Other Side of the Table... Doesn't Feel so Hot!

Doctor's appointment = 3:40pm

See doctor = 4:38pm

Doctor diagnoses me with "depression" and recommends Zoloft = 4:42pm

Yup... no joke...4 mins with me for the very first time in my life and I have depression and need daily medications.  WTF?!

So I went to the doctor today.  I have been tossing the idea around in my head ever since I had my first panic attack in years (the first night that I was in Arizona, 02/11/12).  I thought "Why do I choose to deal with something on my own, fighting through tears, shaking, inability to breathe and negative thoughts when I know full well that I could temporarily, if it gets bad enough, use medication to help calm me down?"  However, I am a prideful person and thought "Eh...toughen up sister, deal with it."  But that seemed to be less and less logical with each weekly panic attack.  So...I finally made an appointment to go talk with a doctor.  My normal family doctor is always booked out weeks and weeks in advance because she works .25 hours a month, so I just said I could see anyone.  I am very knowledgeable regarding psych issues/medications and assumed between this doctor and myself we could come up with a quick solution.  I've never been on any psych meds (as there's never been a need).  

So, after sitting in the waiting room for almost an hour, I was called in and saw the doctor.  She had me take two different SUPER short inventories, ones I am very familiar with.  One a depression and the other an anxiety inventory.  Cool, expected that.  She then asked me what was going on.  I gave her a SUPER quick (no more then 2 mins), Cliff Note's version of why I was there and she turns to the computer.  I use this same computer system at work (as I work for the same company), so I am familiar with the program, and she starts typing away..."Depression," and proceeds to type in a prescription for Zoloft.  I was FLOORED.  Hold the phone!  I said "Ummm...I don't think that I am depressed (and I did not meet the criteria for such on her inventory) and I am not interested in taking medications on a daily basis."  She then looked at me and started going off about how that was her diagnosis and if I didn't agree with her she was going to get the clinic manager in here because it was "unethical" for her to change her diagnosis "just because you don't agree."  I said "I don't agree because you cannot diagnose me with depression after talking to me for 4 minutes."  She then deletes what she wrote and starts to write "I feel that this patient has depression and should be on Zoloft, but she is UNWILLING."  SERIOUSLY!?  Now I am uncooperative because you like to jump to conclusions?  I said "Ma'am, I am a therapist, I know mental health and I know medications.  I am not depressed.  I have a good life and am happy 75% of the time.  I have great coping skills and have a good support system, I just have momentary lapses where I let my silly mind get the best of me and have BRIEFLY been having panic attacks.  I do not need medications every day.  I need something no more then 1x a week (sometimes less) that will help me calm down when I am freaking out at night and cannot breathe."  She says "You are depressed, even the mood in here is depressed, we are not joking or laughing, things are depressed."  WTF?!  I could be the happiest girl in the world with no anxiety and I may not be laughing at the doctor's office, who laughs at the doctor's office?  You're not Dane Cook, you're a doctor...you aint funny.  

She finally gets off her wanting to prescribe me Zoloft kick and tells me she's going to give me a PRN (as needed) prescription for Vistaril.  Like I said, I know my medications...especially anti-anxiety ones 'cause all my patients chew em like candy.  I then, very politely (since the strong self-advocacy approach clearly set her off) ASKED her "Do you think that's better then something such as Klonopin or Xanax?"  She then went off again!  "You have a good job, if I start prescribing you benzodiazepines (which the two medications I asked about are) you are soon going to be taking pill after pill and your life is going to be ruined.  You'll end up losing your job, ect."  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?  Sorry for the language, but I was seriously offended at this point.  I have been going to this clinic all my adult life.  You have my records for 10+ years, I am an addiction specialist, and have NEVER in my life abused any medications.  I am not asking for those medications, I was just asking if she thought that was a better option over those medications, there was absolutely no reason you needed to all of a sudden predict my future as a homeless, unemployed drug addict!  

