My Safety Net is Small

After a conversation with my best friend, Miss Jennifer last night, I was thinking.  As we talked, I determined that as much as I seem like a massive extrovert, I may be an introvert, and I have a rather small capacity for how many I allow inside to see all the beautiful craziness that knits me together.  I say beautiful because I have come to truly believe there's nothing wrong with me...I am me based on the circumstances I have gone through and they have left imprints on my soul.  I know this doesn't seem like the truth as I am very intimate in my writing and let quite a few view inside, however that's different.  I have control over just how much you get, and I don't have to sit across from you, broken and vulnerable.  I don't have to see the disappointment I imagine I have left on your face.  As I did just that last night, my thoughts sort of spiraled all over and continued into today... to the thought of my safety net.  Who is inside the net of people that when needed, I can turn to and say "I am not good...I need you," and I know that they will be there for me, supporting me, allowing me to be me without judgement. 

When I woke yesterday I knew that sadness was going to flow throughout the day and I was ready to do battle.  Time to break out a tool in my proactive coping skills box.  I know that I will need to be in the presence of someone safe tonight.  Call #1...mother.  Strike, she's closing, aka works until bar close.  #2...Jen.  She's the busiest person I know at work ever, so I didn't hear from her.  #3...Adam.  He's old and his exciting Friday entailed thrilling plans of sleep.  #4...Sara.  She's spending the night with the hubster.  #5...Forest.  She had plans.  WTF, my 16 y.o. sister is able to find friends to hang out with sooner then me?  I suck!  #6...Tammy.  She would have been sooner, but I didn't want to taint her beautiful little family with my sad.  At this point it was 8pm and I was in tears in the Target parking lot.  Swan dive into the pitty pool.  As hard as I tried to prevent it, I took the leap.  If you didn't get a call at this point, don't be offended...there were others on my list that were going to be next...Kelli, Stacy, ect., but I was succumbing to my sad too fast at this point.  The negative thoughts were whirling around me and I was only able to take captive 1-2 out of the 5-10 that were coming at me at any given time.  Just as I started to think "It's 8pm Friday, you're alone, can't find someone to sit with you and you're crying at Target...way to go loser," my phone vibrates.  It's Jen, and just as best friends do, she came running with a life raft, encouraging me to come over, ignoring my protests of interrupting her plans and luring me with wine.  Just after I agree to stop by, Tammy also comes in as backup with sweet words, an invitation and encouragement as always.  Jen says "Matt will probably make you laugh," and just that he did.  I don't know how Jen keeps a straight face ever in a relationship with that man... the shit that comes out of his mouth, you'd think his thoughts are continually on some kind of psychedelic.  As a side note, THANK YOU Matt, Jen and Nola for entertaining me and being there for me last night!  It meant the world to me and was EXACTLY what I needed. 

Back to the thought at hand... as an introvert, it's REALLY hard for me to say "I am sad, I need you."  If I have got to that point with you, handle me with kid gloves, I'm likely insanely fragile at this point.  It takes A LOT for me to reach out, my pride is overflowing and I don't like to admit to myself, let alone another that I'm not as strong as I profess to be.  I don't need a lot, just someone to sit with me and remind me that all is good, to remind me why you love me and that you always will.  Jen of course did just that and so much more.  She gets me.  But this net of people that I feel safe falling into is small, and because of that, if someone who was once inside decides to leave, or worse yet, betrays the safety I've given as a gift, IT HURTS LIKE HELL.  Because my net is shallow... the tears feel bigger, my insides wretch in pain and the breath in my chest doesn't come easy.

I guess I don't have some ground breaking realization to share based on all these thoughts... it was just something that seemed liked an important realization that I had this afternoon, and needed to write it out to make it more clear in my mind.