Here we are again... my good ole' friend anxiety is back with a vengeance. Back story is that I used to struggle with anxiety really bad. Right after college there were times that I would sit on the edge of my bed and cry and cry and cry and have not a clue why... However, after doing some much needed work on myself emotionally and then making a commitment to take care of myself physically, I was able to kick that crap right in the butt. Until 6-7 months ago... :( It wasn't that bad and I was coping with it pretty well until about a little over a month ago. It's a lot like dementia. :P As soon as it starts to get dark outside every night, it hits like clockwork...I have Sundowners! Some nights are ok and I make it through, smooth sailing. However, there's other nights where I lay in bed and it's tears and can't catch my breath. The logical, rational thought is "what are you so worried about?" But it's not that easy... there's not one issue that I can just sit down with a friend and we can talk it out and all is well. As the title suggests... it could potentially be a neurochemistry thing.. "Research upon people who had been highly apprehensive, vigilant, and fearful finds that their nucleus accumbens is more sensitive than that in other people." So there you have it... I have a busted ass Nucleua Accumbens. Hate it when that happens. :P
So...WTF do I do now? I TRYING to make more time for myself. I KNOW that running, working out, eating right and not burning the candle at both ends would help, but it's easier said then done. I'm trying REALLY hard. I fight and claw and scratch every single day to make the right choices. Some days are great and some days I fall down the hill, head over heels, feet in the air. Lately it's been a lot of falling. Lots of nights of panic attack after panic attack, heck today it was crying at work, crying while getting a pedicure... I'm clearly freaking awesome and coping well. :P
But I'm strong... I am ALWAYS going to get back up and try again. I'm not quitting and I'm NOT looking for sympathy. If I get a bunch of "I'm so sorry... keep your chin up...blah blah blah..." I'll shut down faster then anything. I just need to type it out FOR ME, process through things and if I'm lucky get some good advice on how others have coped in similar situations. Because I don't even kind of think that this is not something that damn near everyone I know deals with. We all struggle with major issues in life. I know that billions of people have it way worse then me. I have NEVER claimed to have a crappy life. I'm just struggling right now and trying new ways to not do so anymore. If it works, great. If not, on to the next tactic. I have an awesome God who I know will see me through. Just could use some grace from those around me right now, to know that I'm struggling (and have been for some time) and ask that you just be gentle. If not, cool too...everyone has their own life to deal with and shouldn't be required to give me any kind of special treatment, I know that.
Speaking of taking care of me...I have to be up at 0600...suppose I should get to bed. Tomorrow's a new day... <3
Quote of the Day: "I don’t just wear my heart on my sleeve, the blood drips down my wrist and off of my fingertips." - Couldn't be more accurate of who I am...I bleed deep when I hurt and I hide it poorly.
I know exactly what you're talking about. When my lung collapsed, I literally thought I was just having an anxiety attack. I know for me I realized that when things slowed down (normally at night when everyone was in bed), shit hit the fan. That was when all those thoughts, pressures, stresses, anxieties, etc. weren't being blocked by activity. For me, writing was a huge relief. I was still super emotional when I wrote but it gave me an outlet. Mentally and emotionally. You've been going through a lot lately. I can see this just from seeing you online. I'm sure it's way more than what I'm even shown over the computer. Give yourself a break. You probably need to get all that out. Give yourself time to cry, scream, cuss, whatever works for you. Above all else, pray. You're right. God is awesome! He will pull you through whatever you're going through. Remember though, he gave us all of our feelings, physically and emotionally to use. If you're feeling anxiety then there is something there that you need to get out so you can better focus on what you need to focus on. Lets face it... We can all let go and let God but we are still human. No matter howw much we let go, we still hold on to something. It's part of our makeup. Everything has a way of building up with all those little things we hold on to. If you ask me, it's a perfect circle. God made us feel, we feel, we let go of some, we hold on to some, we suffer the consequence, we cry out to him, he helps us express it, God made us feel, etc. No matter what chick, you're strong and you have him on your side. If I can be there for you in any way just let me know. I'll be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI won't pretend to understand what you're going through, Brooke. But, I will tell you that I'm a great listener if you ever want to talk. I'm sending prayers to God to give you peace! **HUGS**
ReplyDeleteYou know I've struggled and had my ups and downs with anxiety. The constant thing that has helped the most is regular time in the word and this verse in Philippians, " Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
ReplyDeleteGod's peace is the only filler for me in that time. (Okay and sometimes a Xanax, but the Peace is better ;) ) Sometimes I just say it over and over and over.
Praying for you dear friend.