I have started a new book that I am excited about. It's called Made to Crave. It's about fulfilling yourself with God and His promises rather then food. I think using food as a coping skill is something that A LOT of women struggle with. I have for as long as I can remember. When I think about when I feel like eating became unhealthy for me was around 14. I think that's because that's when I had my own money (as I had a job) and could buy food myself. I remember buying food and eating after work (usually in the late night). Which I think has continued into my adult life. I struggle with eating as a coping tool at all times, but I think late at night even more so. Probably as that's the time that I deal with anxiety as well, so it's only natural that's when I'd need to cope with it. I also use it to escape I think... just veg out, relax and not give a shit about what I am putting into my body. I don't feel like it gives me much comfort, but it must, since the times when I have most struggled with overeating in my life, coincides with the times that I have had things going on in my life that were difficult emotionally.
I am fully capable of eating healthy and losing weight, I've proven that. However, I don't think that it's going to do me any good to make wise food decisions and work out if I do not address the reasons I am using food to cope in the first place. Which I think that this book will help me with. I read something recently that said "If you don't realize your worth, you'll throw yourself at anything, trying to fulfill something that God's already given you." How stinking true. I know that I am valuable. I know I am a good person. I have a lot to offer people, I love so intensely and really care about those I love. I am loyal, smart, funny, just the right amount of bitchy and a good friend. I just don't always feel that way about myself. I know it logically and sometimes feel it, but I also forget it sometimes, and allow myself unhealthy behaviors to try to find value or escape feelings I'm not excited to face. So... time to start looking into that. I've also started talking with my counselor about it, so go me...facing issues, and taking care of business. Done being stuck. I'm awesome and wanna look and feel it. ;)
Introduction: Finding Your "Want To"
The parts that stuck out to me in this section was when the author talked about no longer wanting to spend a lifetime in this cycle of making excuses, giving in, feeling guilty, resolving to do better, mentally beating myself up for not sticking to my resolve, and feeling like a failure. I want a WAY more fulfilling life then that for myself. She talks about turning our craving to God rather then filling our emptiness with food, and not in some weird like "Pray your craving away and sing 'Jesus Loves Me' instead of eating" kinda way. But if I'm honest with myself, do I think about food more often then the time I spend on my relationship with Christ, yup. Hello, red flag.
I like this book because it talks about how getting healthy isn't just about losing weight. It's about recalibrating our souls so that we are healthy spiritually, physically and mentally. Now that is my ultimate goal. For me, vanity is a good motivator for a bit, but it only lasts so long and when I'm really feeling down, it doesn't sustain me. I need my desire to be healthy to be deeper then just physical vanity, but rather out of spiritual health. If I look back over the course of my life, my weight has been a direct reflection of my choices and the state of my mental health. Harsh reality. But a good compass to put me on the right track. I'm tired of settling and compromising. I was made for way more then that. I am made for more then a vicious cycle of eating, gaining, and stressing. I was made to rise up, do battle with my issues and defeat them, spiritually, physically and mentally. I know that if my feet are on solid ground, I will eventually look back and be amazed that I ever desired to satisfy my taste buds over my desire to break free from all the guilt, destruction and defeat.
Chapter One: What's Really Going On Here?
I have been told this by multiple people and have experienced it myself. We crave what we eat. However, for me, simply telling me to eat healthier foods that will keep me full for longer doesn't even kind of start to address the heart of the matter. I actually don't think that it does for many people, at least not for people that use food as a coping skill. If it did, then gastric bypass wouldn't have something like a 30% failure rate, because the surgery does provide you with that "full" feeling, however that's not the only solution. I do not overeat at times because I don't feel full.
I know that my issues with food lure me away from God. When I'm struggling with food, I don't feel good about myself and when I am feeling shameful, why on Earth would I naturally turn towards God? I believe that Satan chooses tactics intentionally. He knows where we are weak and unless we are conscious of our weaknesses and fight against them, He'll succeed. Just like Eve craved what she thought about, we consume what we think about, and what we think about will consume us if we're not careful. For me, this is so true. My friend Adam and I were just talking about this the other night. As I have mentioned a 100 times, I struggle at night, and sometimes I feel like I am two different people during the day and at night. During the day I am confident I am ok, everything's going to be fine, I am strong, ect. However, at times during the night I can just be consumed with such negative thoughts. My friend Adam is smart, very smart ;) and he said "An idle mind is the devil's play ground." So true! I need to be focused on Him, on positive things in my life and the things that I am rocking at (cause there's plenty) :P and the rest will fall into place.
