What a vicious cycle those of us who struggle with food face. It's similar to anyone with any addiction I would suppose, but I think with food there's a different aspect to it because I can't just say I don't allow food in my house now, or I no longer associate with those who chose to eat. I have to learn to not cope with it and consume it in a healthy manner. But when you're in the early stages of deciding to take control and then attempting to procure said control, it can be a cycle of many "This is my last day to eat what I want, I better live it up, another donut please!" I had prior to 2-3 weeks ago been in a perpetual circle of this followed by a couple days of healthy eating, followed by throwing in the towel when it was just too hard. I am a very black and white person (which I am trying to work on and doing quite well I'd say) but what results from this in regards to my eating is that if I made one bad decision, then I decide that all good decisions are pointless from here on out. Ridiculous, I know. So I go throughout the day, making more excuses, rationalizations, and promises for better tomorrows. This feels like such a lonesome battle as who talks about their struggles with food and gosh if I admit that I am out on control, how weak am I? How can I talk to anyone about this, and if I did, then they might try to hold me accountable! And what if at times that's great, but what if there's other times (oh and there will be with me) that I am just not in the mood for your accountability. Food struggles for me are less about the scale or what clothing size I am... honestly because I am almost sort of at a point where I am ok with where I am right now... I don't HATE the way I look. I am not in love with it and feel confident beyond measure, but I've been in way worse places. This is more about a battle that rages in my heart about treating me well...taking care of my health and doing what I know is going to make my body feel right and well.
I have mentioned before in my journaling this book, that it is entirely possible that I rely on food more then I rely on God. I crave food more then I crave God. It my comfort, my reward, it brings joyful moments with friends and loved ones, it's there for me in times of stress, when I am lonely, when I am sad, and even when I am happy and in celebration. I feel ridiculous admitting that, but it's true. I obviously get that God is way bigger then food and I value and love Him WAY more then food, but when you actually look at what do I turn to daily more often, food or God... all day long it's food. And when you evaluate all the things that God desires of our hearts, do you really think that he gives a damn about my struggles with food? To me, the answer is YES! He cares about anything that we care about and put more effort into on a daily basis more then we invest in Him! God doesn't want us to want anything more then Him, or for us to invest more time on then we do building our faith.
A great example of this was the Israelites. They never reached the promise land and wandered for FORTY YEARS. I don't know about you, but I don't want to wander about in this world, the desert, unable to enter an abundant life of "milk and honey," because I willfully put God "to the test," over food. You can insert lots of things in replace of food here. I think there's lots of things that people engage in that in moderation ARE GOOD, and God wants for us, but if they are taking over our lives, and it's all we focus on and spend way more time on that then God, we're in a dangerous place.
From now on...when I crave something that I know isn't beneficial for me, I'm going to try to turn to prayer. Not in some corny "God help my craving go away," sort of way, although I am sure He will, can and is happy to, but in a building more time with Him way.
Personal Reflections:
1. Skipped...answer was too basic and non thought provoking.
2. There are many reasons we have for wanting to eat differently - losing weight, fitting into a favorite pair of jeans, looking good for an important event. What reasons motivate your desire to eat healthier? Do these reasons give your struggles with food a purpose strong enough to help you resist unhealthy eating? How do you respond to Lysa's statement, "I had to see the purpose of my struggle as something more then wearing smaller sizes and getting compliments from others...It had to be about something more then just me"?
For me I know that vanity is not enough for me, I have some pictures of myself at my goal weight that I absolutely just LOVE! I remember the feelings that I had when I was there and how I felt about myself then. I felt ON TOP OF THE WORLD. I felt in control and happy. However, no matter how good I think I looked, it just doesn't seem to be enough to sustain me. I am too in the moment and junk food is so good for the in the moment satisfaction. I am still yet to find what does sustain me. I have a pair of jeans that make me feel AMAZING and I want to wear so bad, that I know I am about 25 lbs away from, but has that been enough for me? Nope! Just keep spinning my wheels, working out and gaining and losing the same ridiculous 15 lbs over the last year... over and over and over. As I come to the bottom of those 15 lbs right now... I am desperately seeking that answer. WHAT WILL BE ENOUGH TO KEEP ME GOING? I think that all the work I am currently doing with my emotional well being is going to take me through, but only time will tell.
3. Already talked about that question above...recall times in which you turn to food...Ummm, is 24/7 an option?
4. How do you respond to the idea of using your cravings as a prompt to pray? How has prayer helped or failed to help in your previous food battles.
It sounds silly to pray for, but I'll do it. Cause I know God cares about the condition of my heart and this is something that burns within. I have never used it before, so we'll see.
This is one of those pictures:
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