I Won't Let Anyone Hurt You!



After a really hard, emotional day yesterday, I lay in bed last night, processing everything, trying to figure out what it was that I gained from my struggle and what growth I could take away from the day.  Even though yesterday was a day that I don't particularly want to relive, I cannot cannot cannot express how amazing it feels to be able to navigate my way through it and still feel peace and hope at the end of the day.  In the past, a hard day would set me back, making me just feel crummy and depressed, for days.  Yesterday I was able to have my hard moment (crying in the parking lot of Walmart, cause I'm awesome), then take some time to reflect, take some time to take care of myself with a nap, and wake up with new perspective and be able to still feel hopeful.  I was driving to the HEART (Hosanna! Emergency Action Response Team) meeting, and it was gorgeous out.  The sun was shinning, and I had the windows down, blaring music, my new fave sunglasses, feeling the warmth in a tank...I just felt at peace and hope full.  I felt like God was saying "Baby girl...it's all good.  I got you!"  It sounds silly but I was proud of myself, that I was able to feel sad, but I got through it and was still able to enjoy something simple like sunshine at the end of the day. 

I haven't talked about HEART too much, because things haven't been real firm for a bit, but things are coming together, and I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED.  One time I heard a saying a long time ago, somewhere at Hosanna that said to "Find what breaks your heart, and feed it."  Meaning if you find what just shatters your heart, that's where you will be most effective in giving of your time/talents.  As all know, natural disaster response/recovery has been my PASSION since my first Hurricane Katrina trip in 2006.  I remember watching every detail on TV and knew in the deepest part of my soul that I needed to be involved in the lives of the people there.  5+ trips to New Orleans later, that city won my heart and changed my life.  Since then I have led trips to Houston after Hurricane Ike, Cedar Rapids, IA after the flooding there, helping in Rushford, MN and Owatonna, MN after their flooding, and now Stanten Island, NY after Hurricane Sandy.  This is EXACTLY what they meant by finding what breaks your heart.  When I am doing this work, I feel like I am doing what I was made for.  Sounds cheesy, over the top, whatever, but that's truly how I feel. 

Anyways, John the man behind the HEART ministry at Hosanna asked me to join HEART as an Incident Coordinator when we were in NY!!!!  :)  I have mentioned in a couple blogs that God is opening up some incredible doors of opportunity for me, and this is one of the major ones that I was referring to! :) :) :) :)  As Incident Coordinator, we work with the teams to coordinate deployment to various natural disaster sites.  I couldn't be more excited or feel like I am exactly where He wants me to be.  We have had a couple meetings so far since I joined the team (one being a meeting to start planning a response to OK), but had our leadership meeting last night.  It's funny how God knows exactly what we need, when.  He was working on preparing my heart on the way there, but solidified everything with that meeting.  Just reminding me what HIS plan is for me and to trust HIM because it's bigger and better then what I have settled for my life being on my own.  I have no doubt in my mind that God is using HEART to refocus my heart and mind. 

Last night while I was laying in bed, I read a day ahead in my Jesus Calling devotional, and hot damn, it spoke to exactly how I was feeling about my day: 

I HAVE LOVED YOU with an everlasting love.  Before time began, I knew you.  For years you swam around in a sea of meaninglessness, searching for Love, hoping for hope. All that time I was pursuing you, aching to embrace you in My compassionate arms. 

When time was right, I revealed myself to you.  I lifted you out of that sea of despair and set you down on a firm foundation.  Sometimes you felt naked – exposed to the revealing Light of My Presence.  I wrapped an ermine robe around you: My robe of righteousness.  I sang you a Love song, whose beginning and end are veiled in eternity.  I infused meaning into your mind and harmony into your heart.  Join Me in singing my song.  Together we will draw others out of darkness into My marvelous Light.

Holy Moses, did that speak to me exactly where I was yesterday.  For years, I did walk in darkness, and I knew with all my heart he was pursuing me the whole time, and only when the time was right, did He lift me up and give me a firm foundation, and because of that, I feel like it's not only my duty, but I cannot wait to help others out of darkness! 