I was FURIOUS at this point and completely shut down.  I felt humiliated, unheard and with less resources/solutions then when I came into the clinic.  At least before I always had it in the back of my head "If this gets to be too much you can always go see a doctor."  You know it took A LOT of courage and swallowing my pride to walk in those doors... do you think you facilitated a positive experience for me?  One that I can look back on and say "You know, I was scared to do that, but did it and it turned out ok, I can face similar challenges!"  Not so much lady!  I just kind of said "UhuhBenedryl in hand.  

If I was not a proponent for people NOT going to medical doctors to address psych issues before, I am even more so now!  I wanted to be like "You are a family practice doctor, you treat scabies, pink eye and sore throats, wtf do you know about my 'depression?'"  But I was the one that chose to go there knowing full well most medical doctors aren't well trained in mental health.  I just thought that I knew myself (and mental health) well, and between her and I we could come up with a quick solution.  Boy was I wrong!  Gives me good perspective on dealing with my own patients and in life in general.  If someone trusts you with something they are struggling with, DO NOT ABUSE THAT TRUST!!!!!  Do not shame them, or throw that back in their face.  It took a lot for that person to get to where they are at, to tell someone that they were hurting, and if you are that person that they entrusted with that information, FOR FUCKS SAKE HANDLE IT WITH CARE!!!!  Again, sorry for the language, but that's me...if it's offensive, I'm sorry, that's not my intention, only to be genuine and give myself an outlet to be 100% me, unedited.

*sigh* So good times, that was my fun afternoon.  It's pretty sweet to go to the doctor for anxiety and to leave with a butt load of anxiety.  Doing ok though...talked with my mom about it and feeling fine other then a little residual irritation.  Thank God I'm pretty sure there will be no panic attacks tonight, you know since I'm armed with my medication for my allergy to anxiety.  Likely just gonna make another appointment with my regular family doctor for a week or so...pretty confident she'll handle things a bit differently.  

Den Beste Mammaen

Norwegian for: The Best Mom! I have her. I'm sorry to all others who thought they had a fantastic mom, but mine is amazing. I really don't know what I'd do without her. She's incredible. She has been my biggest supporter, my safe place, by unconditional helper, my no questions asked, no judgement here, complete and total amazing woman for at least the last 10 years of my life. She was incredible before that, but our relationship was your normal teenager/mother relationship at that time.

My mom is always the person who I can be 100% me with AND SHE STILL LIKES ME! ;) I can choose to be negative, I can choose to be rude and I can be quite nasty and she just loves me. She doesn't judge me for any of my choices, or not following her advice. She tells me how beautiful I am almost every single day. She loves the people that I love, even if she wouldn't otherwise. She gets raging mad at those that hurt me and doesn't judge that I forgive even when it's not good for me. I truly know that there is NO CHOICE that I could make in life where she would be mad or disappointed in me. She's my cheerleader and reminds me not to be mean to me. She pushes herself to meet my ridiculous standards and isn't offended when I'm a snappy bitch. She has compassion for my life and doesn't ask too many questions. I'm stupidly complex and want all the attention in the world and want everyone to leave me alone, all at the same time. She somehow walks that thin line with ease. She knows I need her loyalty in every situation and I've never questioned whether she had my back or not. She will and has fought for me, even when I'm not fighting for me. She thinks my crazy is cute and finds my brutal sarcasm with a mouth like a sailor completely unoffensive. She knows my heart and handles it as tenderly as it is, even though I preset it as tough and unshakable.

Just felt really strongly that I needed to put it out there...my mom has kept me afloat when I'd likely otherwise drown and for that...I'm eternally grateful. Thank you momma!! You're the best. Even if you don't know who Michael Cuddyer is. ;)

Week One of Weekly Accountability Posts

For me, sharing my goals and then following up with sharing my progress is motivation.  I send my weekly food/exercise journal to my wonderful soon to be sister-in-law, but figured I'd post it here as well.  Helps me when I am making decisions to know that I will have to answer to those later, to make better choices in the moment.  So here goes... week 1: 

