This Guy Though...

It's been quite a while since I have felt any inspiration to write. You'd think over the 9 months of my pregnancy Id feel inclined to write about/to my baby...however that wasn't/isn't the case...mother of the year here. However, while laying in bed at 4am after a feeding, it hit me. That feeling I am familiar with started, and a entry started writing itself in my head non stop and I knew I wasn't getting to sleep until it was in writing. So here I am...

This guy who lays sleeping very deeply next to me this early morning is incredible. No you guys, like seriously. Way more than you even kinda know, and way more than he or I let on.  Through my pregnancy, he was good. Supportive, kind, patient...wow is he patient, and loving. So, yes I only expected the same out of him after giving birth. I shouldn't have however, because that'd be selling him short.  

Since giving birth, this guy has taken his normally fantastic self, and somehow found it within himself to bring it to the next level.  It started in the delivery room. Wow...what a man. This guy was at my side at all times. Through a 36 hour labor, with minimal sleep, this guy was with me during the day, helping encourage me through contractions, and then softly rubbed my face and played with my hair at night to ease my sky rocketing anxiety and allow me to sleep.  He allowed me to call the shots of my birth, while supporting decisions we made together. He stepped up when nursing staff was lacking, took care of monitors, became a pro at reprogramming all the fancy machines, and took charge during my unusually quick, understaffed delivery when asked to "Take a leg!"  He told me how great I was doing, how beautiful I was, and how although he's the one who fights bad guys for a living, I am by far the stronger of us two. 

As if being the rock star of birthing/delivery wasn't enough, this guy has been just stupid ridiculously awesome since we've been home.  For our daughter, I have somewhat unconventional values/desires to do things not always seen as the norm or what he calls "crunchy hippie parenting."  Despite giving me a hard time, he's been 300% on board, not only implementing cloth diapers, exclusive breast feeding, baby wearing, ect., he's advocated for me and our choices.  He has zero shame in my desire to feed our daughter naturally and continually tells me how beautiful we are.  

I have had a particularly awful recovery period from birth and this guy has been my personal home health nurse.  He keeps track of my medications schedule and brings me my alternating medications/vitamins on time, with a fresh glass of water and ice like clock work. He keeps track of how much water I am drinking and reminds me to stay on track. He makes sure I am using the restroom regularly to avoid complications (you lose your ability to tell when your bladder is full initially after birth) and demands I go relax in the tub every night!  He makes sure I am not carrying too much, or pushing my body too far and requires me to put my feet up and rest. 

As if the above mentioned things weren't enough, this guy is an A+ dad, with very little previous knowledge or experience.  I'm not gonna lie, he blatantly loves Addy so very very much, I'm a little jealous.  Although it's only been 8 days, he is  consistently eager to do absolutely everything to care for her. He has changed 99.9% of her diapers (ok, I've done 2), he gets her ready every morning, and lovingly puts her PJ's on at night. He has given her her only bath, complete with her baby essential oils and baby massage.  He is a pro at all the baby things and mom knows how nothing works. If you need to know something about the car seat, stroller, pack and play, and even my breast pump, ask him. I have no clue as he does it all.  He gets A ready to leave the house every day, packing her, a diaper bag, moms meds and even breakfast for us on the go.  When we're out he carriers her, calms her screams, and hands her to mom to show off.  He takes care of her daily doctor appointments, the medical supply people and insurance issues.  He reminds me when it's time to feed, gets her ready, keeps her awake during the feeding, and then burps her afterwards.  He takes her away from mom when her screams get to be too much and calms her little heart. His favorite thing though is his "Addy hugs," and pointing out all her "toots!"  

9 months ago he started down this journey of being daddy of the century when he took 5 weeks off to spend with his girls after his little lady was born, and he hasn't lost momentum for a day yet. I absolutely cannot imagine embarking on this journey of becoming first time parents without him, or with anyone else.  For being the one with tons of baby experience, he's the one teaching me!  I'm at times...ok usually a strong, challenging personality, and he not only tolerates me, but finds me endearing, beautiful and valued and tells me so continuously.  I couldn't me more grateful for this man of integrity, faith and courage that God has given me, and am honored to become parents with him as he's truly doing it right. 

PS - forgive my typos and grammar, I have a fussy baby to feed with no time for editing. 

