The sermon on Sunday was about the Lord's Prayer, talking about how it is a pattern for prayer. Which I have heard before, and seen laid out, so that was nothing new. However, there were some key points to the sermon that stood out to me, and an ending that hit home and sat in my stomach about as comfortably as rotten milk, and it's been churning in my stomach ever since. The sermon was laid out in the fashion that the Lord's Prayer is a pattern for prayer in the sense that we need to:
1. Recognize God for who He is. That our God is both "large and in charge," and intimately interested in our lives at the same time. That He is our father, both challenging and comforting, and that we need to surrender and go from MY will be done, to THY will be done, and until we are there, there's really no point in going on in our Christian walk, because it's not about MY kingdom and MY will. Those are actually pretty strong words, but like I talked about last time, it's truth. Which leads into number two...
2. Surrender your will. As I have found out the hard way in my life (you know the way that I do EVERYTHING in life), that presenting our plan to God isn't how He works, and really just causes a lot of pain. So...really, what's the point, unless you're at that point, since it's not about convincing God of our will, but more about conforming to His. I think most people think that they'd prefer a God that's at their beck and call, but like Pastor Ryan talked about, would you really want a God that small? I don't want a God that can only think within the confines of my small mind, that's for dang sure!
3. Trust Him with provision, pardon and protection. Meaning that we will trust that He will give us exactly what we need for each day, and we need to give thanks for that, even if we don't think it's enough. Note previous mention of it not being about OUR will. ;) We need to go forward, trusting that we have been forgiven with confidence, and that He will protect us from temptation.
All good stuff. However, nothing Earth shattering I thought at the time...until I just couldn't get something out of my head later in the week that Pastor Ryan said... "Getting forgiveness and giving forgiveness are inseparable." Huh... God sorta takes that giving forgiveness stuff seriously apparently. And yeah, I agree... yup it's important, and I am pretty good at giving superficial forgiveness out like candy, but I am starting to think that He wants more then that from me. Not for the other people that I need to forgive, because I know that it's not for them that He wants it for, but rather for me...for my peace, my healing and my joy, because unforgiveness, unfortunately pulses through our veins like poison to our soul and only hurts us!
That kind of deep forgiveness, of letting go of deep pain that has been caused by a few people in my life is REALLY hard for me. Especially when there's times that you're still hurt/mad, and ESPECIALLY when those that I need to forgive...are not sorry, and if allowed back in my life, would continue the same behavior. I'M SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE THAT?! I guess so. Shoot, this is going to take some work, and beyond what I'm capable of within my own power. However, after some prayer this morning and kinda thinking about things for a while, it seemed more clear, that it would be easier, if I remembered what forgiveness actually isn't.
Forgiveness is not forgetting, or pretending that it didn't happen. It did happen, and I need to retain that it did, to grow from the lesson that it taught me. However, I need to somehow do that, without holding onto the pain. Forgiveness is also not excusing behavior. We excuse people who are not to blame. We forgive because a wrong was committed. Forgiveness is also not giving permission to continue to hurt me, nor is it condoning the behavior in the past or for the future. Last, forgiveness isn't reconciliation. We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving, or whether we need to maintain our distance.
I think that once I put forgiveness into a more realistic box like that, then it's easier for me to say "Ok, yup God I am ok with this forgiveness thing...again it's more then I am capable of truly doing on a deep level to let go of the hurt/anger surrounding the issue, but if you want to free me from that, then I am ready to let go of it." For me personally, reconciliation is not an option at this point in my life because that's not healthy for me, but forgiveness, I'm definitely ready for. I don't like carrying around hate, anger, resentment, hurt and sadness all the time. I am ready for freedom, joy, peace and a rich life, full of love! I'm also ready to forgive myself for allowing that in my life.
I really like both of these songs about exactly that:
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