March 19, 2012

Proteins: Veggie Omelet Muffin, Chicken, Hamburger

Vegetables: Veggie Omelet Muffin, Lettuce, Cucumber

Fruits: Apple, Orange

Starches: Deli Thin, Deli Thin, XXXXX

Fat: Balsamic Dressing

Protein-Snacks™: Oatmeal Bar, Crunch O's

Water: 10

Dairy: 6 oz Greek Yogurt

Omega: Yes

Notes / Off-Plan Foods: Two pieces of pizza

Exercise: 30 min run - 2.5 miles

---

March 20, 2012

Proteins: Chicken, Cottage Cheese

Vegetables: Lettuce, Peppers, Cabbage

Fruits: Apple, Pear, Apple

Starches: Deli Thin, Deli Thin, 1/4 C Quinoa

Fat: Oriental Sauce

Protein-Snacks™: Peanut Butter Crunch Bar, Chocolate Shake

Water: 10

Dairy:

Omega: Yes 

Notes / Off-Plan Foods:

Exercise: 80 mins P90x - Legs & Back

---

March 21, 2012

Proteins: Veggie Omelet Muffin, Chicken, Chicken

Vegetables: Veggie Omelet Muffin, Lettuce, Peppers

Fruits: Apple, Apple, Grapefruit

Starches: 1/2 Deli Thin, 1/2 Deli Thin, XXXXX

Fat:

Protein-Snacks™: Oatmeal Bar, Cheesy Zippers

Water: 10

Dairy: 6 oz Greek Yogurt

Omega: Yes

Notes / Off-Plan Foods: Fun size milky way, 10 tortilla chips, and 2 bites chocolate cake

Exercise:

---

March 22, 2012

Proteins: Veggie Omelet Muffin, Chicken, Cottage Cheese

Vegetables: Veggie Omelet Muffin, Lettuce, Broccoli

Fruits: Pineapple, Watermelon, Apple

Starches: Diet Bread, 1/4 C Quinoa, XXXXX

Fat: Light Butter

Protein-Snacks™: Peanut Butter Crunch Bar, Crunch O's

Water: 10

Dairy:

Omega: Yes

Notes / Off-Plan Foods: Fun size Milky Way, 10 tortilla chips, 5 French fries, and 3 pieces of chocolate

Exercise:

---

March 23, 2012

Proteins: Lean Turkey, Cottage Cheese

Vegetables: Lettuce, Tomato, Green beans

Fruits: Grapefruit, Grapefruit, Apple

Starches: Sweet Potato, 1/2 Deli Thin, 1/2 Deli Thin

Fat: Mayo

Protein-Snacks™: S'mores Bar, Cinnamon and Chocolate Crunch

Water: 8

Dairy: American Cheese

Omega: Yes

Notes / Off-Plan Foods: Handful of jelly beans, Cupcake, and Cream egg

Exercise: 30 min run - 2.5 miles

---

March 24, 2012

Proteins: Cottage Cheese, Egg, Steak

Vegetables: Green beans, Celery, Lettuce

Fruits: Apple, Orange

Starches: Diet Bread, XXXXX

Fat:

Protein-Snacks™:

Water: 7

Dairy:

Omega: Yes

Notes / Off-Plan Foods: 4 small chocolate eggs

Exercise: 40 min run - 3 miles

---

March 25, 2012

Proteins: Egg

Vegetables:

Fruits: Apple

Starches: 1/2 Deli Thin, 1/2 Deli Thin

Fat:

Protein-Snacks™: Crunch O's

Water: 4

Dairy:

Omega: Yes

Notes / Off-Plan Foods:

Exercise:

WEEKLY WEIGHT LOST:  2.6 lbs

So... how do I think I did?  Ok.  To answer some likely questions first...protein snacks?  I am incorporating some healthier options to common trigger foods for me.  So, salty and chocolate.  They are protein bars or alternatives to chips, ect.  They help me feel like I can have a little indulgence while still maintaining fairly healthy options.  So that's what that it.  So far, it's working out pretty well.  There's times when you see XXXX in my foods list and that's when I eat something off program, like a slice of pizza or whatever, and although I do not allow myself to substitute healthy options for unhealthy calories, I'm not going to indulge in addition to eating my regular options, therefore I'll cut out a serving of bread, ect.  Make sense?  I think that's it.  As far as evaluation of the week... had more off plan foods then I would like, but I kept tracking, and continued with program, which is something that I have struggled with in the past.  Sometimes I get upset with myself for not being perfect and then just say "Fuck it!" and eat whatever the hell I'd like.  There were times that I made conscious decisions to indulge here and there (as I need to practice doing this in a healthy way) and just went back to making smart decisions after.  New for me!  :)  I had a REALLY hard week emotionally last week and would have used that as an excuse to throw caution the the wind and again say "Fuck it!"  I didn't do that either, so that was a win in my book.  I am working REALLY hard to plan meals, bring healthy food with me where I go and make better choices in the moment.  Clearly Saturday and Sunday my tracking lacked, and although I wish I would have tracked, I got back on track Monday, which again... success in my book compared to old behaviors.  I think that in general I did well last week.  Of course I'd like to improve, but I'm working on being nicer to myself, so I am going to say last week was a success and this week will be even better.