He Was Walking Her Home

It's been on my heart to write about my dad and Lynn's marriage for MONTHS now, even before Lynn passed away, but because of how hard I knew it'd be, I've procrastinated it.  I knew it'd be hard a) because the hole that is there in all the many ways Lynn supported and loved me is still SUPER empty and hurts like a son of a gun every time I think about what Lynn's reaction to certain situations would have been.  It's like this loneliness that I know a simple text to Lynn when I am feeling that way would have gave me new perspective and a feeling like someone had my back, hard core.  But I think the even harder reason for me to write this is that it brings me to this sadness in my heart for my dad that I literally cannot even imagine.  When I really sit and think about the things that he has to deal with, his own grief, raising 3 kids on his own, keeping his business going and trying to figure out how to manage a life that was managed for him perfectly for 20+ years.  I literally cannot wrap my mind around that, mainly because I can barely breathe with the amount of emotions he must have to deal with every day, yet he still gets up, faces the day and does it with a positive attitude, praising God the entire time!  I feel like I have a super strong faith, but part of me thinks that I'd still be in bed, crying telling God to eff off.  Just being honest.  So I figured the anniversary of my parents 21st wedding anniversary was probably the day I should stop trying to run from facing the emotions and go for it.

Although I admire my dad for his strength, this isn't about what my dad has done since Lynn passed away.  It's about what he did before that, for 20+ years!  For as long as I can remember, my dad has seen Lynn as his angel, long before she ever was.  If you had the privilege of really knowing Lynn, you knew that she had a fierce spirit.  She had very little fear of sharing how she felt.  She would go toe to toe with absolutely anyone to defend how she felt or someone she loved.  Just as passionately as she fought, she loved.  A relationship with someone like this is incredibly challenging, but even more so relentlessly rewarding (I should know...I have been told what a relationship with me is like...thanks for that trait Lynn).  ;)  My dad has always taken his place in that marriage with joy and with pride, loving ALL aspects of Lynn, even on the really tough days with an attitude of privilege that he got to spend another day with the woman God blessed him with, because for every difficult day, there was 1,000 really amazing days.  

Dad and Lynn's marriage wasn't perfect, which was what made it completely perfect.  If Lynn was here today, she'd be the first to tell you that her cancer diagnosis did something for their marriage, for our family, that likely would have never occurred otherwise.  Everyone, with only a power that our Heavenly Father can provide formed a cohesive, unbreakable bond that was already there, but was just solidified with Christ at the very center.  Seemingly overnight, I watched my dad love that woman in a way he always had, but with more ferocity than I have ever seen except for how I know God loves us.  Because of my dad's love, I watched Lynn find strength to again fight with conviction, this time against cancer!  She knew with every inch of her heart that my dad loved her, unconditionally, and he was going to be there for her, for our family without doubt against absolutely everything.  I believe that it was through my dad's example of love to her that she was also able to confidently know that Christ loved her even more so, eliminating nearly all her fear of cancer!  

Today, if you asked my dad what Ephesians 5:25 was, I doubt he'd be able to tell you, but he lived it more perfectly and consistently than anyone I've ever known..."For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her."  My dad truly did, and he never viewed it as giving up anything, but gaining it all.  My family is into "themes."  Lynn's through her cancer battle was "HOPE" as everyone knows, and we all subsequently adopted it.  However, I've noticed that my dad has had his own theme during this time and even more so since Lynn went "home."  My dad references his 20+ years with Lynn as "walking her home."  Which if you've heard the song above by Mark Schultz is the most beautiful, unselfish way to look at our time here on Earth with our loved ones I can think of!  So many people view death as God taking our loved ones away from us!  However, what Iv'e learned from my dad that it's not that way at all.  Lynn has always been His, and He gave her to us, to my dad for 20 years, and during those 20 years he gave his absolute everything to her, but knew the whole time, he was simply "walking her home."  When it was time to give her back, he wasn't bitter, and he wasn't angry, he was thankful for the walk that he got.  "He walked her through the best days of her life.  Twenty years together and he never left her side!"  I've changed the lyrics just a tad to really portray the perfection of how this played out in our lives..."Their living room, at forty five, and the family said it could be her last night, should we tell him now, or should he wait until the morning to find out?  But when they checked his room that night, he was laying by her side.  Oh he was walking her home, and holding her hand.  Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end.  And just for a while they were young again, and she was still more beautiful to him than anything!  He was walking her home, he was walking her home.  Looking back, he sees it all!"  

LOVE YOU DAD!!!!  You've been an awesome example of a Godly husband to us kids and you're making Lynn proud every single day!!

