For Every Set Back, God Has an Even Bigger Come Back



That was my take away from my recent trip to Stanten Island, NY to do Hurricane Sandy relief work.  Not only was this obvious in the lives of the people of Stanten Island, it was confirmed in my own life as well as the lives of the others that I was on the trip with.  I have a bit of writer's block when it comes to writing about my trip...seems like there's just way too much and it's way too deep to be confined to words on a screen.  I don't know where to start really.  I keep thinking that I want to write about it, but when I think about it, it doesn't write itself in my head like most of my writing does.  So I am just going to stick to some highlights that stick out in my head and go from there. 

First was God preparing my heart for the trip.  Seriously, nothing short of a miracle.  More then I want to go into here, but let's just say that God is 100% good and knows what's best for us.  He knew my heart and knew what was needed and where it needed to be in order for me to be in alignment with Him and despite my best efforts to run my own show, He won out, and always will.  He rescued me from myself in the most gentle, loving way.  With no condemnation for having to drag me, kicking my feet.  Someday, I'll learn to just walk in trust.  Until then He seems to be ok with giving me a plethora of "Duh!" moments to remind me that He is fully in control. 

Next was the sermon Get Up and Go by Pastor Steven Martino, which I have already written about.  It's a 55 min sermon, but I'd HIGHLY encourage everyone to listen to it.  It's well worth it!  Pastor Martino is real, honest and a gifted speaker! 

Forgive me because as I write this I am realizing how all over the place this is going to be, because I have little organization in my head about the countless amazing things about my trip that I want to talk about...I feel like I could just say "Wow!" over and over and that about sums it up.  ;)  However, the next thing that sticks out to me was how anxious and almost sad I was to leave.  I am insanely independent and incredibly in need of being around people I feel safe with at the same time.  I have a hard time leaving to go anywhere really, and leaving my loved ones behind.  I quickly warm up to people and like meeting new people, but my first reaction is fear.  As I sat on my mom's front entry way Friday morning, waiting for Shari to pick me up, a woman I had met twice, I had a pit in my stomach.  I think I even told my mom that I just wanted to stay home and not do anything for a week (cue lingering feelings of depression obviously).  However, from the second I got in Shari's car, I felt at ease.  She was sweet and had genuine interest in my life.  She asked me questions all the way to the airport.  My feelings of anxiety about being with 9 strangers for a week QUICKLY changed to feeling like I had the most amazing 9 new family members I could have ever asked for.  Each one, playing a different role of positivity, encouragement, acceptance and love in my life.  I felt like I could be real, I could be 100% me.  The same feeling I have when I am with my friends whom I've been friends with since I was little.  Amazing. 