I like the kids version, because often times I feel like God uses His most gentle kid gloves to speak to me:

I have always loved you – always.  Before the beginning of time, I knew you and I loved you.  In your mother’s tummy, I knew you and loved you.  From the moment you were born, I knew you and loved you.  And I have been right here with you every moment since then, knowing everything about you and loving you – mistakes and all. 

I will never leave you or stop loving you.  You are My chosen one – wearing clothes of salvation and wrapped up in My Love.  I will sing to you, and I will teach you how to sing with Me.  And together we will tell others about My Love, which never ends.

Always when I feel like God is speaking to me, it's just like how my mom talks to me.  Gentle and unconditionally loving.  As of late, I know that he is trying to tell me "Baby girl, you're with me now.  I'm not going to let anyone hurt you!"  I have had literally now 5 people (who have not spoke to each other) in 2 days say to me:

• "You know you're a real sweetheart under your tough exterior."
• "You're so tender when you're not trying to come off as a bitch."
• "You're more soft like your mom then you'd like to admit.  You come off as hard, but you're actually very soft hearted."
• "You're not a bitch as much as you'd like people to think you are."

Hmmm...ok, what are you trying to tell me God?  Coincidentally they were all guys except one (who I typically have a harder time trusting, and a greater sense of needing to protect myself from).  I feel like I'm being told that He made me sensitive...like SUPER sensitive, and that's ok.  And while I likely will always carry myself with a "Don't screw with me" attitude...maybe, just maybe, sometimes it's ok to be soft again. 

Mom said something last night that really hit me.  She said "You give so much of yourself away, it's hard to gather it all back."  *sigh*  So very true mom.  However, I think I (with the help of God) am on my way to picking up the pieces and making something pretty awesome out of them.  <3

What if I Take it All?



Forgive me if this post is all over, it's sorta been writing itself in my head, different paragraphs here and there for over a week, and I haven't written any of it down, so it's all likely going to come up like a jumbled mess of word salad.  Such is life.  Anyways...

The other day at the Joyful Noise music festival that I went to, the singer of 10th Ave North said something that struck me as along the exact same lines as said blog that has been whirling around in my head and recent conversations, er, stubborn arguments with God as of late.  Mike (the lead singer) said "Don't make good things the ultimate thing...because, you will lose sight of the fact that if you lose those things, you will still be ok."  This stung pretty deep because I have been sorting through the last 2.5 years of my life recently and trying to find purpose in this beautiful mess I have found myself in, and have been feeling (even before this concert) like I had fallen trap to putting stuff and things and people before my relationship with God.  I was starting to look back on my life over the last 2.5 years and started to wonder if He was just going to slowly take everything that I had placed all this importance on, away from me, until I put Him in the right priority in my life.  As a side note, for any non-Christians out there reading my blog, please don't think "What a shittastic God she believes in to do something like that!"  In the end... it's what I needed, and I truly believe will put me in a mind set that will make me happier then I ever would have been, had I got to keep everything that was so damn important to me. 

But everything...everything that I thought that I "needed" to be happy, is gone.  First it was my "dream career" as a police officer.  Hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, but the best, worst thing that I've done.  I know with all my heart that department was not right for me, and I would not have been happy there.  Because of the tornado that went whipping through my life after leaving there, I have yet to return to law enforcement (my head and heart aren't there yet).  That's for another post, that again has already started writing itself as well, but I am at peace with where I am at right now in my career.  Then, it was my marriage, and then my house, and then relationships, and then another move, and more relationships, oh another move, then my faith, then my goals, then my friendships, then my drive, the death of my grandma, then my sanity oh and another relationship.  Until I felt like I was standing naked and alone, wondering "HOW THE FLYING FUCK DID I GET HERE?"

That was until I realized that at this point I had no where to go but up, and the ability to turn to some angels standing around me, who have never left my side, despite me pushing them away day in and day out, who were just patiently waiting for me to come to my senses and were happy to help me take steps in the right direction only when I was ready.  *Yup, there's the tears starting now.*  It took circumstances to fall into places where it was clear that I had absolutely no control anymore, for me to let go and and do somethings I swore I'd never do, but I knew were for my best interest.  It's funny how sometimes the things that we want most in life, are the very things that we need to let go of in order to be truly happy.  Things that we thought that if we lost, we'd never be happy again.  Oh the hurt. 