The last part of the first chapter talked more about when making healthy choices does get frustrating and we are feeling weak that it is an opportunity to get more focused on God and ask for His strength. What we're craving will always depend on what we're consuming. If we're consuming His promises, that will be our craving to fill emptiness, rather then chocolate chip cookies. I also liked that she mentioned a Bible verse that says "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." I LOVE this as a verse to remind myself when I am making choices about how to nourish my body. I am the kind of person that when you tell me I can't I want to even more. So reminding myself that sure I could... but then asking myself if it's actually beneficial is helpful for me. There will be times where I make the decision that indeed that choice is beneficial for me, and other times where I decide that for right now, it's not.
Personal Reflection:
1. One weight loss company personifies craving as a little orange monster that chases us around, tempting us to eat unhealthy foods. Take a moment to reflect on your own experience of craving, recently and over time. If you could personify craving based on your experience of it, what form might it take? Would it be like the little orange monster or would it take a different shape? Describe what your craving looks like and how it behaves. If you could sit down and have a conversation with this imaginary craving, what do you think it might say to you? What questions would you want to ask it? How do you imagine it might respond.
The form that my cravings take are of comfort and escape. When I think about the times when I choose to overeat, it's about being either alone, or with someone I don't feel shameful about my choices with. It's about letting go of everything, cares, concerns, stresses, and escaping. I'm not describing the shape or how it "behaves"... that sounds silly. :P God I am such a horrible, non cooperative person. hehe. However, I know that if I were to have a conversation with it, it'd tell me that I am easy. So many things trigger that craving and subsequent indulgence and I give in nearly 100% of the time right now in my life. I feel that starting to change, and has off and on lately, but more often then not, I take the opportunity to give in.
3. Yeah, I skipped question 2...whatever. I wasn't a fan. LOL, that's for you mom. ;) On to question 3...If it's true that we are made to crave, how might it change the way you understand your cravings? Do you believe there could be any benefits to listening to your cravings rather than trying to silence them? If so, what might those benefits be? If not, why not?
I definitely think there's benefit for me to listen. It a) makes me aware of them and b) gives me an opportunity to gain strength from making alternative choices or to learn from times when I don't. For me, attempting to silence anything only results in it blowing up in my life. For me, cravings are me meeting physical desires outside of God, and I need to acknowledge when this is happening and use it as a time to turn to Him and strengthen that connection.
What about you? I am interested in other's reactions/responses to the reflection questions.
So yeah... there you have it, my journal on the introduction and chapter one. I really like this book and think that it's going to be really good for me. In general today has been good. Last night with friends/family was great, much needed girl time and then a night of laughing at one of my sisters, which is always healing! :P Today has been a lot of alone time, with some conversation with my good buddy Adam mixed in, who always gives it to me straight and challenges me to think about the rationality of my thoughts, but allows me to be me as well. I at times allow negative thoughts/emotions to consume me and take over when I spend a lot of time alone and for the most part that wasn't the case today. I have for the most part remained strong, positive and hopeful about my future. I worked out hard, and feel good about my nutrition. I am excited about starting some new ventures in the future that I know will only bring positive outcomes in my life. Today is good.
Things I did well today, 11/30/12:
1. Worked out
2. Did not overeat
3. Kept to 1 soda
4. Stayed focused and structured my time to avoid negative down time.
5. Took a much needed nap (I rock at napping...sleeping not so much, napping... got that shit on lock down yo) ;)
6. Smiled, laughed and stayed positive.
7. Found My Strange Addiction on Netflix! :P Damn I love that show! Did you know people eat toilet paper and laundry detergent? I guess I'm not so bad! ;)
Goodnight loves! <3
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