I Have Choices To Make

I am studying the book of Daniel right now, and it's pretty much rocking my world.  It takes place in 605 BC, and on the surface seems like little would be relevant today, however after digging into it further, I'm finding that it couldn't be more relevant for me today.  Basically, the king of Babylon goes to Jerusalem and takes over.  The Israelites are basically captured and brought to Babylon.  Specifically Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, and renamed Belteshazzar, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  Even if you've barely read the Bible, you know those last three names.  The king orders them to basically forget everything they knew, and learn new ways of speaking, and the ways of Babylon, and placed in an environment that's the equivalency of Vegas times ten.  Food, wine, women, it's an enticing place.  However, Daniel resolves to be different and not to defile himself and his beliefs in order to conform to his environment.

So what?  What does that have to do with us today?  Basically for me what I am learning is that even today, God is calling us to have integrity in an enticing world, and to resist conformity like lives depend on it, because they do!  I know that I will sound like the wacko Christian when I say this, which I am ok with, but I do believe that the enemy is real, and he would love to return us to places that God has called us to leave, and that this will continually be a battle in our lives.  Think about it...Christian or not, any life change you have tried to make for yourself, there's always that pull to return to where you tried to get out of, whether is an addiction, or the decision to just lead a healthier lifestyle by eating better and working out.  I don't think that anyone would disagree that there is a constant pull to return you to where you desire not to be, and unless we make a resolve to do something different, we're at risk for conforming to the world around us, because it seems easier.  As a Christian this is a bigger concept to me and I believe that as Christian's the minute we start toying around with false worship that we will be in the biggest captivity of our lives.  Actually, I don't believe it, I know it to be true from my own experience.  And I can promise you it's not something that "other" people deal with, I believe even strong Christians are at risk for this, maybe even more so.  

I sometimes get really frustrated with what I call the "Jesus Loves Me!" Christians because I hear Jesus, grace, Jesus, grace, blah, blah, blah.  Yeah, Jesus is grace, and he does love us, but I promise you with everything that I am that God is also just and sovereign in our captivity and He basically continually tells us "If you don't back off from <insert whatever we toy with that we know that we shouldn't>, I am not kidding, you WILL be burned!"  Yeah He forgives us, but He also can't just watch us choose disobedience and continually withhold the consequences.  He is a just God and absolutely will eventually turn us over to our sin because He WILL be respected.  

So our choice is to either conform to the world around us or resolve to be different.  The world will either influence us, or we will influence the world, and it's really our choice which it will be, however it won't just happen because we say "Oh, I'm a Christian."  It happens by serious resolve, because I know that the captivity that we face if we don't won't come with a sign that says "I'm super bad for you and if you just give into the temptation that looks really nice right now, I promise your life will be in shambles in months."  No, it will come in the form of something that looks really good, feels even better and even as Christians who know better, will seem like something we can handle.  If given the chance, we will sacrifice our identity and integrity without resolve.  The world is trying to rename us (like they did to the Israelites) and redefine us!  

In further study throughout the last two weeks, some other thoughts that stuck out to me were these:

• The world we live in, our Babylon, aims to seduce.  It's a beautiful life, the image of what everyone wants.  We are indoctrinated to believe in so many things, that it's hard pressed to tell exactly what we believe in, if anything at all.  
• I want to be an individual that lives in this extravagant, excessive culture, without being poisoned by it.  
• God is faithful to keep His word, even if it is a warning, He has to, or else He couldn't be respected.  Therefore when He warns us of the world around us, and we conform anyways, He will not hesitate to turn us over to our consequences and allow us to be taken captive, for our own good.  
• Captivity will always look friendly, and nothing is more dangerous.  
• We open the doors to our own enemies by playing with fire we've been warned about.  
• It is our own rebellion that leaves us open and defenseless.  We get so separated and used to decaying morals that we drop our guard and give up our treasures.  
• The more we play with the enticing world, the more we open the door to destruction, the world will come in to destroy us and we'll be the ones left with regret.  
• A accurate appraisal of where we're allowing conformity in our lives won't be fun.  It will demand that you be straightforward with yourself, it will hurt and it will require candid answers.  
• Nothing that we do as Christians, Bible study, going to church, worship, ect., matters if we're not applying it to our lives.  
• "Bone deep resolve doesn't develop by going to church every Sunday, or going to Bible study every Tuesday night.  They are opportunities to encourage us in our resolve, but they aren't enough to create and sustain it." (Beth Moore)  That comes from within.  Our Godliness never just happens.
• Integrity is daily becoming the same person no matter where we are, when we have integrity, everything that we are on the inside is obvious on the outside, and life becomes so much simpler, when there are not "so many costume changes."
• The enemy isn't going to waste temptation where you already carry the armor of God, he's not going to waste a fiery dart by aiming at what's covered, he will only shoot at what you've left open to temptation by a lack of resolve.  
• "We will resolve on purpose, or we will not do it at all."