But, as my favorite 10th Ave North song goes...this is where the healing begins...all those walls I built up, were just glass on the outside.  I was ready to stop trying to save myself because I was worse off then I thought, and it was time to remember the fact that I was so deeply loved that someone died for me.  It's been 27 days since I started on anti-depressants, another one of those hardest decisions of my life I've had to swallow my pride over, but I regret not an ounce of it.  6+ months since I decided that He was in complete control of my life and I was done trying to run the show.  The results?  Again, oh the hurt, but oh the growth, and instances of pure joy that I haven't experienced in a long time.  Feelings of peace and hope, new friends, opportunities I would have never dreamed of and a rebuilding of a life that looks like it could turn out better then the one I was busy building myself. 

As I mentioned a blog or two back, I'm finding peace in forgiveness.  I always knew that hurting people, hurt people, but more so now learning that forgiven people, forgive people.  The realization that grace/mercy is not forgiveness when the other other person is ready to be sorry or apologize has been setting me free of anger and bitterness, but I still have a long way to go on that one.  I remind myself daily that looking down on someone else has no place in the kingdom of grace and feel like God's been asking me to give up my right to hold a grudge.

Mike from 10th Ave North also talked about how Good Friday was actually the worst Friday due to the obvious Jesus being killed and all that jazz, but that Easter was soon to come.  He said "Are you in the middle of your worst Friday?  Hold on, because the Easter sun is about to rise in your life!"  That's where I feel like I am at in my life right now.  The worst Friday may have happened, but I can see the Easter sun rising, and it's the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen.  It's funny how He takes our mess and weaves it into something more beautiful then we could have ever imagined.

I'm thankful for God's unanswered prayers and contradicting my pleads to give me what I wanted.  If you believe in a God that doesn't contradict you, you might want to re-evaluate things...my guess is you believe in yourself more then you believe in God.  I only know, cause I've been there.  1 John 3:18 talks about how all this Christianity stuff must not just be talk though.  It also must be in our actions.  If all we do is talk about God's love and not demonstrate God's love, then we've completely missed the boat.  If there's no response from the blessings that He is continually pouring into our lives, then you didn't understand His word.  And it's not out of duty that I feel those things need to be done, but out of my heart's desire to want to love others.  If we're doing this Christian walk thing correctly, it's like we should be walking around asking God "Lord, please just give me someone to love!"  I've always had this huge heart for the hurting in crisis, and because I've been more open to where He wants to use me and my life is more in line with Him, He's using me in the most awesome ways that I couldn't be more excited about.

Again, I'm not saying these things because I am a know it all, and have all the answers.  I'm saying it from the heart of just one lost beggar, telling another beggar where to find food.  I needed a miracle, and He showed up. 



My Sisters are my Witnesses, Seeing me at My Worst and Best, and Lovingme Anyway

I seriously adore my sisters. Driving home from dropping Kelli Girl off at home tonight, I was just thinking about what amazing little girls they are. They'll always be little girls to me, even if they are 15 and 16 respectively.  They're probably close to thee most important things in life to me. I mean I love all my siblings like crazy, but those two girls hold quite the special place in my heart.

They teach me so much about love, laughter and gratitude on a daily basis.  It amazes me that the three of us can hang out and completely get each other on a level that only sisters can, and the two of them have nothing in common except for me, and that's enough to form an unbreakable bond. Two girls, who have neither a father or mother in common, brought together by a "broken family," to form my most treasured relationships.  They blow me away, the way that two teenage girls can look past the fact that "My father was married to your mother, before either of us were a thought," and just be loving, sweet, silly girls, who form a union in my world that is priceless. 

Beyond their ability to look past family "dysfunction," more then most adults I know, is their ability to be silly and make me constantly laugh. I'd say I have a somewhat rare personality/sense of humor...one that's very innocently bold and particularly inappropriate most of the time, and those two are my perfect match. As we sat in my room tonight, sharing stories of us being virgin sluts and laughing ridiculously...I thought "Only my girls...how I wouldn't change them for the world."  I love that they're both fierce, strong willed, determined, beautiful young women, who care very little about who the world would like them to be and very much about being true to themselves.

