So before you start reading, I hope you have watched that video. Only because I think in order to understand where I am going, you have to know where I've been. That video, those words speak to my soul so deeply about how I feel, that EVERY time it comes on, the tears just stream down my face like a fire hydrant. Not because I feel sorry for myself or I grieve for where I've been, but out of extreme amazement in where He's brought me over the last 6 months and the almost still disbelief in what HE can do with a broken girl like me! If He can do it in me, someone who fights him tooth and nail against my better judgment, every dang day...He can do great works in anyone!!
I've been pretty candid in my struggle over the last couple years. Depression, anxiety, self doubt, self hatred at times, self sabotage, is there a theme here...? So, I think most people who read my blog or are in my life in any capacity really, pretty much know the battle I have fought over the last couple years, with, well myself, cause this girl...she's her own biggest issue! The two years that I feel like I spent in darkness, I never actually gave up my faith, because I always knew He was real, and He was there, but I just didn't feel like He was in MY life. That was until towards the end of those two years, he gave me a vision (really, I am sane, I promise, but He did and there's no less crazier way to say that). Basically in desperation one day I cried out to Him, "GOD!!! Why?!? When does the sadness end?" and what I saw and heard was this: "Baby girl, you're standing in a dark room, and you're choosing that darkness. And that's ok, I'm not mad at you for that, but that world and I cannot coexist." At this point I could see myself standing in this dark room, and there was a hallway outside, and the lights were on, and it was very bright in the hallway. He said "When you're ready, I'm out here. You're welcome to come be with me when YOU are ready, out here, in the light." Cue light bulb moment for Brooke. Not life changing mind you, because I am thee most stubborn person in the whole world, and I don't even do what's good for me when I know what's good for me, and I've been told by God what to do! Oh no, I just keep presenting to Him what I want, what my flesh wants and I just keep begging Him to bless that plan. Thankfully He didn't. But I've been everywhere this song talks about! I've been the one! I've been the one to shake with fear, to wonder if He was even there, to doubt His love, and to believe He wasn't enough. I was the one. I was the one to say that I'd overcome my own shame, to fall apart and question who He was. I was the one. I was the one held down by chains of my own shame, and to believe where I was, He couldn't reach.
That was, until with trembling knees, I took a step towards Him. Brooke's way wasn't working for me and I had spent years and years as a strong Christian, so I knew the way, it was just getting back to that, that was almost unbearably scary. I thought He'd be mad at me, I thought my peers would judge me, and I didn't think I was worthy of that life anymore. Boy was I wrong. He wasn't mad at me, He missed me! Through amazing friends who have stood by me when I was almost unbearable, a church family that continually welcomes me with open arms, a God ordained ministry (HEART) to get me outside myself, a family that beats the best cheer squad around, and my surrender to Him, I can say that today I am happier, and in a better place than I have ever been in my life. I wouldn't wish what I went through on another soul, but I wouldn't trade where I am today for it either.
It turns out that God didn't not want for me what I wanted...He wanted way better. I was just too dang stubborn to realize that. I was just way too busy focusing on what I thought would make me feel better now, that I couldn't see the glorious plan He had waiting for me. I was living in bondage to my strongholds. Fear, pride, insecurity, guilt, shame, control, anger, perfectionism, idolatry, you name it. I was judging my whole life, on a brief season of failure. What I learned was that if we don't seek freedom from our strongholds, we'll shelter them, and boy was I sheltering them. They weren't working for me, but they were mine, and they were comfortable. I was scared. Until I realized that nothing I was holding on to was worth what I was giving up. I finally let go and I begged God "Get in my business and set me free!" Thank God he was willing to dethrone me from myself! Unfortunately because I am stubborn, like I have mentioned in a previous post, He had to do a lot of dethroning. He had to take a lot of things out of my life because I couldn't on my own put them in their rightful place. Thank God He did. God simply wanted me to ask for His help the whole time, yet time and time again I would look to the aid of other things to fill what could only be filled by Him. More pride I am sure. I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, and I wasn't sure God was going to show up for me anymore. God had no choice but to be more drastic as he knew my own behavior would have destroyed me.
Part of me was always in disbelief. "How did I get here?" I would ask myself. Over and over. I think that sometimes satan attacks the weak and wandering because he can, but sometimes I think that he attacks the fully surrendered for the possibility of the domino effect it could have. Don't hear me wrong, I don't believe I was made to choose a path that wasn't of God, I just think that satan created quite the scenic route to entice me. In the end, Brooke made the choices (did you know that our hearts can want what's desperately wrong for us - Jeremiah 17:9). As I took that first step, I immediately knew, with Pastor Shea on my left and my dear friend Becky on my right that all He wanted all along was for me to cry out to Him! Faith is not the absence of being scared, as my favorite person ever, Beth Moore says "faith is choosing to believe God even when your heart is melting with fear. Our faith is tested by what we do with fear, not whether or not we have it." I realized He wasn't going to change me while I was sleeping. I had to get engaged. And with that, God said "Daughter, your faith has healed you!" This time around I needed to start seeking acceptance in Him, not in the approval of others. I started to realize that sometimes, God allows wounding in our lives to heal us.
