was best for me. HA! Lady...I've drove my life into the ground, I ain't got a clue! :P Despite being SCARED TO DEATH, I started on Lexapro for "Depression." She doesn't think that I fit the diagnostic criteria for depression, and think it's just more of a case of "You're just dealing with too much shitty stuff," but I really don't care what you call it...depression, not depression...if she thought Lexapro would help, then I was ready to trust her. I had already prayed about it and knew that I was going to just be honest and trust her and do whatever she thought was best, so despite being afraid, I was just going to "do it afraid." :)
I shouldn't be surprised then, when just 4 days later, I am insanely blessed by a sermon that I felt was written for me! As you know, I recently got back from a trip to Stanten Island, NY to do Hurricane Sandy relief work (which will be an up and coming blog all in itself), but day two there, I had the incredible opportunity to listen to Pastor Steve Martino give a sermon based on John:
Jesus Heals a Lame Man
5 Afterward Jesus returned to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish holy days.2 Inside the city, near the Sheep Gate, was the pool of Bethesda,[a] with five covered porches.3 Crowds of sick people—blind, lame, or paralyzed—lay on the porches.[b]5 One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years.6 When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?”
7 “I can’t, sir,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. Someone else always gets there ahead of me.” 8 Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!” 9 Instantly, the man was healed! He rolled up his sleeping mat and began walking! But this miracle happened on the Sabbath,10 so the Jewish leaders objected. They said to the man who was cured, “You can’t work on the Sabbath! The law doesn’t allow you to carry that sleeping mat!” 11 But he replied, “The man who healed me told me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’” 12 “Who said such a thing as that?” they demanded. 13 The man didn’t know, for Jesus had disappeared into the crowd.14 But afterward Jesus found him in the Temple and told him, “Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse may happen to you.”15 Then the man went and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who had healed him.
Pastor Steve gave one of the most poignant, tell it like it is sermons I have heard in a long time (probably 'cause that's how New Yorkers are, and boy do I LOVE it). ;) He said, there is a difference between being still, and doing nothing, and that a goal without a plan is just a wish. I was doing nothing, and wishing my life was different. Sure I was attempting to work out, and I was attempting to eat healthy, and I was attempting to half ass my faith, but compared to what God's plan is for my life, that, was nothing! He has SO MUCH more in store for me then a half assed life. Another part of the sermon that he touched on was how God's heart ACHES when He is separated from His children, and we can't let OUR purpose, separate us from where God is. I needed to hear that. God's heart ACHES when He's separated from me. Why did I believe that I wasn't dearly missed in His home? His heart was ACHING for my return. Ohhhh heeeeeey spiritual truth...talk about being hit upside the head with the Jesus 2x4. God already came to where I was when He saved me. It was time for this girl to make a choice to go where He was!
One of my favorite parts of Pastor Steve's message was his definition of grace and mercy. Grace is unmerited favor. It's us, getting His blessings, that honestly, we don't deserve. Mercy, is us not getting the punishment of what we justly deserve. It was time that I quit letting past failures cripple me from His mercy and grace. This is where John tied in. I realized that I needed to stop waiting for someone else to put me in the pool. We cannot associate God moving with us getting the blessings that we have asked for. Maybe it's US that is not moving. Jesus says "GET UP! WALK!" I loved that he said that there's no sin that we can commit that Jesus says "Well...actually I died for all your sins, but not THAT one!" He's not waiting for our repentance, he's waiting for us to pick up our mats, walk and turn from our sinful behaviors. OUCH. Ok, heard ya loud and clear God! :)
So what? Where does all that leave me today? With confidence, anticipation, desire, expectancy, faith, optimism, reliance, security, and trust. I have had roughly 2 weeks of clarity and peace that I haven't had in years. I feel zero desire to control my life, but a complete trust in whatever He has in store for me. I feel stronger every single day as cliche as that sounds, and I for the first time in ages don't feel in a hurry to meet MY goals. He is transforming my mind to love who I am today, and to enjoy the transformation that I know that He will be doing in me. I feel EXCITED to start training for my next half marathon, and feel at peace that food is not forever going to be a ball and chain for me. I feel like I am fixated on Him, and everything else will fall into place, whatever that may look like. I've felt like He's told me over and over, "Don't worry, you're gonna like what you see!" :) He's throwing LOADS of confirmation my way through open doors of opportunities I would have NEVER imagined and words of encouragement flowing endlessly. My struggle is far from over, and I know there are still hard days ahead, but I open to where ever He leads me. :) I am a happy girl and excited to be home.
"Out of our greatest failures comes our greatest obedience."