As I stood in the parking lot tonight after we got done laughing our way through bootcamp (only getting the "shut up girls" stare from our trainer umpteen times), they jumped into my truck. I wish I could freeze frame the picture I saw as I walked  to my truck and somehow connect how my heart felt. After bonding over inside jokes and making fun of each other, my heart was already full, but to see them laughing, just the two of them, ganging up to pick on me, in a way they could not have possibly learned from me, knowing I had an entire night ahead of me to revel in their love, my heart overflowed.  

Forest Lou and Kelli Girl, I hope you know how deeply loved you are. Beyond words and beyond measure, you two are my everything. Your beauty is astounding and you teach me about what's truly important in life. Thank you for being thee most amazing little girls a big sister could ask for.

Really?!? 490 Times I'm Supposed to Forgive?

The sermon on Sunday was about the Lord's Prayer, talking about how it is a pattern for prayer.  Which I have heard before, and seen laid out, so that was nothing new.  However, there were some key points to the sermon that stood out to me, and an ending that hit home and sat in my stomach about as comfortably as rotten milk, and it's been churning in my stomach ever since.  The sermon was laid out in the fashion that the Lord's Prayer is a pattern for prayer in the sense that we need to: 

1.  Recognize God for who He is.  That our God is both "large and in charge," and intimately interested in our lives at the same time.  That He is our father, both challenging and comforting, and that we need to surrender and go from MY will be done, to THY will be done, and until we are there, there's really no point in going on in our Christian walk, because it's not about MY kingdom and MY will.  Those are actually pretty strong words, but like I talked about last time, it's truth.  Which leads into number two...

2.  Surrender your will.  As I have found out the hard way in my life (you know the way that I do EVERYTHING in life), that presenting our plan to God isn't how He works, and really just causes a lot of pain.  So...really, what's the point, unless you're at that point, since it's not about convincing God of our will, but more about conforming to His.  I think most people think that they'd prefer a God that's at their beck and call, but like Pastor Ryan talked about, would you really want a God that small?  I don't want a God that can only think within the confines of my small mind, that's for dang sure! 

3.  Trust Him with provision, pardon and protection.  Meaning that we will trust that He will give us exactly what we need for each day, and we need to give thanks for that, even if we don't think it's enough.  Note previous mention of it not being about OUR will.  ;)  We need to go forward, trusting that we have been forgiven with confidence, and that He will protect us from temptation. 

All good stuff.  However, nothing Earth shattering I thought at the time...until I just couldn't get something out of my head later in the week that Pastor Ryan said... "Getting forgiveness and giving forgiveness are inseparable."  Huh... God sorta takes that giving forgiveness stuff seriously apparently.  And yeah, I agree... yup it's important, and I am pretty good at giving superficial forgiveness out like candy, but I am starting to think that He wants more then that from me.  Not for the other people that I need to forgive, because I know that it's not for them that He wants it for, but rather for me...for my peace, my healing and my joy, because unforgiveness, unfortunately pulses through our veins like poison to our soul and only hurts us!  

That kind of deep forgiveness, of letting go of deep pain that has been caused by a few people in my life is REALLY hard for me.  Especially when there's times that you're still hurt/mad, and ESPECIALLY when those that I need to forgive...are not sorry, and if allowed back in my life, would continue the same behavior.  I'M SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE THAT?!  I guess so.  Shoot, this is going to take some work, and beyond what I'm capable of within my own power.  However, after some prayer this morning and kinda thinking about things for a while, it seemed more clear, that it would be easier, if I remembered what forgiveness actually isn't. 

Forgiveness is not forgetting, or pretending that it didn't happen.  It did happen, and I need to retain that it did, to grow from the lesson that it taught me.  However, I need to somehow do that, without holding onto the pain.  Forgiveness is also not excusing behavior.  We excuse people who are not to blame.  We forgive because a wrong was committed.  Forgiveness is also not giving permission to continue to hurt me, nor is it condoning the behavior in the past or for the future.  Last, forgiveness isn't reconciliation.  We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving, or whether we need to maintain our distance. 