Goals for this week = no more then 4 days that off off program food and exercise on at least 5 days! 

HAPPY MONDAY EVERYONE!!!  CHOOSING to have a better week!!  :)

The Resolution for Women - Surprisingly Satisfied

Today I (re)started reading the women's accompaniment to the movie Courageous. It's a movie about being the person God has made you to be and holding yourself to a high standard to the people around you. As I read though this book, I am going to use my blog to process what I am reading. That is not the only thing that I will blog about, but one of the many. If you're looking for a challenging book, to encourage you to be a better woman, I encourage you to join me. I am doing this with my small group of women, but would love to discuss it with others as well.

The first chapter is called Surprisingly Satisfied and is broken down into even smaller portions. The first, called Every Bite Counts. This section was about savoring the moment of our lives that we are in. I am majorly guilty of always looking forward to the next thing that's coming up in my life, and although not a negative thing, can cause me to lose sight of where I am at right now. If you think about it, this is the ONLY year you will get to be the age you are now. For me that is 30...I will never get to be 30 again...the only 30th year of my life I will ever know. If I am busy looking forward to x, y or z, soon I am going to look back and realize that I missed the only moments my life would ever be like this. EVEN IN THE STRUGGLES, we need to cherish our time there and find out what God wants to show is in those times, so we don't have to be there again, learning the same lessons. When we rush through life, we subtly devalue those around us and the experiences we're involved in. Having this what's next, or I can't wait to get through this mentality is called discontentment and it "robs you of the growth that comes from battling through the difficulties." So...

What are some of the good parts of your experience that you've missed in your attempt to rush through the more difficult ones? What can you do differently today to gather up all the good things around you and begin enjoying the journey of your life?

For me...some things that I most didn't realize the value of at the time, that I was busy looking forward to the next season of my life was in my teens. There were so many amazingly beautiful moments, with my friends, with the ability to be carefree, but what sticks out most is my siblings being young and us being together, all the time. I wish I would have savored their youth more and realized that I would so want that time back. Things that I can do today would just be to just be more cognizant of being in the moment in my relationships.

The second portion of Surprisingly Satisfied is called The Secret. The secret is the philosophy of happiness. Especially as women, we have been told that we need more to be happy. If you live in an apartment, you should own a house, if you have a house, it should be bigger, ect. With this mentality that we need more, it's inevitable that we won't appreciate where we are currently. Feeling incomplete, substandard, unhappy, unfulfilled. However, there are women who have not bought into this mentality and it's obvious when you meet them. They have peace, serenity, rest fullness, and a sense of ease. They have CHOSEN to be satisfied. They have chosen to trust Gods wisdom and to live their lives accordingly, like Philippians 4:11..."I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." A great example of this was Paul. He had a life that was filled with the worst conditions a person can imagine living, facing death and enduring torture. However he didn't take the role of a martyr, getting some sick satisfaction from knowing he had it worse then everyone else. No, he resolved to be content, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content - whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things though Him who strengthens me." - Phillipians 4:11-13. When we realize that we don't constantly need to have more or what others have, we're incredibly free. Who are we to say that our God can't be trusted to give us exactly what we need to fulfill His plan for our lives?

What might God be trying to grow in your character or cement in your relationship with Him by keeping you separated from some of the things you want but don't yet have?

