Forgive me if this post is all over, it's sorta been writing itself in my head, different paragraphs here and there for over a week, and I haven't written any of it down, so it's all likely going to come up like a jumbled mess of word salad. Such is life. Anyways...
The other day at the Joyful Noise music festival that I went to, the singer of 10th Ave North said something that struck me as along the exact same lines as said blog that has been whirling around in my head and recent conversations, er, stubborn arguments with God as of late. Mike (the lead singer) said "Don't make good things the ultimate thing...because, you will lose sight of the fact that if you lose those things, you will still be ok." This stung pretty deep because I have been sorting through the last 2.5 years of my life recently and trying to find purpose in this beautiful mess I have found myself in, and have been feeling (even before this concert) like I had fallen trap to putting stuff and things and people before my relationship with God. I was starting to look back on my life over the last 2.5 years and started to wonder if He was just going to slowly take everything that I had placed all this importance on, away from me, until I put Him in the right priority in my life. As a side note, for any non-Christians out there reading my blog, please don't think "What a shittastic God she believes in to do something like that!" In the end... it's what I needed, and I truly believe will put me in a mind set that will make me happier then I ever would have been, had I got to keep everything that was so damn important to me.
But everything...everything that I thought that I "needed" to be happy, is gone. First it was my "dream career" as a police officer. Hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, but the best, worst thing that I've done. I know with all my heart that department was not right for me, and I would not have been happy there. Because of the tornado that went whipping through my life after leaving there, I have yet to return to law enforcement (my head and heart aren't there yet). That's for another post, that again has already started writing itself as well, but I am at peace with where I am at right now in my career. Then, it was my marriage, and then my house, and then relationships, and then another move, and more relationships, oh another move, then my faith, then my goals, then my friendships, then my drive, the death of my grandma, then my sanity oh and another relationship. Until I felt like I was standing naked and alone, wondering "HOW THE FLYING FUCK DID I GET HERE?"
That was until I realized that at this point I had no where to go but up, and the ability to turn to some angels standing around me, who have never left my side, despite me pushing them away day in and day out, who were just patiently waiting for me to come to my senses and were happy to help me take steps in the right direction only when I was ready. *Yup, there's the tears starting now.* It took circumstances to fall into places where it was clear that I had absolutely no control anymore, for me to let go and and do somethings I swore I'd never do, but I knew were for my best interest. It's funny how sometimes the things that we want most in life, are the very things that we need to let go of in order to be truly happy. Things that we thought that if we lost, we'd never be happy again. Oh the hurt.
But, as my favorite 10th Ave North song goes...this is where the healing begins...all those walls I built up, were just glass on the outside. I was ready to stop trying to save myself because I was worse off then I thought, and it was time to remember the fact that I was so deeply loved that someone died for me. It's been 27 days since I started on anti-depressants, another one of those hardest decisions of my life I've had to swallow my pride over, but I regret not an ounce of it. 6+ months since I decided that He was in complete control of my life and I was done trying to run the show. The results? Again, oh the hurt, but oh the growth, and instances of pure joy that I haven't experienced in a long time. Feelings of peace and hope, new friends, opportunities I would have never dreamed of and a rebuilding of a life that looks like it could turn out better then the one I was busy building myself.
As I mentioned a blog or two back, I'm finding peace in forgiveness. I always knew that hurting people, hurt people, but more so now learning that forgiven people, forgive people. The realization that grace/mercy is not forgiveness when the other other person is ready to be sorry or apologize has been setting me free of anger and bitterness, but I still have a long way to go on that one. I remind myself daily that looking down on someone else has no place in the kingdom of grace and feel like God's been asking me to give up my right to hold a grudge.
Mike from 10th Ave North also talked about how Good Friday was actually the worst Friday due to the obvious Jesus being killed and all that jazz, but that Easter was soon to come. He said "Are you in the middle of your worst Friday? Hold on, because the Easter sun is about to rise in your life!" That's where I feel like I am at in my life right now. The worst Friday may have happened, but I can see the Easter sun rising, and it's the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen. It's funny how He takes our mess and weaves it into something more beautiful then we could have ever imagined.
I'm thankful for God's unanswered prayers and contradicting my pleads to give me what I wanted. If you believe in a God that doesn't contradict you, you might want to re-evaluate things...my guess is you believe in yourself more then you believe in God. I only know, cause I've been there. 1 John 3:18 talks about how all this Christianity stuff must not just be talk though. It also must be in our actions. If all we do is talk about God's love and not demonstrate God's love, then we've completely missed the boat. If there's no response from the blessings that He is continually pouring into our lives, then you didn't understand His word. And it's not out of duty that I feel those things need to be done, but out of my heart's desire to want to love others. If we're doing this Christian walk thing correctly, it's like we should be walking around asking God "Lord, please just give me someone to love!" I've always had this huge heart for the hurting in crisis, and because I've been more open to where He wants to use me and my life is more in line with Him, He's using me in the most awesome ways that I couldn't be more excited about.
Again, I'm not saying these things because I am a know it all, and have all the answers. I'm saying it from the heart of just one lost beggar, telling another beggar where to find food. I needed a miracle, and He showed up.
No comments:
Post a Comment