I Will Protect My Space

I've been a bit quiet lately because I have been in thought and sorta just mulling over things a bit.  I have been struggling with how to be assertive and stand up for myself and not come off as a bitch at the same time.  Because in the past, I've always done bitchy well.  And some may still see my words and actions as bitchy, but if I know in my heart that I acted and spoke on my behalf, with intention and chose my words carefully, then that's all that matters to me.

I need to address an issue with my readers, and am putting a one time statement out there.  This is my space to write my thoughts, struggles, desire to be a better person, feelings, ect.  I have allowed you to read this because I have chose a small number of people that I trust, to share my writing with.  I share my writing with those I trust because some (a lot) are within my close personal group of friends/family that I do life with and you give me feedback and encouragement and we grow together.  I share it with a few others of you that have requested to be readers because I know some struggle with similar issues, and have told me time and time again that my writing helps you.  Which, if you can respect me and my writing, I have no problem with sharing my intimate thoughts/feelings with you. 

However, what I do have a problem with is judgement or criticism of what I share in my area.  Constructive feedback is completely different then judgement, I am ALWAYS open to kind, encouraging, or thought provoking alternative points of view then my own and have had a few conversations with people who have offered their points of views to my circumstances that differed from my own and I was very open to that.  What I am talking about is talking negatively about me or what I have written to other people, judging my "right" to my feelings, or authenticity of my writing/circumstances.  If there is something written here that you don't like, and it's worth it to you to have a respectful conversation about it with me, then I am very open to that.  If it's not worth it to you, simply don't read it.  I write for no one other then myself.

People cope with life in all different ways.  I judge no one else for how they choose to cope or deal with life and if I've given you permission to have insight into my vulnerable spots, I would ask the same from you as readers.  This is not a threat, but a simple statement of fact, I have recently deleted people from my readers list because I felt that they could not respect me or my allowance of them into my circle of trust, and will continue to do so if I feel like my trust is being betrayed.  Please let me know if you cannot accept this and I will delete you from my readers list with no hard feelings at all. 

Heavy Heart

Not sure why I always feel driven to come here to think...however tonight I find a smile in watching families skate around Centennial Lakes. Lots of kids shooting pucks to each other, skating hand in hand with their parents and adults wobbling around, reminding me a little too much of my own attempts at skating.

After a couple mins here I know exactly why I ended up here after getting off work with no destination in mind for the 3 hours until I work again. Skating has ALWAYS been representative of joy, love and a feeling of being lightweight to me. As all know I hate winter, but skating is my one exception. I love watching people skate. So clearly, I had a duh moment when my car just kinda ended up here and saw people skating (when I didn't even know that's what people do here). I have a God of such intention. I dunno why I'm ever surprised.

*sigh* I could feel it starting last night...heavy feelings and a lonely heart, but I worked through it and was dang proud of my ability to be ok with where I was. No anxiety, no frustration with myself, no feelings of self pity, just felt it as how it was and reminded myself that this too shall pass. And it did, without a sleepless night or anything. Win in my book!

However today has been a little more rough. All good, cause I trust and know that with my days of struggle come days of peace. So I'm doing what I know I need to take care of myself, successfully fighting ridiculous self deprecation and sitting peacefully in my accepted feelings.

I smile watching the skaters pick teams for a pick up hockey game, and listen to the songs on the radio as if they were picked specifically for my current emotions in mind, I am happy with my ability to not allow one hard day to completely derail six pretty good ones. Yeah...today I struggle, but I haven't lost hope. This storm will run out of rain. It's already starting to seem more like a spring shower versus the hurricane it once was.