The Gift:
"The greatest gift you can ever give someone is the gift of your own time." How very true! Time and listening. More valuable to me then any gift that can be bought, to me is undivided attention. In my deepest relationships, I frequently crave that feeling...the feeling you get when you sit with someone you love, looking at each other, not distracted by phones, TV's, other people, ect...just talking and sharing your lives. When people give you that gift, they are offering you a piece of their life that they can never get back again, but have chosen to give that to you over all other people/things they could have chosen to do with that time. Appreciate it, give them the same respect. Something I need to constantly remind myself of. We are given this opportunity every day, the opportunity to suppress our own thoughts and schedule and to focus our full attention on other people, giving them the rarest kind of gift, genuine attention.
The people in my life that are good at this are those that I admire most. They are people that are all there when we're together, all in, intent on hearing what I have to say. Communicating to me that I am appreciated, valued, accepted, loved and affirmed. But oh how very uncommon these people are. Truly, what you say by not listening says more then any words could say.
Next time you get this opportunity, stop, wait, give attention and listen before speaking. Even when the other person is misinformed or spouting negative...listen. It's more powerful then words. It's one of the ways you can bless others. Resist the urge to criticize, insult, laugh or make sarcastic comments, and just listen.
Recall the last time you genuinely felt heard. Make a list of some one-word adjectives that describe how this encounter made you feel about what you were saying? About yourself?
I can think of a number of people in my life that are good at this. I am blessed with a great deal of people in my life who are great at this and every encounter makes me feel heard and valued. However one that always sticks out to me is a friend that I met in my boot camp classes, Jo. Jo is by far one of the most talkative women I have ever met in my life, however, when she listens, she listens! She can make you feel like you're the only person in a crowded room and is never distracted by the things around her when you're speaking. She remembers the names of the people that are important to you and asks for updates every time I see her. Encounters with Jo make me feel important, liked, worth listening to and valued.
Shhhh:
Wisdom: (1) knowing what to say, and (b) not saying it. None of us need any advice on opinions or talking. Let's face it, we're all great at that. We have our opinions and are ready to share them with anyone within earshot, willing to listen or not. However, Proverbs 10:19 states "Be sensible and keep your mouth shut." Simple. I however haven't always or even mostly lived this way. Anyone who's come into contact with me knows I'm mouthy, bold, opinionated and sarcastic. Not so wise. However, shutting up when we think we know what to say could prevent us from delivering a damaging blow to another and adding strain to a relationship. Really evaluate if what you have to say outweighs the pain that it's delivery could cost. Most of the time your answer after time will be no. I'm not suggesting that we should never speak up for ourselves or that I should become someone I am not, passive, but silence at times can lead to growth of deep relationships, maturity and becoming the kind of people God intended us to be to others. God did not intend for us to be destructive or discouraging, ever.
One who is quick to listen gathers all the information before releasing a reaction, resisting the urge to spout off every little thing that formulates in their head. Choosing rather to give time for things to settle, and properly shape a response before being shared. Ensuring that when one speaks what is said is sensible. The opposite gets you tangled up in a web of pointless gossip and a lot of he said, she said ridiculousness that leads to no resolution, but rather enjoyment for those that enjoy the sport. God says, "The incessant chatter of foolish lips will be destroyed," in Proverbs 10:8. That's of His concern, not ours. He encourages us not to force our importance, but rather with humility and appreciation for others, be content being a participant just like everyone else. Resisting the urge to assume you are always right and you have all the answers...that's not wisdom. Wisdom is contemplating, considering, weighing and waiting. That is wisdom and power.
What would immediately change for the better in your life if you began exercising the spiritual restraint of silence?
I would likely be more of the person my heart desires to be on the outside as I am on the inside.
Underneath it All:
Oooo... I like this section. The author starts by telling a story about a crack on her bedroom wall when she was little. Her dad patched it and repainted it, but 6 months later the crack came back, with six other cracks following. Her dad had a contractor come to look at it and said that he could paint all day long, but the cracks would keep coming back and the problem was a foundational issue and not something that could be fixed with paint. She then relates this to us doing the work within ourselves to be the quick to listen, slow to speak kind of people that God has called us to be. That we can just try to keep our mouths shut and be more cognizant of that all day long, but until we get solid in our foundation of who we are in Christ, we will inevitably return to our cracked selves.
The "cracks" that we make with our mouth are actually symptoms of much deeper, much more intimate issues, things much more difficult to address, it's below the surface, issues of the heart. My mouth is only a barometer that displays how engaged in humility and surrendered to Him I am, or if I am stubbornly refusing to yield to the wisdom of God's word. The author lists some symptoms that sting at times reading, but are brilliantly accurate:
- Symptom: Are you always quick to offer an opinion, inserting your assessments into conversations at every opportunity? Diagnosis: This could reveal a tinge in your heart, which causes you to feel the need to impress and be at the center of attention. ME! Guilty!
- Symptom: Are you constantly critical and demeaning in your spoken sentiments? Diagnosis: These are often code words for insecurity and a lack of certainty in your value, as well as a heart infested with anger.
- Symptom: Do you frequently find yourself fighting with your significant other or being divisive among others? Diagnosis: You're lacking peace and unity a true desire for your relationships to reflect the grace of Christ.
- Symptom: Does gossip continue to come easy for you? Diagnosis: You find other problems entertaining and don't think of them as people needing your support, prayer and companionship.
-Symptom: Do your words often reveal a doubtful, skeptical outlook? Diagnosis: You're low in faith. Not operating from a deep trust in God's ability and His wise handling of the details of your life.
If you're not sure of your foundation, listen to yourself. Your words, tone and topics of conversation don't lie. You have to be the guardian of your heart, ensuring it does not become polluted with the things that will hinder you being conformed to the likeness of Christ. The more you soak in His truth, the more you can expect to be filled with the things needed to control your tempter and have your conversation be filled with wisdom, kindness and humility. "Guard your heart and do not allow it to become hardened (Proverbs 28:14), deceptive (Psalm 12:2), prideful (Proverbs 21:4), or unclean (Psalm 51: 10)." "Any lasting change you make in controlling your speech will have to start at the base, the foundation, down where the cracks are really formed."
My Blessing: I will be a woman who is quick to listen and slow to speak. I will care about the concerns of others and esteem them more highly than myself.
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