I've been off depression medications for about a month and that decision feels good and right, however anxiety is another story I'm continually learning about and figuring out my best plans of attack. Right now it's extremely situational...although I LOVE my girls, I desperately want to be home with my family!!! While my brain understands that at 5:20am I will be, my heart still feels like that's four lifetimes away. Figuring out how life is supposed to look and carrying on when someone you love very much and has been a part of your life for as long as you can remember has been given a time frame for life...turns out to be a confusing emotional effing roller coaster!!!
I thought and prayed about leaving for a long time and thought it was ok and right, but right now I just want to hear the comfort of Lynn's O2 machine humming along and the oddly reassuring chaos of my family around me. And I don't think how I feel right now is necessarily even about being in Vegas versus Lakeville right now...I THINK it's just a hot mess of my emotions that when I'm at home, in the moment, able to placate. Take me out of that where it's just me, my emotions, and my thoughts and it's turning out to feel insanely raw. My first "vacation" where tears quietly fell down my cheeks as I drifted in and out of sleep last night and fall like huge raindrops this morning.
Cancer is horrific. It changes everything, and feels brutally unfair. Life is not even sorta fair, but it still feels maddening. Anger washes over me sometimes at levels I've never experienced before. I'm not an angry girl. Actually...yelling and the expression of anger frightens me to my core. It shakes my soul and makes me scared of everything around me. However, cancer brings it out of me. The unfairness of it digs out deep anger where I find myself doing things out of the expression of anger I had never understood when others did in the past. Punching my steering wheel, begging God "WHY?" Throwing my phone against the passenger side window in my car, cause potentially shattering a window and my phone could somehow make the news on the screen be different. It's still unfair no matter how you dress it up in positivity. I want my Dad and Lynn to be grandparents, together...for a really long time. I want Kelli to know what it feels like to have a momma at her wedding, and know that there's not a soul in the room more proud of you and happy in that moment than her. I want my dad to know what it's like to "grow old" with someone, and I want Lynn to be able to see her boys as men someday. I feel guilt knowing I've had moments with her that her own kids may never have. Guilt, lined with memories that I'd not give up for a million dollars.
So while it feels like I'm going on hour 13 of one hell of an anxiety attack...I fear this is just normal emotion of knowing your days with your loved one are numbered and as much as you can manipulate, control and change most things in your life...this is not one of those things. And if I hear "we're all dying," and "everyone's days are numbered," one more time, you might be the unfortunate one where my "screw yourself," just might take that jump from my mind to my lips. Although that's rationally true, nothing about this process feels rational, and suppressing the irrationality and putting on a frosting of "it'll be ok in the end," when you're just not feeling it in the moment doesn't seem beneficial. Today...cancer effing sucks, and anxiety is a bitch.
