He Was Walking Her Home

It's been on my heart to write about my dad and Lynn's marriage for MONTHS now, even before Lynn passed away, but because of how hard I knew it'd be, I've procrastinated it.  I knew it'd be hard a) because the hole that is there in all the many ways Lynn supported and loved me is still SUPER empty and hurts like a son of a gun every time I think about what Lynn's reaction to certain situations would have been.  It's like this loneliness that I know a simple text to Lynn when I am feeling that way would have gave me new perspective and a feeling like someone had my back, hard core.  But I think the even harder reason for me to write this is that it brings me to this sadness in my heart for my dad that I literally cannot even imagine.  When I really sit and think about the things that he has to deal with, his own grief, raising 3 kids on his own, keeping his business going and trying to figure out how to manage a life that was managed for him perfectly for 20+ years.  I literally cannot wrap my mind around that, mainly because I can barely breathe with the amount of emotions he must have to deal with every day, yet he still gets up, faces the day and does it with a positive attitude, praising God the entire time!  I feel like I have a super strong faith, but part of me thinks that I'd still be in bed, crying telling God to eff off.  Just being honest.  So I figured the anniversary of my parents 21st wedding anniversary was probably the day I should stop trying to run from facing the emotions and go for it.

Although I admire my dad for his strength, this isn't about what my dad has done since Lynn passed away.  It's about what he did before that, for 20+ years!  For as long as I can remember, my dad has seen Lynn as his angel, long before she ever was.  If you had the privilege of really knowing Lynn, you knew that she had a fierce spirit.  She had very little fear of sharing how she felt.  She would go toe to toe with absolutely anyone to defend how she felt or someone she loved.  Just as passionately as she fought, she loved.  A relationship with someone like this is incredibly challenging, but even more so relentlessly rewarding (I should know...I have been told what a relationship with me is like...thanks for that trait Lynn).  ;)  My dad has always taken his place in that marriage with joy and with pride, loving ALL aspects of Lynn, even on the really tough days with an attitude of privilege that he got to spend another day with the woman God blessed him with, because for every difficult day, there was 1,000 really amazing days.  

Dad and Lynn's marriage wasn't perfect, which was what made it completely perfect.  If Lynn was here today, she'd be the first to tell you that her cancer diagnosis did something for their marriage, for our family, that likely would have never occurred otherwise.  Everyone, with only a power that our Heavenly Father can provide formed a cohesive, unbreakable bond that was already there, but was just solidified with Christ at the very center.  Seemingly overnight, I watched my dad love that woman in a way he always had, but with more ferocity than I have ever seen except for how I know God loves us.  Because of my dad's love, I watched Lynn find strength to again fight with conviction, this time against cancer!  She knew with every inch of her heart that my dad loved her, unconditionally, and he was going to be there for her, for our family without doubt against absolutely everything.  I believe that it was through my dad's example of love to her that she was also able to confidently know that Christ loved her even more so, eliminating nearly all her fear of cancer!  

Today, if you asked my dad what Ephesians 5:25 was, I doubt he'd be able to tell you, but he lived it more perfectly and consistently than anyone I've ever known..."For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her."  My dad truly did, and he never viewed it as giving up anything, but gaining it all.  My family is into "themes."  Lynn's through her cancer battle was "HOPE" as everyone knows, and we all subsequently adopted it.  However, I've noticed that my dad has had his own theme during this time and even more so since Lynn went "home."  My dad references his 20+ years with Lynn as "walking her home."  Which if you've heard the song above by Mark Schultz is the most beautiful, unselfish way to look at our time here on Earth with our loved ones I can think of!  So many people view death as God taking our loved ones away from us!  However, what Iv'e learned from my dad that it's not that way at all.  Lynn has always been His, and He gave her to us, to my dad for 20 years, and during those 20 years he gave his absolute everything to her, but knew the whole time, he was simply "walking her home."  When it was time to give her back, he wasn't bitter, and he wasn't angry, he was thankful for the walk that he got.  "He walked her through the best days of her life.  Twenty years together and he never left her side!"  I've changed the lyrics just a tad to really portray the perfection of how this played out in our lives..."Their living room, at forty five, and the family said it could be her last night, should we tell him now, or should he wait until the morning to find out?  But when they checked his room that night, he was laying by her side.  Oh he was walking her home, and holding her hand.  Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end.  And just for a while they were young again, and she was still more beautiful to him than anything!  He was walking her home, he was walking her home.  Looking back, he sees it all!"  

LOVE YOU DAD!!!!  You've been an awesome example of a Godly husband to us kids and you're making Lynn proud every single day!!