I am Worth Loving

Songs That Are Speaking to Me Right Now

 

 

 

Enjoying My Company?

Today I stood in front of the mirror...just looking at the girl I saw. For the first time I saw someone I might not mind being. I think this girl is kinda pretty sometimes. She has been through a lot in life and at times lost herself to it. But...I'm not ashamed right now, the fear of hiding is lifting and only strength is being replaced where darkness had a hold. Looking at that girl in the mirror, I see someone who has value, lots to offer, is strong, loving, giving, caring, with a desire for truth and growth. I have less regret today and want to start seeing my mistakes as opportunities to have deeper, more genuine, more real connections. I have more appreciation today. Today is good...my heart is calm right now.

HOPEFUL!!!!! And stronger!!! :)

Had appointment #1 with my new counselor today! We're a good match I think. We'll see...I have reservations that she's young, but that's just silly!! I'm young and a Counselor. Doesn't make me a bad one. However, she's nice, non-judgemental, gives me grace, encourages self forgiveness and taking care of me, AND...she's a Twins fan, so hello, if nothing else we can talk baseball for an hour each week. I have my second appointment next Wed and am excited. I left with some reservations, but the more I thought of everything, I felt hopeful. Yay!! Something I haven't felt for a while. So I'm pumped. I feel stronger today, not such a mess. I'm excited to get back to a healthy me, so I can be better to the ones I love!! I feel like I could sleep tonight too, so hello...everything's coming up Brooke today! :P

Broken Record

I know I have said it a billion times, but I just can't say it enough.  I have awesome friends.  Honorable mention today?  Adam!  :)  What a great guy to have in my life!  I can talk to him about being an idiot and he's just like "Well that's neat...wanna go get some BWW's?"  He's completely unphased by my mistakes and sees my heart.  He has my best interest in mind and helps me see what's best for me.  He has zero judgement for me and helps point out the truth in my life when I am too blind to see it.  Every time I think that I have done the dumbest thing possible, he's like nope...been there...no biggie.  He's not annoyed that I like to talk every subject to death and will listen, give feedback and ASK if I want his opinion and then give good, solid, non-judgemental advice.  He's not mad when I push him away and just responds with "Thanks for coming back!"  Thanks for being a fantastic friend Adam!!!  I'm excited for our hot BWW date tonight!  ;)

I'll Take It!!! :)

So as everyone knows, I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.  Weight wise the last year hasn't been good to me.  In relation to my last post, I think that I was coping with my mental health by not taking care of my physical health...suuuuper healthy!  Well...imagine this.  You make a decision to start being real with where you are mentally and the physical starts to fall into place?  WHY DO I ALWAYS MAKE EVERYTHING SO DIFFICULT ON MYSELF?  I KNEW THIS!!!  I've been here before, but why not just try to do it my own way and see if the results may be different?  Augh...I'm so stupid.  Anyways... I've been doing everything possible for the last year to get back to where I want to be weight wise...always failing, always feeling out of control.  I start the process of getting real with myself and others...it starts melting off.  Go figure.  I'm sure the entire amount that I want to lose isn't going to all be this easy and I'm gonna have to fight my way back to where I want to be, but I know that if I keep fighting for me, it won't be so difficult.  So... for a girl who's done nothing but gain for the last year...a FIFTEEN pound loss in 1 month, I'll take it.  Happily!  I think that I can almost start to notice too!  :)

So what else do I want to get back to that I let go?  Well, obviously running.  Linds and I have a 1/2 marathon scheduled in November.  It's the Disney Wine and Dine, so that should be AWESOME!!!  I'm super pumped.  I also really want to get back to hot yoga.  That was something that was good for my running, good for my muscles and something that I really enjoyed.  I need to find a class this Wed or Thurs to go to.  I know they're everywhere, so I have no excuse.  Evnetually I'd also like to start getting to Lois' Fit Club.  I need to reconnect with Lois (my fitness coach)... she hasn't given up on me, I don't know why, but she hasn't and I need to bite the bullet and be accountable.

That should be easier now that I quit my scheduled shifts at the group home!  :)  It just got to the point where the stress was not worth the money.  I need to take time right now to focus on me and I was just letting that take up too much time.  I am staying there casually, meaning that I can pick up shifts (and have quite a few already picked up), but I no longer have my 24 hour shift 1x q 2 weeks anymore.  So...fill up my time!!  Hold me accountable, yell at me to come see you...I need the encouragement.

