I Lost Myself There for a Moment

Was sitting inside the house at work… thinking, pretty unorganized thoughts, just letting my mind wander and I felt this tug, like something telling me “Go outside and sit. It’s beautiful.  You need it.  Enjoy the simplicity…it’s you and you’ve lost it.”  I looked outside, and somehow in this rather unimpressive Bloomington neighborhood, I just had this overwhelming sense that there was beauty all around me and I was missing it.  So...I grabbed my ½ a potato, diet chili, and my computer and went and sat on the front porch.  I had the urge to write (something that hasn't come over me in months).  No particular thoughts as like I said, my thoughts are everywhere, but I just felt like God wanted me to write, so here I am.  As I sat, I could feel the warmth of the sun on my face, the rays shining through the trees, and the birds chirping in the distance.  I can see cars driving on 90^th street and imagine they’re people laughing with their loved ones and feeling joy for the long holiday weekend.  I feel peace today.  Not overwhelming peace, or an absence of sadness,but I feel hope.  I feel like God is showing me that although life has not exactly played out like I thought it would, that it might not be bad, that there’s simple beauty and joy in sadness and growth in our struggles.

I feel like this past week that some of my rigid thinking has been broken.  That because I’m stubborn, God had to break me before I could experience grace, a realistic world view and forgiveness and understanding for myself.  My old world view wasn’t working for me anymore.  It was one of perfection and never being enough.  It was one of striving and not letting up, never being content on where I was.  Never allowing freedom because then what are you striving for?  It led me down dark places, ending in shame, distance from God and hiding because I wasn’t what I thought I should be.   Darkness had a good grip on me there, it was a cycle that fed into each other…”You’re not good enough, you’re a failure, so why try?”  I lost myself there for a moment.  There was fear of not knowing how to get back to my unrealistic expectations for myself, so I stayed stuck, not moving at all seemed like the safest option.  

Last night I had the most amazing conversation with my BFF and mi madre.  I shared my failures, my hurts, my fear and my unknowns with them. It felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. I’m scared of being hurt and hurting others.  These two women helped me start to let go of some of my unrealistic expectations, start the process of continual, daily acceptance of grace for myself and to take steps forward, even if I don’t know what the next step may bring.  I think that I have to think every possibility out in my head, analyze the outcomes and then choose the “right” option…there isn’t always a “right” choice and I just have to decide to move and enjoy the process.  I think that I thought that if I thought everything through well enough no one would ever hurt.  That’s ridiculous, I get that.  God never said that it would be free from hurt, or easy…only said that we wouldn’t go alone.  I’ve felt at times lately abandoned by God, not because He is bad but because I am not worth His time.  I was never abandoned by God, He was simply waiting for me to come to Him and He had an arsenal of incredible people who love me to catch me when I fell.  But I had to take the steps, He nor they were going to chase me, they respected me too much for that and it had to be on my terms. 

I’ve been in a dark place in my mind, but I’m ready to start walking.  Even if I’m scared, even if I don’t have for sures.  With the surrounding of the people that love me, I am going to be ok.  No matter what.  There’s a plan for this life, a beautiful purpose, even if it’s simple.  One day at a time…it’s pretty cliché, but it feels right, today.  Today I feel hope, it’s funny how letting go of control, makes you feel more in control. I felt like I was grasping for sand before…everything I wanted just slipping through my fingers.  Now, of course my goals are being placed in my lap as the timing is right, the more I let go.  Seems so simple, why do we have to make it so hard? 

Thank you God for loving me, even when you knew I’d make mistakes.  Thank you for sending me people that speak truth into my life as they know I will hear it and show me unconditional love.  I am blessed through my tears. 

Random side note…I had thought “I should turn some music on,”as I was sitting here.  I turned on some Milo Greene, which under any other circumstance would bring serenity to my heart, but I immediately felt anxious.  I felt God telling me “No, I just want your undivided attention,” and turned it off.  Incredible how He’s right freaking there if I’m just open to Him, and stop running my own show.