Another incident that stuck out to me was meeting Pastor Joseph.  I didn't know if we could be friends from second one as our first meeting he showed up decked to the nines in Yankees wear...hat, shirt, you name it, this man was clearly mislead.  ;)  However, after he opened his mouth and that thick NY accent came out, I couldn't help but love him.  The way he looked into your eyes when he spoke to you and called me sister, and conveyed love, is a rare find.  Maybe even he could be delivered from the dark Yankee side.  On work day one, I knew that I was going to be moving, putting up and holding sheet rock most of the day, so I had grabbed a pair of gloves from the office, and put them in my work belt.  I was sitting there, waiting for to ok to get going for the day when Pastor Joseph walked into the tiny little office.  He walked past a number of people as if he had already planned that it was I that he was walking towards, intentionally.  Pastor Joseph and I had not shared one iota of personal information about each other at this point.  Pastor Joseph walked up to me and handed me a package of gloves.  I took them, rather confused because I wasn't really sure why he thought I needed another pair of gloves or an entire package for that matter.  But, I took them as to not seem rude.  Back story, that everyone is aware of, is that my step-mom has stage 4 ovarian cancer that has metastasized all over her body.  Right before I left she was having a lot of side effects of the chemo, and her tumor markers were rapidly rising.  I knew that going on the trip was right, and that's where I needed to be, but there was a part of me that felt guilty/sad for leaving when she was struggling so much.  Again, I knew I was supposed to go, but there was a part of me that wanted to be in two places at one time.  Anyways...back to the unneeded gloves.  So, I take Pastor Joseph's gloves to the job site and throw them on the dryer of the house we were at and get to work.  Well, a couple hours later, as Brooke normally does, I misplaced my original gloves, and thought "Oh yeah, I have those ones Joseph gave me."  So I ripped into those and immediately had a "Hot damn, you are funny God!" moment!!  My step-mom's theme while she's had cancer this whole time has been "HOPE."  We have hope t-shirts and hope signs and hope wine and hope...you name it.  Well...as I open the gloves, there's a bracelet inside the package, that says "Work for Hope."  Ha!  Talk about God confirming that I was right where I was supposed to be, sharing Lynn's story on the east coast and making new friends to join us in prayer.  :)  The next morning I told Pastor Joseph about the gloves, and we were pretty much BFF's from there on out.  When we left and were saying our goodbyes, Joseph said that he would never forget us, and then pointed to me, and said "But I'll especially never forget that one!"  That man was a shining example of a man of God the entire time we were there, and not your fakey, I'm a good Christian man, look at me kinda guy, a hammer swinging for Jesus kinda man.  A man that stops his vehicle to help people on the side of the street, and a man who will tell it how it is and ain't afraid to call you out on your BS if it ain't in alignment with God.  My kinda man!  :) 

I can't talk about NY without mentioning the homeowners.  We worked on three homes, which were owned by Paul and his wife, Stella, and Mike and Nancy.  I worked on Stella's house the entire time.  Stella's house was initially a challenge for the group as Stella's daughter lived with her and let's just say she was a little less then appreciative for the free work that was being done for her.  Every day that we left the job, the same question was presented, "Are you done yet?" which gets to be a little trying on your heart when you've worked a hard day and gave everything you had.  Naturally a thank you is fairly welcome at that point.  I think the entire team struggled with this at first, and there was some feelings of wanting to say "Peace out!"  However, we really had a great discussion about it and I think that it was a really good opportunity for us all to be reminded that we work as if we're working for God, because we are, not for the recognition of man.  The next morning I was in charge of doing devotions and the Jesus Calling devotional for that day was so fitting (duh).  It said "Don't let the impact of the world shatter your thinking or draw you away from focusing on me.  The ultimate challenge is to keep fixing your eyes on me, no matter what is going on around you.  When I am central in your thinking, you are able to view circumstances from my perspective."  This is something that I am very passionate about (obviously with my career choices in life), loving those that aren't super lovable.  I think it's important to not pass judgment and love and care for those that can't, for whatever reason, bring anything to the table, but themselves, broken.  It is in those opportunities that we can as the body of Christ just love them, as Christ would have, and that in my opinion is when hearts are won over the most.  One of my most beloved men in this life who is now no longer with us, Mr. Peter Erickson, always said "Preach the word of Christ, and only use words if necessary."  Most of the time, people don't care what we know, until they know that we care.  As Christians we've given ourselves a bad rap and have some making up to do with our behaviors before anyone cares what we have to say. 

I have a whole bunch more I'd love to write about, but for now, I'll leave it at that.  God is good, and He's continually confirming for me that He has an awesome plan for me.  He is swinging some super exciting doors of opportunity open for me right now and for once, I'm not going to walk through dragging my feet, but with excitement for what He has in store! :) 

 



“Stand up, Pick up Your Mat, and Walk!”