Through the Breaking Free, Beth Moore study that without a doubt God placed in my life at just the right time, He's been taking out everything that hinders me from experiencing His plan for me. Anxiety has always been my biggest issue. Even before two years ago, I was always highly anxious, however, I am happier, more peaceful and less anxious living a life that glorifies Him. It's like He was asking me "Why do you waste your time working so hard on things that are never enough, can never fill you up, and are endlessly insufficient?" Huh...good question God! It wasn't until I stopped trying to figure out all the why's, that unexpected peace washed over me. Now, I am learning that trusting my feelings is silly. Feelings are not facts. I may not feel like giving my circumstances over to Him, but when I do it because He has told me to, He always rewards me with solutions even this oh so knowledgeable girl never thought of. ;) Ponder this, God is incapable of making mistakes in our lives. Can I say the same for myself? Huh, nope. Does this mean that when you give your circumstances to God, that everything's all good and life aint hard? Nadda, I wish! It's still hard. However, like He says in Matthew 14:25-32, "Don't worry! I am right here! I know the winds are raging and the waves are deep, but I am God over both!" Had someone told me even 6 months ago that I'd learn to enjoy life even when it wasn't particularly enjoyable, I'd think you were banana crackers (thank you Patsy for that awesome word).
Like I had previously mentioned pride was my killer. But get this, this blew my mind, pride at times can sometimes not look like pride, it disguises it self real well. I had thought that I was too far gone. Too evil, too sinful, too you name it. I believed that my problem was bigger than my God. Pride covered my heart, it blinded me from looking back, it didn't allow Him to tell me what to do, it didn't think there was a problem, and I definitely wasn't about to admit I was weak. Take if from a girl who had to be humbled, you might want to humble yourself before He's forced to do so. I also mentioned idolatry. Most people think idolatry!? That's a thing today? Most definitely. Setting our sights on finding 100% fulfillment on anything other than Him will always end in a "something's missing" feeling. My idol? People, and their acceptance of me and making them happy. I realized I was putting people and my relationships in places where only God belonged. How silly to exalt a person, how my deluded heart mislead me. With all that, what would I do? Anything but pray. Why would you pray? I had to DO something to fix it. What bondage the enemy had over me when he convinced me that I was even beyond prayer! Beth Moore says it best, "Our human nature is much too self-destructive to automatically choose what is best for us in our weakest moments." That was surely true in my life.
At this point in my life, my only goal is to get across that finish line, a sinful woman, set free! I want to be obedient to him because as I've come to find out, anytime you play with temptation or what you know isn't good for you, it will always always always cost you more than you were willing to pay! I don't plan to stop until His freedom is my sweet victory! There's times during this journey that I've taken steps backwards, particularly when I got scared and wanted to revert to what was comfortable. I realized that as long as a small piece of me still loved, I was going to go back. He had to bring me to a place where I hated the stronghold in my life so much that I said "Come get it!" Just like Miss Beth says, I had a messed up want to! I was wrongly associating benefit with something that brought me harm. I gave those wrong things everything I could, until I was destroyed. Thank God my confession allowed me to start talking to God. Despite what I was telling myself, He forgave me and has since been working with me day by day change my responses.
One of the biggest things I had to and still work on is forgiveness. I had so much anger in me. I thought if I let this go, then that means everything is ok God? That's actually not how it works. God sees every bit of our injustices. He does, and what I didn't realize was that He can far better represent me in justice and uphold my cause than I can! Mind blown! I had to get to the point in my life where I felt sorrier for those that had hurt me, and who they were, than I felt for myself. I had to once again turn to God and stop trusting my feelings. Turns out my heart is no one's responsibility but mine and Christ's. "But God!" I would say, "They knew that would hurt me, and their premeditation revealed that they decided that was ok, that it was worth it. Am I that worthless?" Nope, not at all it turns out, turns out that if God was willing to allow something that difficult, He plans to use it in mighty ways! Turns out it was now my choice. Was I going to let Christ bind up my hurt, or was I just going to go around hemorrhaging at the heart? Sometimes God has got to get bold with me cause I am just that stubborn and dense. He said "I died a criminals death, so you could get well!" Ohhhhh, yeah...I suppose it's about time He got what He paid for in this girl, huh?
I recently saw a picture of myself during my time in darkness, and I felt like my outward appearance echoed the darkness in my soul. As cheesy as it sounds, there are times now where I feel like I have a brightness in my soul that shines through my face! :) Girls!!! YOU ARE LOVED!! Lately I have gone from this self proclaimed girl hater, to a girl who just loves girl world! I feel like I have this new love for hurting women. Last week in Beth Moore she said something profound that has actually been something I have used this week to combat old negative self tapes. Did you know, that it says in Isaiah 61:10 that He has clothed YOU in garments of salvation, and a robe of righteousness, and He adores you like His bride? That's how Christ sees you. However, here's the mind blowing piece, that is also how the enemy sees you!! That's how the ultimate enemy sees you and that's how your enemies see you! Their job is to deceive us to believe that we are much less than we are because we'll then act like we're who we think we are. So my dear sister, know that no matter what has happened, what you have done, or where you have been, YOU are LOVED LOVED LOVED, and worth so much more!!! God says about you "Isn't she gorgeous?"
I don't think that God called me out of darkness because I am a great woman of character. I suspect He called me because I am just as sinful as the next. Who better to speak hope into the people than one who has sinned and turned to God? Today, I am more in love with Jesus than when I started. It's not easy, actually, it will feel hard, and then it will feel harder, it's only then if you keep going and trust in Him, that it starts to get easier, and right on the other side of that, there's freedom! Just wait to see what it's like when God brings you through what you thought would kill you! It says in Deuteronomy 21:17 that you will be compensated a double portion for what they enemy took from you.
God's changes are never easy or convenient, and you'll never feel brave until you're halfway through or on the other side completely, take it from a girl who's barely halfway through. My assurance didn't come from having the right circumstances. It came from knowing my reality of who I am in Christ. As Lisa Bevere said "God's dream for you is the enemies nightmare."
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