I think that once I put forgiveness into a more realistic box like that, then it's easier for me to say "Ok, yup God I am ok with this forgiveness thing...again it's more then I am capable of truly doing on a deep level to let go of the hurt/anger surrounding the issue, but if you want to free me from that, then I am ready to let go of it."  For me personally, reconciliation is not an option at this point in my life because that's not healthy for me, but forgiveness, I'm definitely ready for.  I don't like carrying around hate, anger, resentment, hurt and sadness all the time.  I am ready for freedom, joy, peace and a rich life, full of love!  I'm also ready to forgive myself for allowing that in my life.

I really like both of these songs about exactly that: 

Integrity, Truthfulness and Straightforwardness...Honesty

My blogging is always #1, for me to process impactful things for me.  Which means reflecting on sermons that spoke to me greatly.  The sermon at Hosanna! was given by Pastor Shea last week and was nothing short of amazing.  Really, service in general was awesome!  I think I ran into every single one of my super sweet peeps from my NY trip...except for Rod.  So it was great to see everyone, cause even though it had only been two days, I already missed you freaks!  ;)  But yeah...the sermon.  We're doing a sermon series on prayer and to be honest it hasn't been insanely impactful so far (probably more to do with where I've been in the past, vs the content of the sermon).  However, last week was fan-freaking-tastic.  I LOVE sermons that make you feel a little uncomfortable in conviction, I am always open for improvement and love the challenge. 

 

Anyways, Shea talked about how prayer is "A conversation that never ends."  Just like our relationships in life, without communication, the relationship will die.  I know that this is true for me in my relationship with God.  The times that I have fallen the farthest or felt like He wasn't there for me, in all reality, it was me who wasn't reaching out in communication.  Communication in my relationships is the number one important thing to me in life.  If you haven't noticed I sort of like to talk and don't much care for superficial conversation.  There's not a more meaningful gift that someone I love can give me then their undivided attention to just talk/listen.  I think that God feels the same way about us when we set aside time to talk/listen! 

 

Now for the uncomfortable part.  Shea talked about Luke 18:9-14, which is the story of the Pharisee vs the tax collector.

 

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

⁹ To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: ¹⁰ “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. ¹¹ The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. ¹² I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
¹³ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
¹⁴ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

I have read this before, but it wasn't until Shea rephrased the "pharisee vs the tax collector" piece of things.  He stated that in that day in age, that would have been the equivalency of the pope and a pimp going to God, the pope being the one who stated "thank God I'm not like..." and the pimp being the one who was humble and exclaimed "I am a sinner!"  Prayer is honesty.  We need to get rid of our pretty Christian masks and show people who we really are, and what's really going on, on the inside, because every single one of us are missing the mark.  Why do we try to pretend that all is good anyways?  God is smarter then that!  I liked that Shea said "You can't show off to God with your good behavior."  He knows us better then that!  He sees right through that superficial crap. 

In order to be healed, we have to be honest about our true identity.  We have to humble ourselves, because it's not about good behavior on the outside.  It's about becoming honest about who we really are.  Why would you want "whitewashed tombs with rotting mans bones inside?"  When we're honest, God continually washes us clean, as if it never happened. 

Being more concerned that you look like a good fancy Christian on the outside comes from not being convinced of the Father's love.  Just like when we're not convinced that we have the love/acceptance of our Earthly parents, we're driven to preform to gain acceptance.  God's not impressed by our performance, he knows our hearts.  If we cracked open your heart, what would we find?  Until we're honest, God can't do much with us, however when we're honest, God says "Absolutely!"

For this girl honesty hasn't always been easy.  I am a people pleaser and I'd rather sacrifice my true feelings and have things be "all good," then be up front and honest about how I really feel.  However, I've been working on that, and think that I've been given more opportunities to practice being honest, even when the honesty might not feel so hot.  I just HATE hurting people, just kills me, so sacrificing myself seems like the more logical option...until I've sacrificed myself so much that I've lost myself.  I also have a hard time hearing honesty in the form of criticism.  Because of my lack of confidence in myself at times, even when the message isn't "You're all bad," that's what I hear.  Again, something that I am working on.  :) 

Anyways...prayer.  It's honesty that gets God's attention.  Have a beautiful Saturday my loves!