Rescued Heart

It's been a week since I last had overwhelming feelings of sadness. There's been high points and times of sadness, but nothing where it felt like my spirit was breaking. Nothing that this tough bia couldn't handle. ;) So today while I was driving, listening to some T Swift (an instant smile producer in my book), and tears started rolling down my cheeks, I instantly thought "Huh?"

Until I realized...these were different tears. Tears of hope and gratitude. Tears of realization that God is nothing short of completely amazing and confidence that He will use ALL things for good and seeing that play out in my life. It's incredible that it really is through our hardest times, that the best is to come as long as we rely on Him and be willing to do the HARD work it takes, being honest with ourselves about what's truly good for us, even if it hurts like hell. There's no shame or guilt in Him when we're honest with Him about our shortcomings and ask Him to change our hearts.

This is somewhat what the sermon was about Sunday at church. How our sin, which Tim defined as a self focused tendency to act, think and behave in ways apart from God, will not result in a rich life. And a rich life is NOT ABOUT US. It's not about stuff and things either. It's truly only acquired when we get outside ourselves. I'm far from that, but I can DEFINITELY feel that changing. I am ready for the word of God to change my heart and make me nothing but a blessing in the lives of others.

Some interesting things about our self focused tendencies...when you engage in that behavior...it's not just harmful to those around you...that behavior is first and foremost offensive to God. Puts things into perspective. You're hurting not only those you're in relationship with, yourself, but also God. Makes my desire to be who He created me to be more of an importance. I'm no longer willing to allow self focused tendencies to kill the love of those around me. The result of destroying everything that is important to me is too much for me to bear. The good news is that in relationship with Him, we're free from guilt and shame. He says "I am for you! I do not judge you. I don't wanna watch you break anymore, so please stop, but I love you. Deeply." I am ready to live by His power, not my efforts.

As I mentioned earlier...I can feel my heart changing and regaining pieces of me that I allowed to be covered up because I put others needs before my own. One of those things is something that makes up the very foundation of who Brooke is...healthy, loving, support of those in crisis. I felt God saying Sunday..."I gave you the desire to help those in crisis Brooke, that's who I created you to be. It is not bad when you use it in the right context." What's that supposed to mean? I know exactly what that means. I've been here before, I remember sitting in church right after Hurricane Katrina and God said to me, "You will go." I thought "Oh? I will?" Six trips later, and a gutting of my heart more then anything accomplished, He was right. Sunday He again said "You will go." Where am I going? New York...Hurricane Sandy relief. I learned last time that if God says you will go, it's best to just get on board and not hesitate cause it will happen. He's not so much one to let that stuff go. Therefore I'm gonna trust, go without reservation and eagerly anticipate what He'll have in store for me. It's never been anything other then breath taking. Hard as hell and taking insane amounts of trust and courage, yes. Worth every scary step.

As a woman I GREATLY admire recently said, I want God to "Spend me like change in His pocket." Seeing what her life is like makes me insanely scared to say that, but if it creates the beauty in me that I see in her, God I'm ready. I'm done running this show. It gets me nowhere. I am yours.