As anyone who has followed my blog, or caught up on it recently knows, I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a while now.  Call the presses, that's a huge shocker, I'm sure Anderson Cooper will be blown away with that nugget of information.  Pretty sure that anyone who's spent any amount of time with me over the course of the last 2.5 years, or known me prior to 2.5 years ago would tell ya "Duh!"  I have my ideas of how and why this started and blah, blah, blah, but it's really irrelevant to me.  All I really care/cared about was getting better.  Yeah, I have and will continue to address those issues in counseling, and have come a LONG way, over the course of the last year.  However... I have been trying to do it on my own, meaning without God.  Not because I didn't want Him, thought that He couldn't help me, or that He had given up on me, more just because I was in such a dark place that I couldn't get there.  I felt guilty going to church because it had been so long since I had been, and there was a false voice in my head telling me that I didn't belong, that, that...was no longer my family anymore.  I had fallen too far.  I now realize that I was presenting my plan for my life to God and asking Him to bless it.  As well intentioned as my plan was, with a very pure, loving heart, I was still telling God "Here God, this is what I want, can you make this happen?"  Funny story... He doesn't work that way.  Thankfully!! 

When things were really crashing down around me in my life, as wacko Christian as this may sound, God gave me a vision.  I was in a dark room, and there was a hallway outside the room that I was in, with the light on.  I felt like God was continually telling me, "I have so many blessings for you, if you'd just come out here!  I can't come inside there, that's not part of my plan, so I can't bless your works in there, but if you come out here, and look what I have for you, I think you'll find that I have everything that you want in there, PLUS MORE that you've yet to even imagine!"  But...I'm stubborn...really stubborn, so I continued to say "I can probably scrape together this life that I want on my own, I know that God will never really leave me."  No, He didn't leave me, but he is 100% good and can't coexist with things that He knows aren't healthy for me.  Again, Thank God!  As cliche as it sounds, thank God for unanswered prayers. 

I've been pushing the idea around in my head for months, to go talk to my doctor about medications again (see failed previous attempt:  Other Side of the Table... Doesn't Feel so Hot! ) a year ago.  About 4 weeks ago now, I broke.  I was frustrated with myself that I felt like I had lost ground on my life.  I look at who I was 2.5 years ago and I feel like I am not only not a better person then I was then, I feel like I am weaker, have less faith, and have reverted to old habits.  2.5 years ago I was strong in my faith, I was positive, I was a damn marathon runner, my health, fitness and physical activity were my favorite things to do!  I didn't have to put every ounce of effort I had just to work out 2-3x a week, I LOVED it and I felt awesome about my body and who I was as a woman.  It was easy for me to eat healthy and I hadn't turned to junk food to fulfill some emotional need in ages!  I was so angry with myself!  WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET HERE?!?  Why did I let other people dictate who I was and how I viewed myself?  Being angry with myself wasn't healthy, however, it was my rock bottom, and it was what I needed to say "That's it!  I AM DONE SPINNING MY WHEELS!!!  I need help and I need God, for real.  Not just superficially!"  So, unashamedly, 12 days ago, I walked into my doctor's office and had a real, in depth, honest conversation with my AMAZING new doctor about where I was.  She was nothing short of an angel.  She listened to me, heard my worries, gave me a voice and asked ME what I wanted and what I thought was best for me.  HA!  Lady...I've drove my life into the ground, I ain't got a clue!  :P  Despite being SCARED TO DEATH, I started on Lexapro for "Depression."  She doesn't think that I fit the diagnostic criteria for depression, and think it's just more of a case of "You're just dealing with too much shitty stuff," but I really don't care what you call it...depression, not depression...if she thought Lexapro would help, then I was ready to trust her.  I had already prayed about it and knew that I was going to just be honest and trust her and do whatever she thought was best, so despite being afraid, I was just going to "do it afraid."  :) 

I shouldn't be surprised then, when just 4 days later, I am insanely blessed by a sermon that I felt was written for me!  As you know, I recently got back from a trip to Stanten Island, NY to do Hurricane Sandy relief work (which will be an up and coming blog all in itself), but day two there, I had the incredible opportunity to listen to Pastor Steve Martino give a sermon based on John: 

Jesus Heals a Lame Man

5 Afterward Jesus returned to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish holy days. ² Inside the city, near the Sheep Gate, was the pool of Bethesda,^[a] with five covered porches. ³ Crowds of sick people—blind, lame, or paralyzed—lay on the porches.^{[b] 5} One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years. ⁶ When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?”