I also need to get back to going to church.  I feel so much shame for not going for almost 2 years.  I know that the last thing that will help get me back is shame, so I am trying to let that go, but I need to go, simply.  I have maintained Bible Study, ect., but that's not enough.  I had every intention of going Sunday, but sleep won.  I have been sleeping so horribly, not more then 3 hours a night lately, that when I realized Sun morning that I was sleeping so well, I kinda thought maybe that's where I needed to stay.  I have some reevaluating of my faith to do (save for another post), but that shouldn't keep me from going.  So...mom... can we reinstitute church dates?

Anyways... suppose that's all I have for now.

I Lost Myself There for a Moment

Was sitting inside the house at work… thinking, pretty unorganized thoughts, just letting my mind wander and I felt this tug, like something telling me “Go outside and sit. It’s beautiful.  You need it.  Enjoy the simplicity…it’s you and you’ve lost it.”  I looked outside, and somehow in this rather unimpressive Bloomington neighborhood, I just had this overwhelming sense that there was beauty all around me and I was missing it.  So...I grabbed my ½ a potato, diet chili, and my computer and went and sat on the front porch.  I had the urge to write (something that hasn't come over me in months).  No particular thoughts as like I said, my thoughts are everywhere, but I just felt like God wanted me to write, so here I am.  As I sat, I could feel the warmth of the sun on my face, the rays shining through the trees, and the birds chirping in the distance.  I can see cars driving on 90^th street and imagine they’re people laughing with their loved ones and feeling joy for the long holiday weekend.  I feel peace today.  Not overwhelming peace, or an absence of sadness,but I feel hope.  I feel like God is showing me that although life has not exactly played out like I thought it would, that it might not be bad, that there’s simple beauty and joy in sadness and growth in our struggles.

I feel like this past week that some of my rigid thinking has been broken.  That because I’m stubborn, God had to break me before I could experience grace, a realistic world view and forgiveness and understanding for myself.  My old world view wasn’t working for me anymore.  It was one of perfection and never being enough.  It was one of striving and not letting up, never being content on where I was.  Never allowing freedom because then what are you striving for?  It led me down dark places, ending in shame, distance from God and hiding because I wasn’t what I thought I should be.   Darkness had a good grip on me there, it was a cycle that fed into each other…”You’re not good enough, you’re a failure, so why try?”  I lost myself there for a moment.  There was fear of not knowing how to get back to my unrealistic expectations for myself, so I stayed stuck, not moving at all seemed like the safest option.  

Last night I had the most amazing conversation with my BFF and mi madre.  I shared my failures, my hurts, my fear and my unknowns with them. It felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. I’m scared of being hurt and hurting others.  These two women helped me start to let go of some of my unrealistic expectations, start the process of continual, daily acceptance of grace for myself and to take steps forward, even if I don’t know what the next step may bring.  I think that I have to think every possibility out in my head, analyze the outcomes and then choose the “right” option…there isn’t always a “right” choice and I just have to decide to move and enjoy the process.  I think that I thought that if I thought everything through well enough no one would ever hurt.  That’s ridiculous, I get that.  God never said that it would be free from hurt, or easy…only said that we wouldn’t go alone.  I’ve felt at times lately abandoned by God, not because He is bad but because I am not worth His time.  I was never abandoned by God, He was simply waiting for me to come to Him and He had an arsenal of incredible people who love me to catch me when I fell.  But I had to take the steps, He nor they were going to chase me, they respected me too much for that and it had to be on my terms. 

I’ve been in a dark place in my mind, but I’m ready to start walking.  Even if I’m scared, even if I don’t have for sures.  With the surrounding of the people that love me, I am going to be ok.  No matter what.  There’s a plan for this life, a beautiful purpose, even if it’s simple.  One day at a time…it’s pretty cliché, but it feels right, today.  Today I feel hope, it’s funny how letting go of control, makes you feel more in control. I felt like I was grasping for sand before…everything I wanted just slipping through my fingers.  Now, of course my goals are being placed in my lap as the timing is right, the more I let go.  Seems so simple, why do we have to make it so hard? 

Thank you God for loving me, even when you knew I’d make mistakes.  Thank you for sending me people that speak truth into my life as they know I will hear it and show me unconditional love.  I am blessed through my tears. 

Random side note…I had thought “I should turn some music on,”as I was sitting here.  I turned on some Milo Greene, which under any other circumstance would bring serenity to my heart, but I immediately felt anxious.  I felt God telling me “No, I just want your undivided attention,” and turned it off.  Incredible how He’s right freaking there if I’m just open to Him, and stop running my own show. 

He Will Carry Me

This song is on the radio EVERY time I get into my truck.  Coincidence?  Doubtful.