I Run, Push, Hide and Shut Off

Just a random thought, laying here in bed, about the people that are close to me, the people that I've allowed deep into my heart, and the people that have remained at my side and in my life the longest. What's common about those people?

Brooke is a complicated soul. I am, I know it and I'm actually ok with it. It makes me who I am. It makes my love deep and genuine. I am compassionate beyond belief for it and have an empathetic heart. It makes me fantastic at my job and allows me to speak truth and love into my patients lives, while them still feeling like its because I care.

However...it comes with some traits not everyone has always found endearing, which has caused not everyone who has come into my life, to stay, which is completely ok. I get scared. Really scared...actually just typing that made that huge lump in my throat that I get when I'm fighting back tears emerge. I get really scared of a lot of things that can happen in relationships because when I give my heart...I give my heart! I would bend over backwards for those that I've given my heart to, always put them as priority in my life and genuinely find joy in making them happy. However, this hurts like mother loving hell at times, so I get scared. I get scared of people leaving after I've given my heart and I get scared of them not wanting it, or not liking me. So...what do I do? I run, I push, I hide and I shut down.

While this is likely not the healthiest of all traits that I have...it's me and its not changing tomorrow. It's how I protect Brooke from some of the very real hurts I've experienced in my life from happening again. Am I saying I have absolutely no desire to work on these things, and they're here to stay? Not at all, I'm totally open to that, but for right now it's not at the top of my list. Especially in a time when I feel pretty vulnerable and in need of said tools.

But back to the point of the post...how do the people that have stayed cope with said endearing traits of mine and what makes em stay? They know I do these things and simply just don't care. They don't. They've truly accepted me for me and think that trait doesn't outweigh the positives that I bring to the relationship. I'm a lucky girl to have such smart people that get it in my life versus just simply looking at the surface and seeing me for a hard, cold bitch.

So when do I push? When I think that who I am at that time is ugly, when I'm scared you're not going to like what you see...I push, so I can get rid of you before you reject me. When I think I'm too messy or my hearts ugly and don't deserve the love that you're bringing. I push. I have some very specific people in my life who are well aware of this and simply just don't give a shit. They actually probably laugh when they see me doing it, cause they all have a way of pushing just hard enough to push through and get inside, but not too much where I slam the door in their face. I actually even have some people who I've slammed the door before because I was just too scared, and they just waited outside patiently. What a freaking blessing. I must be a decent person to go through that...for me. Wow.

I run. When I feel really icky and I know you're gonna push, I just run. I distance myself, so you can't see me and I don't have to feel guilty for pushing a well meaning person away. I haven't run in a while and don't feel like that's where I'm at now. However, when I have, again I had great people just sit and wait for me to return, with gentle reminders that they loved me and wanted me back. I am L-U-C-K-Y.

I shut down. I'll give my forgiveness away like they're salvation brochures on a street corner. Everyone can have forgiveness, Want one? Want 12, 17 for everyone! I had a good friend, Jared once tell me that I am the most forgiving person he knows and I stay in relationships long after I have every right to leave. However, there's some secret number, that's different for different people that when you've surpassed, a big iron door to my heart closes. It takes a lot, a lot, a lot for this to happen, but it does. Then...good luck. I'm still gonna have you in my life likely...cause I'm just that healthy. :P However there's a piece of me thats hidden from you now, and unless you go through hell and high water to prove otherwise, it's likely that way for some time. And that's up to you. Am I worth that trek through hell? I think so. If not...no biggie...we'll both move on. However...again, I've been blessed with people who have said "You're worth it." I've definitely had people who weren't interested in trying, and that's cool too, but oh the reward for those that stood strong. I have some incredibly deep relationships today because of it and gratitude for those people that's unmeasurable.

The song that reminded me of those people this week was God Gave Me You by Blake Shelton.

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

I'm eternally grateful for those in my life who are steadfast. Those who have told me "I will not abandon you," and didn't. Who stand by my side unconditionally, and watch as the storm blows through.