⁷ “I can’t, sir,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. Someone else always gets there ahead of me.”
⁸ Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!”
⁹ Instantly, the man was healed! He rolled up his sleeping mat and began walking! But this miracle happened on the Sabbath, ¹⁰ so the Jewish leaders objected. They said to the man who was cured, “You can’t work on the Sabbath! The law doesn’t allow you to carry that sleeping mat!”
¹¹ But he replied, “The man who healed me told me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’”
¹² “Who said such a thing as that?” they demanded.
¹³ The man didn’t know, for Jesus had disappeared into the crowd. ¹⁴ But afterward Jesus found him in the Temple and told him, “Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse may happen to you.” ¹⁵ Then the man went and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who had healed him.

Pastor Steve gave one of the most poignant, tell it like it is sermons I have heard in a long time (probably 'cause that's how New Yorkers are, and boy do I LOVE it).  ;)  He said, there is a difference between being still, and doing nothing, and that a goal without a plan is just a wish.  I was doing nothing, and wishing my life was different.  Sure I was attempting to work out, and I was attempting to eat healthy, and I was attempting to half ass my faith, but compared to what God's plan is for my life, that, was nothing!  He has SO MUCH more in store for me then a half assed life.  Another part of the sermon that he touched on was how God's heart ACHES when He is separated from His children, and we can't let OUR purpose, separate us from where God is.  I needed to hear that.  God's heart ACHES when He's separated from me.  Why did I believe that I wasn't dearly missed in His home?  His heart was ACHING for my return.  Ohhhh heeeeeey spiritual truth...talk about being hit upside the head with the Jesus 2x4.  God already came to where I was when He saved me.  It was time for this girl to make a choice to go where He was! 

One of my favorite parts of Pastor Steve's message was his definition of grace and mercy.  Grace is unmerited favor.  It's us, getting His blessings, that honestly, we don't deserve.  Mercy, is us not getting the punishment of what we justly deserve.  It was time that I quit letting past failures cripple me from His mercy and grace.  This is where John tied in.  I realized that I needed to stop waiting for someone else to put me in the pool.  We cannot associate God moving with us getting the blessings that we have asked for.  Maybe it's US that is not moving.  Jesus says "GET UP!  WALK!"  I loved that he said that there's no sin that we can commit that Jesus says "Well...actually I died for all your sins, but not THAT one!"  He's not waiting for our repentance, he's waiting for us to pick up our mats, walk and turn from our sinful behaviors.  OUCH.  Ok, heard ya loud and clear God!  :) 

So what?  Where does all that leave me today?  With confidence, anticipation, desire, expectancy, faith, optimism, reliance, security, and trust.  I have had roughly 2 weeks of clarity and peace that I haven't had in years.  I feel zero desire to control my life, but a complete trust in whatever He has in store for me.  I feel stronger every single day as cliche as that sounds, and I for the first time in ages don't feel in a hurry to meet MY goals.  He is transforming my mind to love who I am today, and to enjoy the transformation that I know that He will be doing in me.  I feel EXCITED to start training for my next half marathon, and feel at peace that food is not forever going to be a ball and chain for me.  I feel like I am fixated on Him, and everything else will fall into place, whatever that may look like.  I've felt like He's told me over and over, "Don't worry, you're gonna like what you see!"  :)  He's throwing LOADS of confirmation my way through open doors of opportunities I would have NEVER imagined and words of encouragement flowing endlessly.  My struggle is far from over, and I know there are still hard days ahead, but I open to where ever He leads me.  :)  I am a happy girl and excited to be home.

"Out of our greatest failures comes our greatest obedience."

- Pastor Steve Martino