For me...I think its discipline and reliance on Him to do things in life, rather then out of Brooke's own power is something that He's STILL working on in me. I always think that I have to just be strong enough to make the right decisions or accomplish the things my heart desires, instead of just asking for help. Silliness that I am and have been very aware of this for some time...yet here I am...still learning that lesson

Section three, Overflowing Blessing. Woo hoo!! Finally a section I fully understand and practice. Luke 6:39 - "Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full - pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back." I know that when we chose to give, He will always give back, even more then we had to begin with. He's not a God that's concerned with what's fair, or even what we deserve...if we give, His return is more then we deserve.

When you consider your level of willingness to give of yourself, does it reveal more contentment or discontentment residing in your heart? In what way?

I have a lot of faults, oh man do I ever, but this is actually not a struggle for me. I LOVE giving. WAY more then getting. I've never been one to hold back when time or money if asked of me because He has proven to me time and time again this provision to be true. I've given so little and His rewards have always been nothing short of amazing.

The final section of this chapter is called The Balancing Point. So what? Being satisfied, that just means giving up my desires? I'm supposed to never hope for more? Not! It's just requiring that our desires be appropriate and humble. Not the driver of our lives, forcing us to follow an ever changing list of "needs."

I am happy to be here, and when God determines the time, I will be happy to be there.

Damn You Over Sensitive Nucleus Accumbens!

*sigh*  


Here we are again... my good ole' friend anxiety is back with a vengeance.  Back story is that I used to struggle with anxiety really bad.  Right after college there were times that I would sit on the edge of my bed and cry and cry and cry and have not a clue why...  However, after doing some much needed work on myself emotionally and then making a commitment to take care of myself physically, I was able to kick that crap right in the butt.  Until 6-7 months ago... :(  It wasn't that bad and I was coping with it pretty well until about a little over a month ago.  It's a lot like dementia.  :P  As soon as it starts to get dark outside every night, it hits like clockwork...I have Sundowners!  Some nights are ok and I make it through, smooth sailing.  However, there's other nights where I lay in bed and it's tears and can't catch my breath.  The logical, rational thought is "what are you so worried about?"  But it's not that easy... there's not one issue that I can just sit down with a friend and we can talk it out and all is well.  As the title suggests... it could potentially be a neurochemistry thing.. "Research upon people who had been highly apprehensive, vigilant, and fearful finds that their nucleus accumbens is more sensitive than that in other people."  So there you have it... I have a busted ass Nucleua Accumbens.  Hate it when that happens.  :P  


So...WTF do I do now?  I TRYING to make more time for myself.  I KNOW that running, working out, eating right and not burning the candle at both ends would help, but it's easier said then done.  I'm trying REALLY hard.  I fight and claw and scratch every single day to make the right choices.  Some days are great and some days I fall down the hill, head over heels, feet in the air.  Lately it's been a lot of falling.  Lots of nights of panic attack after panic attack, heck today it was crying at work, crying while getting a pedicure... I'm clearly freaking awesome and coping well.  :P  


But I'm strong... I am ALWAYS going to get back up and try again.  I'm not quitting and I'm NOT looking for sympathy.  If I get a bunch of "I'm so sorry... keep your chin up...blah blah blah..." I'll shut down faster then anything.  I just need to type it out FOR ME, process through things and if I'm lucky get some good advice on how others have coped in similar situations.  Because I don't even kind of think that this is not something that damn near everyone I know deals with.  We all struggle with major issues in life.  I know that billions of people have it way worse then me.  I have NEVER claimed to have a crappy life.  I'm just struggling right now and trying new ways to not do so anymore.  If it works, great.  If not, on to the next tactic.  I have an awesome God who I know will see me through.  Just could use some grace from those around me right now, to know that I'm struggling (and have been for some time) and ask that you just be gentle.  If not, cool too...everyone has their own life to deal with and shouldn't be required to give me any kind of special treatment, I know that.  


Speaking of taking care of me...I have to be up at 0600...suppose I should get to bed.  Tomorrow's a new day... <3


Quote of the Day:  "I don’t just wear my heart on my sleeve, the blood drips down my wrist and off of my fingertips." - Couldn't be more accurate of who I am...I bleed deep when I hurt and I hide it poorly.